Over 40, never had a boyfriend or any sexual experience

[ForPoliteRaven]

Exactly like the title says. It’s not for lack of trying. Online dating didn’t work for me despite having good photos and a professional writing my profile. I had a few first dates as a result, but they weren’t interested in another after meeting me. I’ve had friends try to set me up, but they weren’t interested. I was nice, their words, but apparently I wasn’t worth getting to know. My mother even handed out my phone number to a few guys over the years. I went out with them too, but the looks on their faces told me I wasn’t what they expected. So, less than ten first dates ever, and never a second.

I chalk it up to my appearance. I was diagnosed with a skin condition when I was little and I was relentlessly bullied throughout middle school and portions of high school. I had very few friends and really no family support to deal with it. I was just told to ignore them. That advice doesn’t work. I was always compared to my younger sister throughout childhood. All I heard was how pretty/beautiful she was. No one ever said that about me. I didn’t have dates for dances or the prom. I didn’t get invited to parties either. My self-esteem was destroyed before it could even appear.

Seeing my friends find boyfriends, getting married, and hearing about their sex lives hurts. I have nothing to say in conversations about these topics because I haven’t had these experiences. One of my friends even made fun of me for reaching the age of 38 a virgin and never having a boyfriend. I dropped her like a hot potato. A mutual friend has said she hopes I can forgive her one day, but she made me feel so small and like less of a woman.

I’ve been to counseling and it hasn’t helped. I was told to write down the qualities I like about myself and carry it with me so I can look at it when I’m feeling down. Another told me that I should try meeting people at church. When I told her I’m an atheist, she tried to convince me I wasn’t, and that I should go to church. I started seeing a new counselor, but I can’t afford my copays at the moment. I’m off for summer break, so my finances are carefully budgeted until I get my first check in August. I really liked her too.

What else can I do? I’m educated, kind, funny, and have a lot of interests and hobbies. I’ve changed my hair, my clothing, got my teeth fixed, and I take care of myself. I think I have a lot to offer a man. But they don’t seem to want me. Is there any hope for me? I’m so touch starved and am craving that kind of romantic touch I’ve never had before. Even a hug from a man would be nice.

I’ve looked into meet-ups but they’re more geared towards older people. There are a plethora of retirees where I live, so I usually stick to local events that sound fun. I went to one recently and had a good time. All of the men there had their wives/families with them. But the food was good.

Lots of people have psoriasis, I don't think it is that that's causing the issue.

Do you do your hair/make up? Maybe go see a good beautician/aesthetics nurse? Get yourself feeling really confident in yourself.

I think the issue is, you're oozing desperation. You need to fill the void with genuine friendships and the rest will come.

Just wanted to say that I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood, you deserved better and I feel your parents/family should have been more supportive and kinder about your skin condition rather than compare you to your sister that didn't have one. I wouldn't underestimate the affect this has had on you and how it affects your ability to form relationships. You sound like a lovely person and I am sending you a big hug!

Hi OP,
I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling.

Some ideas that occurred to me reading your posts
You said you had good photos and professional help with your profile when you were online dating. Strangely I wonder if it is worth using less flattering photos. You might get less interest/replies but when you meet in person you will be as attractive if not more so than the person they are expecting to meet.
Perhaps your professional writing didn't represent you well - not that it didn't make you sound great but perhaps didn't show the real you?

Already we know about you
"Mum" to 2 cats
Likes xxx and yyyy gaming
Likes sports- watching not playing!....
I'm getting introverted vibes and there is nothing wrong with that but you don't want yo pretend to be the ultimate party girl if you prefer Fridays with a movie and take away.

You need the people reading the profile to get a good picture of you. You need to be unapologetically you so if they are looking for someone who wants to go raving all night (or whatever) they can scroll on by - they won't be compatible with you.

I agree with previous advice to treat dates as opportunities to have fun and practice dating rather than hoping to meet the one.

When you described the type of man you are approaching on apps (nerdy/into gaming) it struck me that they might be the type of guys that also could have a little less experience and some of the not following up/not reading your signals could be their own lack of confidence. It might help to arrange a date that reflected a shared interest such as a drink then a movie to take the pressure off a bit. Shared experience is great for building a connection.

I also think you should try to be open minded regarding who you meet. By that I don't mean willing to settle but perhaps the person you could meet and click with does play sport (doesn't mean that you have to), isn't into gaming or is 10 years older. Shared hobbies can be a source of connection but equally hobbies don't define you and plenty of people find their partners hobbies uninteresting.

On the oversharing don't tell men you haven't dated or had a relationship (until you are in a relationship). No need to lie just be vague e.g. asked about your last relationship just "it's been a while- how about you" or "let's not go there!" or whatever.

I also wouldn't mention your skin condition. I know it is a huge part of how you feel about yourself but a few patches of psoriasis are neither here nor there- but on a first date people want to have fun and good energy/positivity- so talk of school bullying/low self esteem etc is really better kept for a few months down the line. You are no longer that child at school you are a mature independent woman.

If you like the person smile a lot and laugh when the chance arises.

Good luck in your journey.

People have recommended books they’ve found helpful, so maybe start there. I’ve found therapy transformative, and have cut other things to the bone at times to afford it. Investigate costs in your area (or online), and see whether it’s possible with sacrifices. Aside from this, in your shoes I’d focus on finding practical ways to make me feel good about myself, whether that’s setting exercise goals, or volunteering, or finding other ways of achieving, or spending time with people who value me. I don’t have a visible difference, but I experienced CSA as a child, and there have been times in my life when I have literally been the only one believing I was worth anything at all. It’s tough when you don’t get a good start, but many of us don’t, and just have to do our best from a shaky set of circumstances. Very good luck. How you feels out yourself is key to all of this.

I do my hair and make-up every day for work and when I’m going out. I go to the salon regularly to get my hair done. It’s one of my favorite things. I have a good skin care routine too. How do you build confidence when you’ve never had any and had no one to help me build it up?

I’ve never told them about my lack of experience or the bullying I experienced. I never told them about my skin either. I wasn’t willing to disclose that until further down the line, if it got that far. I’ve tried branching out in the types of men I’m looking for. If they seem nice, funny, and a non-smoker then I’m more apt to message them.

It’s really hard for us to say what’s causing your lack of success in the dating scene because we haven’t met you.

What I would say is my OH has psoriasis and I think he is wonderful and perfect just the way he is. So that doesn’t have to be a barrier.

If you're into those sort of games, have you thought about LARPing? Similar sort of a vibe but can be a great way to meet people and women are definitely in the minority. I've only been once but it seemed fun and everyone was REALLY lovely. Also, a really diverse range of ages

I feel it has been for me because it’s what destroyed my confidence. If I didn’t have it, I wouldn’t have been compared to my sister. I wouldn’t have been bullied by my peers.

What you said about music and history and moving to another state made me wonder if you would consider going to your nearest big city for the weekend and joining groups of people there to watch music and maybe do a history tour or go to a lecture. Meetup is about making friends rather than getting dates but you could find one somewhere with a bit more going on than your home town. Being in a different place might make you feel more like you could re-invent yourself a bit, maybe wear clothes you wouldn't normally wear. I agree with others that it's a numbers game.
www.meetup.com/topics/usa/

Sorry that was the wrong link. https://www.meetup.com/cities/us/

I’ll look into it. The nearest city is a college town that might have things to do. Hopefully they’ll be people my age there!

You accept and like yourself OP, that's all! It's ok to be shy, an introvert or a virgin - god I'm sure there are a lot of men that would love/appreciate that tbh. It's also ok for your sister to be prettier - that doesn't mean you don't have worth too. There will be plenty of other people in the world prettier than your sister too I'm sure, but that doesn't take away from her worth.

School can be a minefield OP especially for the unconfident, your general lack of confidence may have led to your bullying more than your actual looks did. Your skin condition was just a weakness they found they could use against you, you need to give yourself some love for that - you know those kids were in the wrong and hopefully they've grown up now and know it was wrong too.

I had a male friend at uni who had been asked by a female friend of his if he'd show her the ropes for her first time - have you got a male mate that could help you get your virginity out the way? It might make you more confident when dating then and you might find suddenly your new confidence increases your popularity.

Good luck OP, I think it's just a bit of a numbers game. You've got to put yourself out there and meet as many people as you possibly can.

I'd go back to OLD. Join a few sites. Set your searches wide and be prepared to consider men who may be older/younger/from a different background/lifestyle/appearance to your ideal, and remember it's a long game, so give it as long as it takes. You might as well be single and on sites looking, as single and doing nothing to meet someone.

Sounds like an awful idea. Suppose the person is quite rough or selfish. Sounds like a scary way to have your first time.

Are there OLD for people who are not very experienced? There seems to be sites to cater for all sorts so why not for that?

I don’t have any male friends that I can ask to do that. They’re all married.

Go back to online dating and this time pick the good looking guys. Just because they are good looking doesn’t mean they aren’t nice people. And what you think is good looking isn’t necessarily what others think is good looking. I have a friend who has psoriatic arthritis and she thinks her DH is devastatingly gorgeous. I think he’s ok. My DH is to me the beautiful youth I lusted after but he is wrinkled and etc. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder. Go for a bloke who likes cats too.

A friend of mine said the same thing. She doesn’t know about my inexperience. It’s disheartening to keep at it when my messages are ignored, or the men I manage to arrange a date with don’t want to see me again. It’s a numbers game, I get that, but the numbers for me are extremely low.

If you’re getting ghosted and blocked after date 1, then realistically you’re either a) not what your profile portrayed or b) doing something on the date which puts them off (it sounds like you’re not even getting the ‘thanks for a great night but you’re not what I’m looking for’ text?)

I would echo suggestions of volunteering work, a different animal shelter, a local group or something and I know you said about arthritis but what about being a tail walker for park run if you can walk 5km ok or helping with the timings or a swimming group or something like yoga, tai chi, meditation or an evening class for pleasure like cooking or learning a language.

I would try anything different a couple of times and if you meet someone nice, take things slowly and listen and ask lots of questions.

You seem quite keen to put up barriers to everything people are suggesting. That also may be an indicator of what is going on. Looks aren't that important when it comes to men so it won't be the way you look. It will be something to do with the way you act.

I’m honest on my profile. I wouldn’t want anyone lying to me, so I give people the same respect. I’m guilty about over sharing because I go so long without dates, so I feel I need to make up for lost time. I’ve worked hard to stop doing that. You’re right, I don’t even get that text. I’m often ghosted. Which has led me to believe that my appearance, and my over sharing, are reasons why I’m still inexperienced at my age.

Just a thought, but are there any support groups online for people with similar conditions to yours? Maybe someone who's been through something similar would be more understanding. It's horrible that people can be so shallow btw, you sound lovely.

I’m willing to try anything. But the demographics in my area aren’t that great. My state is highly conservative, caters mostly to families, and is full of retirees. I have to dig to find events to attend. Nothing against retirees and those with families, but I’d like to meet people my age and are single.