Happily married except...

[QuirkyLurk]

Hi,
First ever post so please be kind.

DH and I have been married for 25 years, two adult DS and a lovely life, except... I have no sex drive at all. We have done the deed five times in the last three years (DH says) we have a great relationship apart from this, but since my hysterectomy this January, I am happy to not do it any more.

It is not an issue with me. Just not in my mind at all which I am completely happy about, tbh.

DH and I went to Paris recently and had a great time. Posh dinners etc, but years ago we would have spent the morning in bed. DH suggested it, but always feels like he is treading on eggshells.

We went out for breakfast instead and had a conversation where he said that everything is good, but we are coming to a different phase of our life now DS are both adults and sex is still very much something he wants to continue. He doesn't want it to be complicated.

He gave an analogy which I think I get... He said that I go running once a week with a running club and asked why I don't go running with him instead and if I didn't go running with him, he didn't think I should run with anyone else?

I said that he was not a good runner, had no interest in running and I'd rather run with like-minded people to paraphrase. I could see where the analogy was going and kind of played along...
He said that as a man, sex is a less emotional and more physical experience and that by the same token, as all else is good with us, he would like to find someone, (paid for) as he doesn't want a relationship, as an equivalent to the running club... Pragmatic, and solves a problem. I don't know if has actually been doing this any way, but I would love to hear if anyone else has found a way through this or has any advice...

You don’t sound compatible anymore. Sex 5 times in 3 years would make me feel completely rejected.

Was your sex drive like this before you got married and had children? If it was, he shouldn't have stayed.

you aren’t a couple anymore. You’re two friends.

Time to separate… your want different things… it’s not working for either or you.

im sure you can maintain a friendship

Agree with others a marriage for him means sex, it doesn’t for you.

Separate and remain friends so the boundaries are clear.

To all those saying prostitution is a choice, most prostitutes are drug addicted, trafficked or suffered child hood abuse. You’re exploiting some of the most vulnerable in society.

You can get the occasional ‘middle class’ escort, but that’s RARE, and they STILL get PTSD years later at above average rates.

Putting aside the morality of prostitution, which others here have articulated so well, I would do everything in my power not to open up the marriage in any way, shape, or form. I am absolutely not saying you should be ‘lying back and thinking of England’ but it might be a good idea to get yourself into a place where you do want more of a sex life.

I’d start with the GP, get on HRT if you’re not already, maybe some testosterone, and aim to recapture the intimacy. Once you have opened the door to an open marriage it is very hard to close it again. He might start off with sex workers, but once that has happened, it seems a much smaller step to going on Tinder to find a regular and less expensive way to get sex, and then it’s easy to start developing feelings for someone he gets on with who also wants to have sex - and then your marriage is at real risk of breaking down.

I feel bad for you DH. 5 times in 3 years must be really difficult for him if he didn’t agree to a celibate marriage. It’s clearly still important - important enough that he’s considering using a sex worker.

@JazzyJelly Why should the women who choose to do it take any notice of what you'd prefer them to do? And your coercion argument is nonsense. You could say we're all coerced to work. Blame the (mainly) men who traffic and pimp, not the women who want to do sex work.

Oh OP, you are happily married and he is not.

There’s no solution that just makes him happy to live without sex. Right now, you are still the person he wants to have sex with, so if you do find a way for you to want sex again (definitely go to your GP), you could have a happy marriage again.

I echo other posters saying opening up your marriage is a big risk. Some men can separate sex and love, but most good ones can’t. If he was the sort of man who could, he’d already be going elsewhere.

Oh OP, you are happily married and he is not.

I think this is the crux of it.

He is happy with his day to day life and has no particular desire to blow that up but he's not 'happily married'.

I'm not saying that from a Men Are Shit perspective either. There are an awful lot of women who stay in relationships they're not happy with because the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. But that doesn't make it a happy marriage.

I would separate before I agreed to the marriage being opened up and the suggestion of prostitutes would lose all respect for him so it would be over anyway.

I feel very strongly that women should not have to ingest medications (with all the potential side effects and long term consequences) in order that a man can get his end away.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel I agree with you entirely. Yes - some men can separate sex and love. I knew a man who could easily do that. I don't think many women can though so it could still be a problem for OP. Even if she agreed to DH going elsewhere she would likely feel unhappy about it.

If so, I am really pleased to be 'sheltered'.
As I said, consent cannot be purchased.

It’s a fine line, isn’t it?

Sex is a part of closeness, intimacy, the exchange of pleasure and passion.

And sex drive for women can be so easily knocked. Childbearing exhaustion, feeling pawed and handled by kids, changes to body and feelings about body image, hormones….

But sex can be such a boost, gets the endorphins up, etc.

I know lots of people who retreated and were happy enough living as semi hermits after lockdown, didn’t crave social occasions or exploring new horizons. But after being gently encouraged, or pitched by necessity into re-entering g the world as they used to enjoy it they refound old joy they had forgotten they missed.

A long time ago a wise MNer on a thread discussing how to rouse any enthusiasm for sex in the young kids stage said she found ‘acting as if’ soon led to feeling for real.

I should emphasise that this was her wanting to reclaim her own sexual drive, not finding a way to have sex with someone she simply didn’t want to have sex with.

A lot of women’s’ stimulus seems to be in our minds and imagination. ‘Acting as if’ has really worked for me sometimes. ‘Acting as if I feel I want sex, am ready to enjoy sex, imagining things, fantasy… ‘ until reality takes over.

And a sex life is often self-maintaining, the more sec you have the more regularly you want it.

We might not need to stuff ourselves with drugs.

I think prostitution is wrong and damaging for all involved for many reasons, but to say all prostitution is “rape” devalues the word rape in my opinion.

It’s entirely possible for someone to consensually sell their body. It doesn’t make it right or healthy to do so, but it doesn’t mean it’s not been done willingly, even if the thought of doing that repulses you personally.

Otherwise we risk defining rape as anything that doesn’t meet our concept of the ideal, and that any time there’s any hint of lack of enthusiasm, compromise or bargain involved in sex, it’s “rape”… there’s then no word left for genuinely non-consensual sex.

Rail against prostitution all you like, but don’t equate it with rape and devalue the experiences of that who have actually been raped.

Whilst we were both on the same page, it felt fine. If he still wanted sex, then I would have let him go.

this from me too

I’m not naive, it’s quite the opposite actually, I feel like we only ever look at the grim and dirty side of it.

It might well be that 90% is grim, and I don’t dispute that. But there is a difference between those trafficked or forced vs those choosing it because they can make good money being the paid for arm candy who gives optional extras at the end of the night.

my response was just back to those who basically called it all rape/coercion/forced - this is not always the case.

Well said!

A friend of my husband has a daughter who is a heroin addict. She comes from a very comfortable privileged home but chooses to sell herself for sex to buy drugs. She isn’t pimped or coerced or raped. It’s the way she chooses to pay for her drug habit.

Oh well, that's OK then .....

You wouldn't call it slavery if she had a regular job, would you? Then it's not rape if she sells sexual services.

Of course it’s not okay! It isn’t rape though.

I think the paying for sex suggestion is him trying to say he does not want a relationship with anyone else & so paying for sex ensures this doesn’t happen. Regardless of the rights & wrongs of commodifying women’s bodies & using them as objects which I disagree with, I think he’s trying to find a solution to the problem of there being no physical intimacy in your relationship that he is saying he needs. Which he’s not wrong to want to regain with you. And that he’s respecting that you do not have those needs & appear to be happy living without sex in your relationship. I think as other PP’s have said the fact that he’s talking to you about this is positive - he isn’t just having sex behind your back. You def both need to see a couples (with experience of sex & intimacy) therapist imo. While you should never feel pressurised into having sex when you don’t want to be, he is not in that place. So some kind of a solution needs to be made. Do you not want to have any physical intimacy at all? A compromise is that you start re discovering your body with him like massage & touch & not necessarily PIV types of intimacy. But if see a specialist & possibly HRT (if medically viable) to maybe help you regain some of your libido & urge to be physical with him.

I just realized that OP never responded to any of our comments. 🤔

Soooo gross, “younger women take their places” men are so vile.

It’s a tricky one. Sex drive ebbs and flows throughout the lifespan, but unless both people in a relationship agree that they don’t want to have sex anymore you end up with one person who feels unhappy, rejected, and frustrated.

Many people see sex as an important part of a marriage and to have it withdrawn can be devastating for their self esteem (my ex was the one who didn’t want sex. Turned out it was just sex with women he didn’t like). I really missed the physical and emotional intimacy, and the connection. Without sex we were just flatmates. And it’s much, much, easier to part with flatmates than lovers.

In an intimate relationship, sex is (hopefully) about more than just ‘getting your end away’. It strengthens bonds, makes you feel happy and safe, and special, to your partner. It creates ‘goodwill’ - a good mood - acts of kindness, touch, service, etc. are much more commonplace. Even if you don’t want to take medication it’s worth exploring with a therapist whether you want to/can increase your libido. A good sex life in a loving relationship really is worth its weight in gold.