Over 40, never had a boyfriend or any sexual experience

[ForPoliteRaven]

Exactly like the title says. It’s not for lack of trying. Online dating didn’t work for me despite having good photos and a professional writing my profile. I had a few first dates as a result, but they weren’t interested in another after meeting me. I’ve had friends try to set me up, but they weren’t interested. I was nice, their words, but apparently I wasn’t worth getting to know. My mother even handed out my phone number to a few guys over the years. I went out with them too, but the looks on their faces told me I wasn’t what they expected. So, less than ten first dates ever, and never a second.

I chalk it up to my appearance. I was diagnosed with a skin condition when I was little and I was relentlessly bullied throughout middle school and portions of high school. I had very few friends and really no family support to deal with it. I was just told to ignore them. That advice doesn’t work. I was always compared to my younger sister throughout childhood. All I heard was how pretty/beautiful she was. No one ever said that about me. I didn’t have dates for dances or the prom. I didn’t get invited to parties either. My self-esteem was destroyed before it could even appear.

Seeing my friends find boyfriends, getting married, and hearing about their sex lives hurts. I have nothing to say in conversations about these topics because I haven’t had these experiences. One of my friends even made fun of me for reaching the age of 38 a virgin and never having a boyfriend. I dropped her like a hot potato. A mutual friend has said she hopes I can forgive her one day, but she made me feel so small and like less of a woman.

I’ve been to counseling and it hasn’t helped. I was told to write down the qualities I like about myself and carry it with me so I can look at it when I’m feeling down. Another told me that I should try meeting people at church. When I told her I’m an atheist, she tried to convince me I wasn’t, and that I should go to church. I started seeing a new counselor, but I can’t afford my copays at the moment. I’m off for summer break, so my finances are carefully budgeted until I get my first check in August. I really liked her too.

What else can I do? I’m educated, kind, funny, and have a lot of interests and hobbies. I’ve changed my hair, my clothing, got my teeth fixed, and I take care of myself. I think I have a lot to offer a man. But they don’t seem to want me. Is there any hope for me? I’m so touch starved and am craving that kind of romantic touch I’ve never had before. Even a hug from a man would be nice.

Op I’m sorry this is causing you distress. Can I ask a blunt question? You say you are an oversharer. But can I ask do you dominate the conversation and essentially talk too much about yourself? Do you ask the date questions and show interest in their life/ views/ experiences? Are you listening to respond or listening to understand when they are speaking? Just something to consider.

I’ve gone through periods where I stopped looking and focused on other things. It didn’t result in meeting anyone organically. I’ve also heard the usual lines about relationships and sex being overrated and how the grass isn’t always greener. I appreciate you taking the time to reply, but this is a sensitive topic for me. I already feel like less of a woman because of this and it really isn’t helping me feel better.

I have no intention of doing it.

I do think dating is a numbers game, if you’ve only had 10, the fact none of them took is no great surprise.

Date a lot, and if you can, try some pastimes (running club, walking club, volunteering) that would help widen your social circle.

No intention of making you feel worse OP, I do understand where you are coming from - I don't for one minute think relationships are over-rated at all, having people who love you is really important - and a hug and a kiss is great for sure.

I guess my key point from my, albeit short foray into the world of relationships, is that happened when I stopped looking for it, and that person was closer to hand than I might have thought. OK, in my case it fizzled out, mainly because I gave up on the idea!

I've heard this line of "it will happen when you stop looking" so many times, and it really makes no sense, but there you go, it seems to work!

Whatever, all the best and I really hope you find someone special soon.

You mentioned you like sandbox games..... ever heard of Elite Dangerous? Its a space simulation. It has an amazing suppportive and friendly on-line community.

Love the game and the friendships could grow .....

@ForPoliteRaven

If you are a gamer (purely given your Sandbox ref) would you consider DnD?

e.g. for a flavour; https://www.youtube.com/@criticalrole

There are many boardgame clubs you could attend which are much more social and could take the pressure off a one-to-one.

This isn't a recent list but may give a starting point for you;
https://boardgamegeek.com/thread/2332894/best-cities-in-the-usa-for-board-gamers

Wishing you all the best lovely🌻

OP, I've read all your posts and here's what I think:

Firstly, you are stuck in negative patterns of thinking. Every suggestion made to you, you've got a reason why it won't work. The reality is, if you want your life to change, you have to make changes. You've spent 40-odd years doing the same things with the same results. So guess what? If you want different results, you've got to do different things. You say you have limited opportunities where you live. So move. You say you can't afford to move? Well, get a second job and save like crazy for a year, and then move. You're a teacher - you could move abroad and be earning much more money, living in a new and exciting place, meeting totally different people. You say you can't do that because of your cats. Just take your cats with you! While you're busy finding excuses, time is busy ticking. You need to stop saying no to life and start saying yes.

Secondly, and probably the cause of the above, is that you are neurodiverse. I'm a teacher too and have a lot of experience working with autistic kids. Your thought patterns, interests and difficulty with social interactions are quite textbook for ASD. Women are very under diagnosed and very good at masking. Testing yourself (you can do tests for free online to give you a reasonable indicator if this could be the case) and seeking out support and advice to help you understand the autistic brain if those tests come back positive (and I strongly suspect they will) could be enormously helpful for you.

Your shame at not having any sexual or relationship experience is what is holding you back. You don't need to let it continue to live rent free in your head, poisoning your life. Shame is just a feeling, and you control your feelings.

You are not less of a person for not having had a sexual or romantic relationship. Anyone can have sex, anyone can have a romantic relationship. You don't need to be special and it doesn't make you special for having experienced these things. On a basic level, sex is just a bloke inserting his penis inside of your vagina. It's really not that big of a deal. Animals and teenagers manage to figure it out. Having had sex doesn't magically make you wiser or more experienced at life than someone who hasn't. I remember I used to think that after I lost my virginity I'd somehow have this kind of special aura around me and everyone would notice and I was really disappointed when that obviously didn't happen!

You're walking around feeling shame and feeling that you are less of a person, you are ugly, and not worthy of love. That will undoubtedly impact the energy you give off to others. Without changing that energy you are not going to attract the right kind of people and relationships into your life.

I think you need support to help you change your patterns of thinking and learn to love yourself. Without being able to change the way you think, you are not going to be able to change the way you live. Please consider investing in therapy. Get an evening job in a bar or supermarket or whatever to pay for it if you have to.

Your life can change, but only if you believe it can. Anything is possible, for anyone, if we set our minds to it. You deserve happiness - believe it, and go out there and pursue it.

also just to add (though possibly not your state)

something like; https://www.meetup.com/central-texas-boardgames/

eta; https://www.meetup.com/okboardgame/

I've only read your posts OP and in doing so I really noticed how negative you come across. Whatever idea someone offers you always have a seemingly good reason why you can't try it or it won't work. Which makes me think that either you live in a place and a manner that is making it impossible to meet someone, or there is something deeper gping on.

If it really is the place, then you should put all your resources into moving away. Teach abroad, get a better paying job and move to another part of the country, or get a second job so you can save enough to travel somewhere.

I suspect, however, that it's that you have become attached to this idea of yourself as someone who can't attract a man. You say you have no confidence as though your confidence level can't be changed. But of course you can develop confidence and self esteem.

Honestly, I think the negativity and low self esteem will be what's putting men off. Confidence is attractive and sexy - being down on yourself is not.

The good news is you don't need therapy to build confidence. There are so many excellent free resources on YouTube and books in the library and articles online. You could also start following Matthew Hussey - he has an AI programme now that can give personalised advice which is pretty cool if you can't afford individual coaching.

I tend to agree with what you’re saying here, @EnidSpyton
I had to change my own mindset to be able to meet someone that was dating / relationship material for me, and in my case I had to go abroad to make that happen the first time. I was stuck in a lot of fear and shame patterns which kept me from opening up to meeting anyone for years.

Moving to another country helped me get a fresh start, and it was easier to allow myself to dare giving anyone a real chance. Not saying that the first or second relationship was perfect… Or that being in another country or state will magically make everything wonderful. But when I made that change I started to see that I could connect on a romantic level with a man, and that I was good enough to experience a relationship.

In order for anything new and positive to happen, you do need to make some new and positive changes in your life and to open up to the possibility of something good happening 💖

@EnidSpyton and @wrongthinker have nailed it. Your responses are very negative. You have a reason why every suggestion will fail. You had tricky experiences growing up but you’ve been an adult for longer than you’ve been a child and it feels a bit as if you’re hiding behind your childhood experiences in some ways. You’ve already said your psoriasis is scarcely visible and, frankly, most of us are fairly ordinary looking. God knows I am. People are still attracted to those of us who are ordinary looking.

You’re 40. You’ve got all the skills and talents that come with being a teacher. You have friends. You have interests. You’re a whole person. You can move state if you want to. You may need to plan it financially but people move for work all the time. You’ve stayed in a place that doesn’t work for you - literally and figuratively. Time to start switching things up a bit.

Hmm. The idea that the OP is "neurodiverse" seems to be gaining ground on this thread, although it wasn't mentioned until page 6 and only then by a rather trollish poster who then came back with a jibe about learning disabilities (!) when the OP didn't rise to the bait!

I'm not sure that this forum is the place to diagnose neurodiversity, but in my circle there has been a correlation between that and virginity over 40. Friend 1, male, openly talked about being a "virgo intacta" (as he put it!) supposedly for religious reasons. He was not diagnosed with anything but was regarded by many who knew him as textbook Asperger's. Friend 2, female, is very private and never talks about sex; she is however open about never having dated anyone, and I assume she is a virgin. She is diagnosed ADHD, which I imagine is a red herring as far as not dating is concerned, since we share similar disorganized traits and they've never stopped me! I expect she may be more "diverse" than she's letting on, though.

I wouldn't rush to diagnose the OP with autism based on what she has wriiten here. The problem seems to be specific to the world of sex and dating rather than relating to other people generally.

I’m pleased that you’re going back on the aps, I know they’re dreadful but you do seem to have had some dates from there. Next time you go on a date I think try:

• not to mention money. It’s clearly a barrier to a lot of things in your life but it’s probably quite off putting to someone looking to have fun with you.
• Teaching is very all-consuming and it’s very easy to go down a rabbit hole of talking about it more than other people are interested in it. Try and only mention work in the context of a question like “what do you do?” Rather than let it take up space on the date.
• try to be 100 percent positive about the thing you’re doing and the things they say. Aim for curious not critical.
• say nice things about them. “I love your choice of restaurant, Italian is my favourite”. “Coming out to this jazz night is really fun, I love that you’ve got such a passion for it”. “Thanks for telling me about your volunteering, it’s brilliant that you do such a good thing”.
• Think up some questions beforehand about their life and try to aim for them speaking around 75% of the time. When they tell you things ask them a question about what they’ve said instead of sharing a similar story.
• Touch them. It’s the quickest way of increasing intimacy and showing that you like them. Shoulders, hands, arms etc.

After the date don’t wait for them to make arrangements to go out with you again. Message them something like “I know you said that you’re into rock music, I’m thinking about going to x on Saturday. Would you like to come too?”

I had a very difficult youth, and this meant that the years that might have been spent launching into adulthood and exploring sexual relationships were spent simply trying to survive. It also meant my self esteem was at rock bottom when I began to feel like, perhaps I was ready for a physical relationship. So, I found myself, in my very late thirties, wondering how I could 'remedy' this situation.

Online dating was taking off, but there were still the 'Lonely Hearts' type ads in the local paper. I decided to answer one ad. a week. The first suitor was very nice, but quite a bit older than me and really looking for a companion. We saw each other twice and then just agreed to move on. The second suitor was far too 'full on' far too quickly, and I felt like I could not agree to what he suggested unless I charged a hefty fee. The third was a man, one year older than me who came from a local town and who made me laugh.

We had a lot in common. We had both been brought up in farming families, for example, we had similar tastes in music, we had similar political leanings.

We met in the February and we married in May. We have been married for over 26 years.

In summary, what worked for me was simply finding someone with whom I was comfortable and with whom there were some mutual interests. Appearance really didn't come into it. For example, my previous problems meant my teeth were in a terrible state. Just after we were married, he helped me to access a fantastic dentist who referred me to a dental hospital to have a lot of work done . Furthermore, we both have rather large, misshapen noses. However, our sons (one born in my early forties) have beautiful straight noses. My son made me choke on my tea once when he compared my nose to a 'willy'.

I have rambled on enough now, but I think the point I am making is that, often, finding the 'right' person happens unexpectedly and it can happen so quickly. Go out there and enjoy yourself. I met my husband through the Lonely Hearts, but I could just as easily have bumped into him at work, or get chatting on a bus. He made me feel good. He made me laugh, and when that happened my 'willy' nose, my nasty teeth and my wonky eye (I have one of those too) really did not matter.

Some people suggesting a ‘sex surrogate’ ie a sex worker. If a man who was in the same situation as the OP used a sex surrogate, according to MN he would be a total scum bag who no woman should ever date or marry!

It sounds like you'd benefit from lots more IRL casual chat with people who you aren't looking to date.
I actually think the gaming groups you mention would be good for that. Also book groups, cinema groups, and walking groups (or learn to ride a bike through a beginner's cycling group).
Get to know people you can practice your small talk on. Don't leap into dating and in fact going to groups where you can't date (women's exercise groups, Gen Z groups) would help lower that casual conversation barrier.

I was a bit younger than you but with few boyfriends behind me, v little sexual experience and having had a 7 year spell with no relationship/sex at all when I met my DH. I think the fact I had always had both casual and long term friendships helped me get the courage to actually date because I knew I could just chat to dates even if it didn't end up going anywhere.

Are you happy in your friendships? Do you feel like you have true friends that care about you and enjoy your company?

Do you work op? Colleagues?

So you went on a date to a jazz concert and you loved one of the songs and he got “pissed” off and “butt hurt”

are you sure op? How did he show this? And more to the point…. Why do you think he was pissed off you liked a song?

I’m an over sharer and sometimes I talk too much on dates.

who’s told you this OP? Or is this what you have concluded yourself?

Did you go to uni?

I’d lose the professional photos on the dating apps. Get a photo where you are relaxed, happy, smiling and look like you (even if not your best version of you). And rewrite your profile yourself. Let people who are deciding if they want to date you see you as you, iyswim. There will be men who would choose the real you over the polished version.

How did you meet the good friends?

She's a teacher.

Have you been on holidays with single people ?

Good place to meet different people