Over 40, never had a boyfriend or any sexual experience

[ForPoliteRaven]

Exactly like the title says. It’s not for lack of trying. Online dating didn’t work for me despite having good photos and a professional writing my profile. I had a few first dates as a result, but they weren’t interested in another after meeting me. I’ve had friends try to set me up, but they weren’t interested. I was nice, their words, but apparently I wasn’t worth getting to know. My mother even handed out my phone number to a few guys over the years. I went out with them too, but the looks on their faces told me I wasn’t what they expected. So, less than ten first dates ever, and never a second.

I chalk it up to my appearance. I was diagnosed with a skin condition when I was little and I was relentlessly bullied throughout middle school and portions of high school. I had very few friends and really no family support to deal with it. I was just told to ignore them. That advice doesn’t work. I was always compared to my younger sister throughout childhood. All I heard was how pretty/beautiful she was. No one ever said that about me. I didn’t have dates for dances or the prom. I didn’t get invited to parties either. My self-esteem was destroyed before it could even appear.

Seeing my friends find boyfriends, getting married, and hearing about their sex lives hurts. I have nothing to say in conversations about these topics because I haven’t had these experiences. One of my friends even made fun of me for reaching the age of 38 a virgin and never having a boyfriend. I dropped her like a hot potato. A mutual friend has said she hopes I can forgive her one day, but she made me feel so small and like less of a woman.

I’ve been to counseling and it hasn’t helped. I was told to write down the qualities I like about myself and carry it with me so I can look at it when I’m feeling down. Another told me that I should try meeting people at church. When I told her I’m an atheist, she tried to convince me I wasn’t, and that I should go to church. I started seeing a new counselor, but I can’t afford my copays at the moment. I’m off for summer break, so my finances are carefully budgeted until I get my first check in August. I really liked her too.

What else can I do? I’m educated, kind, funny, and have a lot of interests and hobbies. I’ve changed my hair, my clothing, got my teeth fixed, and I take care of myself. I think I have a lot to offer a man. But they don’t seem to want me. Is there any hope for me? I’m so touch starved and am craving that kind of romantic touch I’ve never had before. Even a hug from a man would be nice.

It sounds to me more about your self esteem than your appearance op.

The best way to meet someone in my experience is via hobbies. Do you have any hobbies that get you out to meet people or are you interested in any topic you'd like to turn into a hobby?

I’m assuming from your post that you’re in the US, so I can’t give specific recommendations based on general geography. But I think it would probably help to know whether you still have the skin condition and, if so, what it is and whether it can be treated. This isn’t because I think you’re a hopeless case until that happens, but because it clearly has such an impact on your self-esteem.

But beyond that, I would be very tempted to look for local sex parties: ones that are well-organised and safe. And just go along. As a single female you will be welcome pretty much everywhere, and I would be genuinely amazed if you didn’t find that there were people there who are more than willing to touch you in whatever way you want. And that is half the battle: knowing what it feels like to be desired, and knowing that people do find you attractive. Potentially also losing your virginity and not having that dragging you down and impacting your dating experiences in future.

After that, prioritising hobbies where you get to meet people would be where I went next.

I realise this approach may sound drastic, but since you’ve tried dating apps and hobbies already, it sounds like you need something more radical to break you out of this holding pattern.

I really wouldn't recommend sex parties. This has a high risk of damaging the op's self esteem further. Not because she wouldn't find someone to play with, but because the op is after the connection. Not the sex.

And of course, the possibility that the op won't be asked to play by anyone safe as her self esteem is so low that it shows outwardly.

I don't have any particular advice, but hold on to that atheism like the precious resource it truly is! I'm sure you'll get people coming along saying "I'm not really religious but I joined a church for community bla bla bla..." but as soon as you drop your guard it'll be a green light to every creep and predator in the neighbourhood. Don't give them an inch, ever. (Even after moving to a predominantly Catholic country I've been accosted in the street by Jehovah's Witnesses posing as harmless elderly people in need of help. There seems to be no serious political will to stop them from preying on people, revolting opportunist scum that they are. But I digress.)

I didn't completely understand what you said about your skin condition - is it cured now but your self confidence is still damaged, or are you still suffering from the skin complaint, or both? I think the advice you need depends on whether you need to try to change your mindset, your appearance, or just your dating strategy.

@TourangaLeila I was counting the minutes until someone inevitably suggested salsa dancing, but you were straight in there with sex parties! I shouldn't knock it till I've tried it I suppose! 😂

Sex parties? Possibly the maddest idea I’ve seen here on MN

I’m not kidding about the sex parties. The good ones are female-led and OP can engage as much or as little as she wants and build her confidence gradually. She doesn’t have to just launch herself in there, spread her legs and take on all comers. It’s fine to walk around, look, have a chat over a drink, and walk out without doing anything, but doing it in an environment where people are at least clear in their motives for being there.

Yes, it looks extreme as a solution on the surface, but hobbies and apps haven’t worked so why not consider something more radical?

I do have hobbies. I like to read, write, and play games. I get their solitary activities, but that stems from being excluded from social activities growing up, so I had to find ways to entertain myself without other people. There are events to go to around town, but I haven’t met anyone. I’ve shown interest with eye contact and a smile, but it’s never been reciprocated.

Because what do you think it would do to OP’s confidence and self esteem if the first sexual experience she attempts is a sex party, and even there not a single person wants to be with her?

What if they do, she has sex, and then afterwards her mental health takes a battering? There’s a reason a sex party isn’t the ideal way to lose your virginity, or have your first sexual experiences. After 40 years we & she have no idea how she will feel afterwards, I have friends who have attended sex parties who have had other partners but have still been left with very mixed, complicated and difficult emotions afterwards. It’s not a good idea.

I’ve actually considered it, but the only ones I’ve found are primarily geared towards couples who want to swing or have a threesome. I want to sleep with someone I trust. Plus the possibility of me going to a party and having no one want me will be discouraging.

Glad I’m not the only one who thought it was bonkers

Stick to your guns on this one OP, I totally agree with you.

Your self esteem would take a battering if you went and nothing happened, your mental health could take a battering if you go, have sex, and then go home alone.

Lots of people have lots of different emotions after their first sexual experience, at your age especially it could be a really tricky thing to navigate mentally afterwards, you don’t want to be doing that with no support from a partner.

They’ll pry my atheism out of my cold dead hands. I’ve been an atheist since I was twelve and I’m not changing now. There is no cure for my condition, and it’s not bad at the moment. Creams are the first line of treatment and that’s all doctors will give me. The creams don’t work anymore. The stronger stuff can cause cancer and even if they’d prescribe it, and even if I could afford it, I wouldn’t use them. The condition destroyed any chance for me to develop self-esteem because it came about when I was really young. Combine that with hearing how pretty my younger sister was all the time, and having no one ever say it about me, didn’t help.

And that’s fair enough.

If you’re into gaming, is there any way you can look at ARGs that have an IRL element that you could join in with? Games like Ingress often include meet-ups and might give you a chance to meet people in a low pressure environment and allow things to grow from there.

And while it’s a tough one, I’m going to ask it anyway: is it possible that you’re going into the dating environment carrying the weight of hope that this guy will finally be the one to take things further and potentially coming across too intense? If you think there may be some truth to this, you can at least try to dial it back and see whether it makes a difference.

I’m an over sharer and sometimes I talk too much on dates. That’s because I’ve gone long periods in between dates. There are times when I reach out to friends and hear nothing back, so at the first moment of human contact it feels like I need to make up for lost time. It’s something I’ve worked hard on and it’s gotten better, but I can tell they’re not interested in me. I’ve tried looking for hobby groups for gaming, but they’re only D&D or Magic the Gathering and I’m not interested in those games.

There is something about you that is putting men off - do you have a trusted friend who you can rely on to be completely honest with you?

Could you perhaps get a friend to arrange a double date? They could see what you're like on a date and give you some feedback afterwards.

And there lies the issue. I’d have to find a partner. But no one has been willing to take it that far with me.

I would hire someone who knows what they're doing and will introduce you to sex. Not just anyone but someone professional and kind. You might find that you give off a slightly different vibe after some of that.

I think you have the wrong poster?

OK, so that’s something you can work on. If you know that’s what you’re doing, you can be alert to it and try to keep a lid on. That’s a good start.

What kind of games do you like? I agree that DnD isn’t for everyone. I mentioned Ingress because it’s all about team work and is essentially a global game of capture the flag using real life landmarks. So you can meet people by chance, or join your local team group and just start by joining a chat, and move on to IRL meet-ups if you get on with people online.

I rarely play these days because I don’t have the time, but I have made excellent friends via the game and I know a fair few couples that have formed as a result of playing. I think it has helped that people know each other by their online chat and therefore already had a connection and something in common before they met, so there is an attraction that goes beyond looks.

I really think you have to give online dating another go. I saw that there was a new dating app that skips the chat and goes straight to a date if you match. I can't remember what it was called, but you could google it and get stuck in! Just go on lots and lots of dates. You will click with someone at some point if you go on 5 dates a week!

And think of it as you being in control. You are interviewing for a partner! And also accept that there will always be people who don't like you - just as you won't like everybody. It's just life.

Finally, like others have said, I am sure you are lovely and attractive and that it's just your self-esteem that is holding you back.

Good luck!

I think you should keep going with the online dating. Can you go for a different ‘type?’ I do believe it’s a numbers game too so the more dates you have the more you are likely to meet someone who wants to meet up again. Maybe you could meet someone more like you.

I know a woman in her 50s who was on a mission to meet someone after she divorced and she met lots of men, got a shag from most of them and eventually settled down and got married again. Not to be rude but she was not conventionally attractive but she was friendly and bubbly and had plenty of offers and good luck to her.

I like JRPGs, sandbox games, and FPS. There aren’t many groups in my area for those, and they’re geared towards younger people. I’d be the senior citizen in those groups. Many years ago, I used to do online role play, and developed friendships there. I sent photos and after that the friendships I had with the guys fizzled out. I’ve been hesitant to engage with chatting ever since.

I've just checked the site I mentioned. It's called Breeze.

I think my standards are normal. The types of guys I prefer are just ordinary or nerdy types. I don’t reach out to the gorgeous ones because I know I won’t have a chance with them. When I was using the apps, most of my messages went unanswered. The ones I had dates with ghosted and blocked me.