Happily married except...

[QuirkyLurk]

Hi,
First ever post so please be kind.

DH and I have been married for 25 years, two adult DS and a lovely life, except... I have no sex drive at all. We have done the deed five times in the last three years (DH says) we have a great relationship apart from this, but since my hysterectomy this January, I am happy to not do it any more.

It is not an issue with me. Just not in my mind at all which I am completely happy about, tbh.

DH and I went to Paris recently and had a great time. Posh dinners etc, but years ago we would have spent the morning in bed. DH suggested it, but always feels like he is treading on eggshells.

We went out for breakfast instead and had a conversation where he said that everything is good, but we are coming to a different phase of our life now DS are both adults and sex is still very much something he wants to continue. He doesn't want it to be complicated.

He gave an analogy which I think I get... He said that I go running once a week with a running club and asked why I don't go running with him instead and if I didn't go running with him, he didn't think I should run with anyone else?

I said that he was not a good runner, had no interest in running and I'd rather run with like-minded people to paraphrase. I could see where the analogy was going and kind of played along...
He said that as a man, sex is a less emotional and more physical experience and that by the same token, as all else is good with us, he would like to find someone, (paid for) as he doesn't want a relationship, as an equivalent to the running club... Pragmatic, and solves a problem. I don't know if has actually been doing this any way, but I would love to hear if anyone else has found a way through this or has any advice...

I'd rather the few who choose it have to find something else to do than just accept some women (and children!) being trafficked and repeatedly raped.

Even the ones who choose are coerced by money. That's what prostitution is.

What's the least worst option OP -

Divorcing (think this through carefully especially if you have kids)

Having an open marriage where he sleeps with prostitutes and/or other casual hook ups

"thinking of England" a few times a month for a few minutes and hopefully that avoids the other two

Those are your choices, it's not for anyone else to decide, we'd all find at least one that would be repugnant. But agree with PP he is not unreasonable to still want to have sex as part of his life.

There's no point telling the OP you think prostitution is grim. Most people posting on MN think prostitution is grim. It's not news. The point is, her husband is saying he wants to be in a relationship with her but needs to have sex more than once or twice a year. He's asking if she would be open to him having transactional, non-emotional, sex outside of their marriage. She has decided theirs is a marriage without sex. He's telling her he's not ok with that but doesn't want to end the marriage. The ins and outs of what his or anyone else's perceptions about sex work and the people involved is a question for down the line for OP and her husband. The real question here is: could the OP be happy in a marriage where her husband is having sex with other people because she doesn't want to have sex at all. If so, then you can think about under what circumstances this would be acceptable for her. What are the pros and cons for the OP.

Whist I totally support anyone not having sex they don’t want I also believe that if a dp takes sex off the table then they have to anticipate that it will be sought elsewhere.

You have a simple decision to make op. You accept that your dh has sex outside of your marriage or you end the marriage.

OP, would you consider going to see a therapist to work on your relationship?

Your husband has basically said he misses sex and wants a sex life. That’s not unreasonable.

You aren’t unreasonable to not want sex ,although wouldn’t you like to have your sex drive back?

You don't mention discussing the possibility of hormonal treatment with your GP...have you done that? Want to do that? Be willing?

Oh no OP. To be honest you would be better separating rather than letting your “D” H use sex workers. No matter what your feelings on intimacy are, this will wreck you. Please don’t go down this path.

In your shoes I would look at why your sex drive evaporated, or got forgotten or whatever, and address that.

They've whipped out your recreative box and now you have absolutely no hormones to drive you to anything remotely exciting in the bedroom.
I think a good chat with your GP is in order.
Sod him straying. There are things that YOU can do.

If you can understand where he’s coming from and you can live with it without it disrupting the rest of your life and relationship, then it’s a valid solution to a valid problem.

@QuirkyLurk

Unfortunately mentioning sex workers is a red rag to a bull on here. A lot of posters will ignore your question in order to focus on their personal view of men who use sex workers.

However......to answer your OP......think about how you would feel if he said he was going out for a couple of hours "oh nowhere special". Would you be turning over and over in your mind "is he having sex with someone else?"? Or would you be able to live with it.

Seems like you have a good strong marriage and a lot of love, so I cant help thinking that you wouldnt be.

Is there a compromise to be found? Would you consider seeing a sex therapist, not to get your mojo back (lost mine totally after menopause, so I get how you feel), but with the goal of finding a way where he can be sexually fulfilled without going outside the marriage?

Running and sex are not analogous!
But what is analogous to sex?

What about if he has unpaid sex with other people who are therefore not sex workers? Is he now only a "D" H because he's suggesting having transactional sex in order to preserve his marriage with the OP? Or is he now relegated to "D" H irrespective of any hypothetical scenario about who he might have sex with because he simply isn't ready to give up on sex on the basis his partner has unilateraly decided theirs is now a sex-free marriage?

Ultimately they need to work on their relationship and address their issues, ideally with a therapist, to find a solution and see if there is a way forward. Using sex workers or having an affair is categorically not the answer to this. He has spoken up and said there is a problem which is the right thing to do, but he is incredibly naive to think that paying for sex will solve this. If anything it will make it ten times worse.

Sex drives that are not well matched / incompatible is a very real relationship issue and shouldn’t go unspoken about. But it is juvenile to not see the wider emotional impact (on both parties) of paying for sex and thinking that you can use it as a sticking plaster to make it all magically better.

That’s not the same as rape which is forced sex , not an agreement for money.

@MummyJ36 Well your second response was certainly less juvenile than your first.

🙄

I would not want an open relationship because I think whether is sex than that are usually emotions as well. I certainly wouldn't want him to go to a sex worker. I do really understand his point of view. It's horrible to feel rejected sexually and to think that someone else has decided that your sex life has come to an end.Have you seen a doctor about your sex drive? Are you prepared to do anything to increase your sex drive?

I think it’s wonderful that your husband talked to you about it.
My husband didn’t - he just went out and did it. And the woman he did it with knew he had a wife at home, faithfully married and holding down the fort.
Did he pay her? He was cheap - I doubt it.

If you love him do you think that you can be intimate in other ways ? I don't know if that is something you could do , to stop him seeing a prostitute ?

Even the ones who choose are coerced by money.

Every person who has a job is that.

If you choose to sell your body for extra money or to earn a basic living it must be grim. More grim bc it’s so personal and invasive. There are a lot of deeply depressing, vile jobs out there. Some men and women may feel however awful prostitution is, it’s better than them.

What a ridiculous untrue comment !

I agree. Rape is not consensual. Prostitution can be rape but it can also be done voluntarily. How is that rape?

complete agree

I have read other posts and I have to agree that you should play your part here.

I said above that I lost my libido totally as a result of menopause. I am ok with that but I am happily single so it has no effect on my life.

But if you are married and want to remain so then surely it isnt just on him?

At the very least I think that you should be seeing your GP to look into it.

Look at threads where the husband has erectile dysfunction or loss of desire and wont see a doctor. It is widely accepted that this is selfish, that if he wants to stay married and his wife to stay faithful, then he should at least try to get treatment for it.

I am sure he would rather have a sex life with the woman he loves than a stranger that he has to pay.