Happily married except...

[QuirkyLurk]

Hi,
First ever post so please be kind.

DH and I have been married for 25 years, two adult DS and a lovely life, except... I have no sex drive at all. We have done the deed five times in the last three years (DH says) we have a great relationship apart from this, but since my hysterectomy this January, I am happy to not do it any more.

It is not an issue with me. Just not in my mind at all which I am completely happy about, tbh.

DH and I went to Paris recently and had a great time. Posh dinners etc, but years ago we would have spent the morning in bed. DH suggested it, but always feels like he is treading on eggshells.

We went out for breakfast instead and had a conversation where he said that everything is good, but we are coming to a different phase of our life now DS are both adults and sex is still very much something he wants to continue. He doesn't want it to be complicated.

He gave an analogy which I think I get... He said that I go running once a week with a running club and asked why I don't go running with him instead and if I didn't go running with him, he didn't think I should run with anyone else?

I said that he was not a good runner, had no interest in running and I'd rather run with like-minded people to paraphrase. I could see where the analogy was going and kind of played along...
He said that as a man, sex is a less emotional and more physical experience and that by the same token, as all else is good with us, he would like to find someone, (paid for) as he doesn't want a relationship, as an equivalent to the running club... Pragmatic, and solves a problem. I don't know if has actually been doing this any way, but I would love to hear if anyone else has found a way through this or has any advice...

I agree. I think it would devastate your marriage.

Does no one care about STDs?

Op isn't going to have sex with him anymore.

We are in a similar situation. My wife lost her sex drive years ago. It is frustrating but I could never consider using prostitutes or having a one stand or an affair.
We have talked this through many times. Our solution is compromise. Basically,without wishing to be crude, I look after myself,sometimes my wife helps. It would be unfair to consider anything else

So you've not had an affair? Just masturbate?

Sex can be part of an intimate relationship - a shared pleasure. But it is clear that this is not how this man sees it - he just wants a poke and is happy to pay for it. That is a whole different scenario from two people who love each other trying to navigate an incompatibility that has arisen.

No way would I be taking hormones or any other drug in this situation. Do women not do enough of that in their lifetimes? Why should the OP take a drug in order to create an artificial libido for the sake of this man who regards prostitution as fine?

It is very common that a woman's libido declines after the menopause (I know there are exceptions) - that is simply how nature operates. Why should the OP tinker with nature for the sake of this shallow man? Virtually every couple who gets to middle age has to find compromises over this - it is highlighted often enough on Mumsnet! It is never easy.

I find if odd all this 'lost libido' is an excuse to impose a sexless relationship on someone. Newsflash the more you have good sex the more you want it.

Intimacy is an important part of a relationship and if you cba you have to offer your dp the option of splitting or having an open relationship, or even better find out what turns you on and reconnect physically. No one has to be forced nor coerced but this narrative of 'oh women over 40 don't want sex anymore and their dp has to accept that' is batshit. We see it all the time on the relationships board 'we haven't had sex for 5yrs my dh was happy with that but now he's messaging an ow and I think he's going to leave'.

Relationships matter and a good relationship is worth making an effort for.

'Why should the OP tinker with nature for the sake of this shallow man? '

If a woman posted that her dh had ED and she felt rejected and unloved many people would suggest he saw a Dr and took medication. We all 'tinker with nature' and take meds for a whole host of things and if it improves a relationship that is an added bonus.

@QuirkyLurk Do you have any single friends you trust? Maybe consider the idea of him having a casual relationship (like a FWB) with someone you know. That way, it's at least with someone you're comfortable with.

He’s probably already sexually active outside the relationship. If your sex life has been difficult for the past 3 years, there’s a strong chance he could have an affair.

If that doesn't happen, he'll grow increasingly resentful and eventually leave anyway.

Good lord what an awful idea.

Yes surely if you go down the route of encouraging hook ups the last thing you want is it to be someone you know!

😂

Look, at this point she either offers a FWB deal or calls it a day. The guy’s going to have an affair and leave anyway—might as well give it a shot herself before he takes it elsewhere. If she can’t handle the idea of an open marriage, that’s fair—but then she needs to let him go enjoy whatever time he’s got left. Either way, pretending it’s a happy marriage when he’s clearly miserable is just delusional.

I just can’t imagine how it would improve any marriage for one partner to be seeing prostitutes or fucking a friend. It would completely change the dynamic between you. Especially in a long term relationship where there had always been fidelity.

The prostitution idea is better than sleeping with a friend of the OP's.

I think this situation is more common than people realise .Middle age women lose their sex drive quite often ,and having a hystorectomy will inevitably make it worse.Many men seem to be sex driven ,but find relief on porn sites or similar.I think knowing he is visiting women purely as a transaction,would be something I would not be comfortable with TBH. I think you may have to consider separating .It's up to you of course, but without sounding unkind. I wonder if he is thinking of the hit to his wallet! Divorcing inevitably leaves people poorer

he has every right to not want to be in a sexless marriage

Nobody stays til the bitter end anymore, marriage vows are a joke.

Yes, not to the most satisfying answer but I do not want to be unfaithful, nor get involved with anyone who want more, or worse scene scenario- blackmail. I seen this before with friends, men and woman who have got themselves into tricky situations and on one occasion ended up with someone they really didn't want to be with permanently.

@RomanticLettuce I think some people do.

BlazenWeight absolutely. What a stupid comment.

I’m so sorry. My marriage was like this @YourAquaLion . It did really affect my self esteem in the end.
My DH also stopped any form of physical connections, hugs hand holding.
i hope yours works out xx

@LoveLifeBeHappy I understand that you want to contribute a positive response to the OP... but why have you just given her a copy and paste from ChatGPT? Why are you not authenticaly and genuinely responding with your personal, human, insights and feelings? If someone wants a machine response the AI bots are free for all to use. They don't need someone to copy and paste an AI response for them, surely?

@joliefolle

Firstly, that wasn’t a copy-and-paste from ChatGPT. I took the time to write that reply myself, and it includes my own personal insights and thoughts.

If you'd like to have a broader discussion about ChatGPT and its use on Mumsnet, feel free to start a separate thread.

In the meantime, I hope you’ll also contribute to the actual topic here, rather than focusing on whether someone may or may not have used ChatGPT.

1. Apologies for assuming your style of writing was ChatGPT - my mistake, thank you for pointing it out.
2. Thank you for your invitation to start a separate thread - I really appreciate it. Great idea!
3. Have you RTFT? Let me know if my contributions to the actual topic here suit you or if you'd like a more formal or friendly tone. I can also do a deeper analysis of the question if you like?

Apologies for assuming your style of writing was ChatGPT - my mistake, thank you for pointing it out.

Apology accepted.

Thank you for your invitation to start a separate thread - I really appreciate it. Great idea!

I look forward to seeing this thread on Mumsnet.

Have you RTFT? Let me know if my contributions to the actual topic here suit you or if you'd like a more formal or friendly tone. I can also do a deeper analysis of the question if you like?

I haven’t read the entire thread yet, just been scanning through—it’s about eight pages long. If you could link to your post or point me to where it is, I’m happy to have a proper read and come back to you. I’m just not sure which question you feel needs a “deeper analysis,” or how that’s directly relevant to what the OP is actually talking about. I’d rather keep the focus on the original topic.