Happily married except...

[QuirkyLurk]

Hi,
First ever post so please be kind.

DH and I have been married for 25 years, two adult DS and a lovely life, except... I have no sex drive at all. We have done the deed five times in the last three years (DH says) we have a great relationship apart from this, but since my hysterectomy this January, I am happy to not do it any more.

It is not an issue with me. Just not in my mind at all which I am completely happy about, tbh.

DH and I went to Paris recently and had a great time. Posh dinners etc, but years ago we would have spent the morning in bed. DH suggested it, but always feels like he is treading on eggshells.

We went out for breakfast instead and had a conversation where he said that everything is good, but we are coming to a different phase of our life now DS are both adults and sex is still very much something he wants to continue. He doesn't want it to be complicated.

He gave an analogy which I think I get... He said that I go running once a week with a running club and asked why I don't go running with him instead and if I didn't go running with him, he didn't think I should run with anyone else?

I said that he was not a good runner, had no interest in running and I'd rather run with like-minded people to paraphrase. I could see where the analogy was going and kind of played along...
He said that as a man, sex is a less emotional and more physical experience and that by the same token, as all else is good with us, he would like to find someone, (paid for) as he doesn't want a relationship, as an equivalent to the running club... Pragmatic, and solves a problem. I don't know if has actually been doing this any way, but I would love to hear if anyone else has found a way through this or has any advice...

Dropped and ran. Happens a lot.

If he had asked for an open marriage I’d contemplate it but the answer for me personally would be no.

As he asked to rape a woman, I’d be thankful he let me know his awful views on women and I’d leave asap.

Jeez you have just devalued completely the meaning of rape. Well done.

Always surprises me when people post such a lengthy speech then cba to come back and respond when others have made the effort to help.

Op you've 3 choices split, an open marriage or try to reconnect sexually. If you impose a sexless relationship on someone you have to expect they'll want options. You aren't happily married sorry.

I have no interest in running right now. Basically because my running partner only sprints for 40 seconds then apologises but doesn't care that it's shit because he has got a bit breathless in his sprint. I am left wondering why I bothered putting my trainers on.

This might sound odd but I’ve noticed my sex drive goes up when I have Brazil nuts. I have no idea why. I would be interested to know if that happens to anyone else?

I think the first thing to honestly acknowledge is that, while you may feel you're in a happy marriage, you're not—at least not in the way your husband experiences it. He doesn’t seem to share that perspective, particularly when it comes to intimacy and physical connection.

You're at a crossroads, and there are a few potential paths forward, depending on what you're both open to:

1. Explore alternatives to intercourse
You might consider whether you're comfortable with other forms of intimacy, such as foreplay, mutual touch, or sensual connection without full sex. These can sometimes fulfill both partners' needs without crossing boundaries you're not comfortable with.

2. Consider consensual non-monogamy
If you're no longer interested in physical intimacy but still value the emotional and practical aspects of your marriage, you could explore the idea of opening the relationship. With clear communication, trust, and boundaries, he could seek physical connection elsewhere—something that's relatively easy to arrange these days through dating apps.

3. Reevaluate the relationship
If neither of you can meet the other's core needs—whether emotional or physical—it might be healthiest to part ways. Life is short, and staying in a relationship where fundamental needs go unmet often leads to long-term resentment and regret for both people.

Personally, I would try option 1 or 2 first. If those aren’t viable, the outcome may eventually be separation, especially once resentment builds and he checks out.

I'm going to try this. Will ones with a nice coating of chocolate be ok. Win win

He could easily turn to apps like Tinder—there are plenty of women open to casual encounters.

If he were to consider seeing an escort, it's worth noting that the OP is not currently offering sex, so it seems reasonable that he might seek it elsewhere. And while opinions on it vary, paying for sex is legal in the UK, regardless of the moral views people may hold.

Do you feel you've both from both sides really worked at how you could meet in the middle that was enjoyable for both sides before looking outside of the marriage.

If my husband suggested to buy a woman's body that would absolutely be enough for me to never want to have sex with him again. If we put that aside and say he perhaps had a mad moment. Only you can make more observations on him on that one op. If that's a previous behaviour or not.

If you Met a new partner and was guaranteed the best sex of your life whatever you looks like to you, would you be interested?

Is it the sex that's on offer isn't interesting to you or you feel no interest in any kind of sex what so ever? Is it something you would be willing to explore? Do you feel any resentment towards him in your daily life or previous actions? How is intimacy outside the bedroom.

I would want to explore every possible avenue before opening up the marriage. It can work or it can change things irrevocably so you need to be sure.

I don't agree with the whole as men we are more physical than emotional blah blah.
If it was just a physical "need" he would be happy with masturbating. He is still seeking connection and intimacy with another person to have sex. I highly doubt he would be happy with just wham bam thank you mam sex long term I imagine he would still want that intimacy to evolve and have change and choice. Has he put that energy into your relationship first? It's easy to do it in a new exciting situation but to keep things interesting for a partner of 20 years takes more imagination. It can absolutely be done though.

It's your relationship op but be very clear with eachother about the boundaries and what it really is he is seeking no use dressing it up as one thing when it's not as simple as that.

Happy to hear that you are happy as you are and that he isn't forcing something you don't want.

Imo, maybe opening the marriage to him having non-emotional sex, like a friend with benefits that he just sees for that purpose to fulfil his needs would not be the worst thing. I wouldn't necessarily want him going out paying for sex as that then takes away financially from your partnership and things you could do together. I know some of the replies have called him abhorrent for wanting to pay for it, maybe because he sees it more as a transaction between a lady who wants to give a service (and there are plenty, onlyfans has made us all aware of this) and him having his needs met, than what a friend with benefits would offer.

At the end of the day it is your marriage, if it's not something that you would feel comfortable with, maybe parting ways would be your best bet. It sounds like it would be amicable because you both still love eachother. You are not the problem here because you know you don't want something anymore, that is absolutely fine and he is also not the problem because he still has a sex drive. The problem is that you both aren't on the same page with this one thing. Only you know what you want and I'd go with what your heart says on this. Could you be with him knowing "he is going on runs with othe people?"

I have been in a sexless marriage and it’s really not fair in the other partner if it’s not a mutually agreed thing.

I think before going down this path you could try one or all of the following:-
HRT for you.
Vitamins, exercise, fitness for you.
Lying on the spikey bed mattresses from Amazon - very cheap - they increase blood flow and help lower back but I have noticed that they have made me want sex more!
Sex counselling - it’s really helpful.

I think you owe it to your husband to try and improve your sex drive and counselling especially is very helpful.
Sex is what makes marriage different to room mates and if no sex is not mutually agreed, then it’s up to you to try and fix it together. If it works and you get back into it - then it can only be a good thing for you.

good luck @QuirkyLurk x

Brilliant… am also sorry tho x

I think good on him for being honest. If your marriage is good in other ways, then it is silly to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I also think that a paid sex worker is better than an FWB because it is physical only, you wouldn't want things to get messy emotionally. I think that if you say no, he may either do it anyway or choose to end the relationship. Of course, if you want to end it, that's your call, but I don't think it's fair to unilaterally decide that your marriage be without sex if that isn't what he wants.

NRTFT

I have zero sex drive and would be happy to never have sex again.

Ive posted on here about my childhood and people suggested that is why I have so many hang ups about sex. They are probably right but to address that would get too messy and Im not sure it is worth it or I want to open that box.

As it is, sex has always been important to my husband. He would never force or guilt trip me but I know he feels rejected without it. So I have "maintaince sex". Its not for everyone but I dont begrudge an hour or so to make him happy. He's not stupid and probably knows but I hope he gets what he needs.

The thing at the moment is he is on meds which means he cant orgasm so there is no "natural end" and it goes on for so long. Plus, ironically it makes me feel unattractive and rubbish. I get the hypocrisy.

I don’t think he’s going to give this up. It’s almost coming across as an ultimatum. Is he that inconsiderate of your feelings? Is he saying this to force a proper discussion if the two of you should separate? I can’t see you’ve had any replies from anyone who’s gone along with a set up like this and is saying it’s all fine, go for it. I doubt he honestly believes you’d agree to this. I think he’s pushing for a divorce, tbh. Sorry.

I don't see it that way. You could be right, of course. However, it could be that he genuinely loves his wife and yet feels that a life without any sexual outlet isn't one worth living.
OP, have you considered going to the doctor about why your sex drive is so low? I had a period a couple of years ago when I didn't feel like sex at all: I still had sex with my husband because I value our closeness, but I didn't like the feeling of having such a poor libido. It turned out that my thyroid was underactive. I'm not saying that that is the case for you, of course, but it might just be worth looking in to.

He’s being honest with you and trying to find a solution.

using prostitution is gross but at least he’s wanting to not deceive you.

Try HRT and/or therapy if you want to regain your libido. Otherwise I guess it’s the end of your marriage one way or another.

It’s crazy to me to consider agreeing to your DH having sex with another woman. Sex is part of marriage, it’s very relaxing and keeps you feeling connected. I suggest you talk to your GP (advice post hysterectomy) or look into how to lift your libido yourself. I had a terrible dip for about 4 years (menopause and endless 3 week long periods etc) and it took some effort to get back into sex. I never watch porn but I did read some smutty regency romances at one point!

@Lilactimes vsn u link the spikey bed you bought from Amazon please? Thanks 💐

Zinc and selenium

This, absolutely this.

I'm not overly bothered by sec, but DH defo a fan.
Tiredness is the killer for me but I try to compromise and do sexy things to get things going. It really does help a bit but you have to be in the mindset of wanting to either have sex or pleasing the partner. If we could afford therapy, I'd give it a try.

For balance, I don't like housework either but I do it BC it's necessary and not doing it leads to unpleasantness in many ways.

Everything except the sex worker bit I think is fine. Neither of you are in the wrong and this is a good solution. There are so many hook up sites out there though there is no reason him to pay and encourage prostitution.

If both of you have been faithful for so many years and he sleeps with someone else I think it would make you both unhappy with no turning back.
My opinion has changed since reading this on Friday. My reply then was lighter,