Happily married except...

[QuirkyLurk]

Hi,
First ever post so please be kind.

DH and I have been married for 25 years, two adult DS and a lovely life, except... I have no sex drive at all. We have done the deed five times in the last three years (DH says) we have a great relationship apart from this, but since my hysterectomy this January, I am happy to not do it any more.

It is not an issue with me. Just not in my mind at all which I am completely happy about, tbh.

DH and I went to Paris recently and had a great time. Posh dinners etc, but years ago we would have spent the morning in bed. DH suggested it, but always feels like he is treading on eggshells.

We went out for breakfast instead and had a conversation where he said that everything is good, but we are coming to a different phase of our life now DS are both adults and sex is still very much something he wants to continue. He doesn't want it to be complicated.

He gave an analogy which I think I get... He said that I go running once a week with a running club and asked why I don't go running with him instead and if I didn't go running with him, he didn't think I should run with anyone else?

I said that he was not a good runner, had no interest in running and I'd rather run with like-minded people to paraphrase. I could see where the analogy was going and kind of played along...
He said that as a man, sex is a less emotional and more physical experience and that by the same token, as all else is good with us, he would like to find someone, (paid for) as he doesn't want a relationship, as an equivalent to the running club... Pragmatic, and solves a problem. I don't know if has actually been doing this any way, but I would love to hear if anyone else has found a way through this or has any advice...

Um. I must have missed that part.

Im assuming you used to enjoy and want sex.
I understand how it feels op, to not want to have it, it feels like a chore.
If you want to get back to wanting it, speak to your GP. Tiny amount of testosterone worked wonders for me. There are other things to try too.

He is being honest.
If you like and respect him, why don't you seek help for your no sex drive problem? It is selfish of you to not try hard to enjoy a physical relationship with your husband. There must be aids, potions, locations etc that ensure that you are comfortable and meeting each other's needs for physical intimacy. You are not listening at all. You could experiment.

I could not stay in a marriage where a prostitute was part of the scene, sorry.
I would do everything in my power to keep my close and wonderful relationship healthy.

You don't want sex but want to stay a romantic/emotional life partner with this person who has a valid NEED for the physicality of sex. He has suggested a solution to this, one which in his mind would reassure you he's not looking for the other stuff (emotional intimacy etc) with anyone else. On the face, it's a good solution and could work to continue your happy marriage. Your loving, open communication with each other is a really good sign!
I completely understand many peoples concerns about prostitution however, it's a horribly exploitative industry.
Is there a way to ensure the women involved are not victims. IE, finding a higher class establishment where the women are empowered, well renumerated and self employed and your husband would be safe. Then you both work out clear boundaries and rules together.
I'm not sure how I would feel personally but this is maybe a starting off point as clearly you don't want your marriage to end.
The other option would be for you to try and seek help with your desire to see if there is a fixable reason, but that's up to you to decide.

If he sees sex as an act and not emotional, why seek it with another person, paid or unpaid. He's still engaging with another person and still needs to find the emotion to get it up, excuse my crudeness. He's on the road to an affair as the paid sex will make him feel unloved as he's wanting attachment. Sex with others isn't the same as going for a run, he's clearly spoken to someone regarding this and I don't mean you. Buy him a fleshlight, he'll get to have sex but without cheating and without spending both your money.

We've been married less than you and since hitting menopause sex isn't for me, not interested in it one bit. Husband understands and is happy to please himself with me next to him.

I think that it's time to split up and remain friends.
Your husband is being very diplomatic. You have a right not to want sex. However, you do not have the right to expect open ended fidelity whilst arbitrarily withholding sex in your relationship.
Being the best roommates ever does not constitute a non platonic relationship for lots of couples.
I most certainly could not tolerate sexual rejection for so long, so diplomatically whilst framing my relationship as anywhere on the "good" spectrum, even if every single dynamic outside of the no sex was 10/10.
But I've never been one for the "sunken costs fallacy" trope in relationships.
Best to split now before your husband embarrassed you.
Because jumping from "not having sex in my marriage" to suggesting prostitutes instead of plain old cheating/suggesting FWB suggests a crossing of some Rubicon has occurred already.

Have you thought about sex therapist...or speak to gp...or take some action to keep your marriage
.if its just the sex issue..seems a shame.
But he obviously a big issue for him .. its part of being married I would think..

Where did you get that from

You should tell him to fill his boots. He'll be a happier person. Or just let him have his way with you and make him treat you for it.

I mean, id be fine with it but tend to approach sex more like a man because I'm autistic. I see this as a very practical solution.

Tell him you'll do it if he pays you!!! At least your getting something out of it then. Men are fucking pathetic!!!

I agree with you. I don’t think sex is less emotional for men, maybe for a few but not in general.

Some of the comments I struggle to understand. @QuirkyLurk i don’t think you’re “withholding” sex - you’ve had a major physical change to your body. Your relationship is great in every other aspect. You both made vows. I find his comment about paying for sex disgusting and I would be questioning my husband's character if he said this.

Surely he can sort himself out? You need space to adjust to your body following the hysterectomy. This may not be forever.

I cant understand anyone who thinks sex is make or break for a relationship. It’s not the most important aspect in my opinion.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had sex in the past year - I’ve had a baby, had severe hyperemesis and lots of health issues. Not once has my husband said anything about it, he would much prefer to respect my boundaries and to be honest, he couldn’t get it up if he knew I wasn’t into it so I don’t agree with doing it just to please him either. The fact he’s treated me this way has made me love him even more and our relationship is better than ever. If he’s in the mood and I’m not, we lie together and he can sort himself out, you can still be intimate and sexual but still have boundaries.

Have you sought medical reasons for your lack of sex drive?

Hrt isn't for everyone but nearly and being hrt i finally have the sex mojo of my 20s

I understand why a lot of people are down on the sex worker thing. You envision curb crawling in seedy red light areas picking up drug addicts. This isn't always the case some are extremely savvy business women who charge a lot and pay tax. This lady should feel really happy her hubby could come to her says a lot about how much he loves and respect s her. When I dipped my foot into online dating the amount of men I came across blatantly lying about being wed/attached was insane all to get their leg over with a random🤢🤮.(if you obtain something by deception it's a crime you trick a woman in to bed it's not?) this lady's hubby could have just kept quiet and gone off to do whatever he didn't she has to do what's right for her and her family. Tricky situation though

Sex is not like running. Running is a form of exercise. Sex is just about the most intimate act you can perform with another human.

It might be less emotional sometimes for some people - but this is still an absolutely stupid analogy.

If it's a purely physical need then why can't he masturbate? Clearly, there is more to it than that.

He said that I go running once a week with a running club and asked why I don't go running with him instead and if I didn't go running with him, he didn't think I should run with anyone else?
I said that he was not a good runner, had no interest in running and I'd rather run with like-minded people to paraphrase. I could see where the analogy was going and kind of played along...

I don't really understand the analogy tbh with regard to the follow-up (his?) solution.

So he's saying you should run (have sex) with him rather than with anyone else (from the running/sex club)

Then you said he was no good at running (sex) and you would rather run (have sex) with people who are better at it.

And then he said, oh I'll pay for my own weekly running (sex) club.

TLDR: he said you can't run with anyone else and you said well you're no good at running anyway and I've met people who are better at it.

Or is he saying, you've got your hobby (running), so I'll have mine (sex). Which is obviously (obviously!) not pragmatic OR solving a problem. It's creating a big fat one. His ick-ness.

His approach should be,how can I be a better running partner? Perhaps I should just be the one on the bike, cheering you on, or the pacemaker, or the one who hands out the lucozade? Life is a marathon, not a sprint, sometimes you hit a wall.

I would think that I would prefer to end the marriage or have an open marriage than this.
I would prefer my husband to be able to meet and connect with someone and probably let him go and move on separately.
You can still remain friends, even live together, but I think you have to be honsst that what you are looking for in the relationahip is not really a marriage, more of a feiendship and companion. And he is looking for a sexual partner.
Its not fair to either of you to stay like this.

I don’t agree with pp that yr withholding sex, you just not interested in it any more. Which makes you normal for some females of a certain age….marriage is meant to be for life, in sickness and in health etc etc….I’d be very honest with him and explain if he wants to leave he can leave….it’s a shame he doesn’t love you without being able to have sex with you….

There's nothing wrong with ethical non monogamy. My husband and I have practised this for years. With established boundaries and complete honesty, it can work well.

Paying for the use of a woman's body, however, is disgusting and I would look at him differently for even suggesting it.

You have every right not to want sex. But the solution is either an open relationship or it ends. It's not fair to expect him to go the rest of his life without it.

I can see both sides and lack of sex ends an awful lot of relationships. Have you looked for help ? Not wanting sex at your age ( assuming it’s 40s or 50s is not common and I think you know in a way no relationship is a healthy one without sex .
As fur him cheating , sex or no sex cheating is a no go . He can either walk out and have as much sex as he pleases or stay married and try to solve your issues

I don’t think anyone is picturing that, and it’s still grim.
Paying someone who doesn’t want sex with him to do things to him and have things done to her. It’s hard having sex physically even with someone you like sometimes, I can’t imagine trying to get turned on enough to allow sex with someone paying me. When a man pays he expects more, he can be rougher and more demanding. He will probably look for younger and better looking than his wife. He will get off on fucking someone like that. It’s all so disgusting and not a way to keep a marriage together.
Knowing that he’s okay with buying women and objectifying them.. it goes against any progress women have made. She knows how he thinks now. He thinks women are lesser, how can she stay married to that?

I would be repulsed if he paid for sex. But I'd also be jealous and insecure if he had sex with FWBs as he might develop feelings and leave. I would resent family time and money spent on other women. It just feels doomed short of trying to rekindle the sex life.
Why do you want to stay married? Financial security?

Put the sex worker bit to one side for a minute as it’s clouding the actual issue.

You don’t want sex ever again, he does, neither of you are wrong so the only solutions are to either break up or he has a mistress. That’s it. Tell him you don’t want him to use sex workers as that’s a deal breaker for you and the end of the marriage. If he gets a mistress then you will have to take your chances with that, it might work or he might fall for her. You can tell him you don’t want to hear anything about her, and he may be happy with the set up without leaving the marriage. You of course may well be not happy with the set up and leave the marriage. It may seem unacceptable to most people but a person cannot realistically deprive another person of sex for the rest of their lives.

I also don’t want sex again but I had already split from my ex so made the decision to never have another relationship.

Yes, because I assume you enjoy sex with your dh. The OP says she never wants to do it again. I couldn’t imagine what I’d do if my dh told me that-I think it would the end of y marriage-at least he’s talking to her about it rather than sulking.