Over 40, never had a boyfriend or any sexual experience

[ForPoliteRaven]

Exactly like the title says. It’s not for lack of trying. Online dating didn’t work for me despite having good photos and a professional writing my profile. I had a few first dates as a result, but they weren’t interested in another after meeting me. I’ve had friends try to set me up, but they weren’t interested. I was nice, their words, but apparently I wasn’t worth getting to know. My mother even handed out my phone number to a few guys over the years. I went out with them too, but the looks on their faces told me I wasn’t what they expected. So, less than ten first dates ever, and never a second.

I chalk it up to my appearance. I was diagnosed with a skin condition when I was little and I was relentlessly bullied throughout middle school and portions of high school. I had very few friends and really no family support to deal with it. I was just told to ignore them. That advice doesn’t work. I was always compared to my younger sister throughout childhood. All I heard was how pretty/beautiful she was. No one ever said that about me. I didn’t have dates for dances or the prom. I didn’t get invited to parties either. My self-esteem was destroyed before it could even appear.

Seeing my friends find boyfriends, getting married, and hearing about their sex lives hurts. I have nothing to say in conversations about these topics because I haven’t had these experiences. One of my friends even made fun of me for reaching the age of 38 a virgin and never having a boyfriend. I dropped her like a hot potato. A mutual friend has said she hopes I can forgive her one day, but she made me feel so small and like less of a woman.

I’ve been to counseling and it hasn’t helped. I was told to write down the qualities I like about myself and carry it with me so I can look at it when I’m feeling down. Another told me that I should try meeting people at church. When I told her I’m an atheist, she tried to convince me I wasn’t, and that I should go to church. I started seeing a new counselor, but I can’t afford my copays at the moment. I’m off for summer break, so my finances are carefully budgeted until I get my first check in August. I really liked her too.

What else can I do? I’m educated, kind, funny, and have a lot of interests and hobbies. I’ve changed my hair, my clothing, got my teeth fixed, and I take care of myself. I think I have a lot to offer a man. But they don’t seem to want me. Is there any hope for me? I’m so touch starved and am craving that kind of romantic touch I’ve never had before. Even a hug from a man would be nice.

I get it but you can’t let that be the ultimate measure of the likelihood of it ever happening at all. I don’t mean either you should ‘force’ yourself to attend any event going but just make an effort on keeping aware of what’s happening event wise and just attending when it suits. I’m not going to lie though it is v hard and no one on this thread will have the answer. You sound a very level headed self aware person and anything I say, I think likely you’ve already heard or thought it. I guess I just want to empathise and show you some support really. I really do wish you all the best - unwanted singledom can be a very lonely place. 🤞♥️

I'd go with the classic advice about joining more groups etc. If there's nothing else available in your area, then the history groups would be enjoyable at least and would cheer you up. And retirees have families, including sons, nephews, grandsons...

I’ve never been on a second date with a man, so I only flirt a little bit while trying to get to know them. Because of my lack of experience, I want to get to know them better before jumping into the deep end. I would love to travel, but money is an issue. Everything is so expensive, so there’s no way I can afford to pay for a trip.

Some of my relatives, even my brother, have asked if I’m gay because they’ve never seen me with a boyfriend. I’m romantically and sexually attracted to men. I guess to them being gay is preferable to being related to someone who can’t attract a man.

I was in the beginning but I didn’t have success with that. I presented it in a positive light. My messages went unanswered. The dates I managed to have happened after removing that information from my profile. But all of those were first dates only. My condition isn’t that bad, a spot here and there, but it obliterated any self-esteem I could’ve had. It was a source of the bullying I experienced.

I appreciate that. I don’t attend every event I see, just the ones that sound interesting. I still do my own thing. I go out to eat and roam town alone. I usually don’t think about this but with my birthday coming up, and two friends planning their weddings, I’ve been really down. It’s hard for me not to think about it because it’s what I’ve been after off and on since I was a teenager.

It looks like an AI bot wrote this.

I’m not a bot. I’m an English teacher, it’s just how I write.

Do you think the issue could be that you're focusing too much on yourself and not enough on the people you're engaging with? As in, focusing on how much you're talking, whether you're oversharing...are you coming across as desperate? I know one woman who's in your situation and over 45, and she basically tends to leap at the chance to talk to men and smother them with intense stares and a lot of visible analysis of her own behaviour, and it comes across as intense and unnatural. I'd try dropping all your expectations and just try to tune into the person you're talking to, to relax into the atmosphere, and see what happens.

Any sports you might be interested in trying? Appreciate that is likely to cost money. Any Discord groups for the games you like? Book clubs? Writing courses/groups? Libraries might run those for free.

Can I ask what skin condition is it OP? Because I also had/have one and it was mostly on my face but with decent skincare and make up you can't tell and the amount of attention I got when I went out like that was crazy compared to the normal, which is so sad really, but I gotta say my confidence sky rocketed and I wasn't short of offers because I think my confidence was off the chart. I agree with others, it's probably a confidence thing rather than how u look as u sound very nice with good teeth etc work on that first I doubt it's your appearance.

Also in the kindest way try not to act too 'desperate', be cool as a cucumber!

I own up to being an oversharer and I’ve worked so hard on getting better at that. I know over sharing comes across as desperate and I don’t want to seem that way even if I am. I make an effort to just go with it and even when we’re making good conversation, they don’t want to see me again as either a friend or for another date.

I love sports but I mostly watch. I have arthritis as a result of my skin condition, so playing sports might not be feasible. I’ve joined discord groups, but they’re filled with mostly younger people. There are reading groups here that meet once a week just to come in and read for a couple of hours. I’ve thought about going to those.

Psoriasis?

You've mentioned that you've not had second dates, but not whether these were men that YOU wanted to have further dates with.

Do you have friends who are men? I'm wondering if maybe it would help if you spent more time just chatting with men in a friendly context without the forced agenda of a date. Opportunities for making such friendships could arise in sports groups e.g. kayaking or cycling, or adventure/walking holidays or similar

I have psoriasis. I agree that confidence is a huge issue for me. I’ve never had any because of the bullying by my peers and the jabs about my appearance by family members. When you’ve heard that you’re ugly or never received compliments on your appearance for most of your life, it’s hard not to think that my appearance is the issue too.

You’d advise a virgin to attend sex parties?

Jeez.🙄🤷‍♀️

Yes it’s psoriasis. I wanted to go out on second dates with some of the guys I went out with. I made sure to tell them I had a great time and would like to go out again, but they ghosted me.

I have a few friends that are men, but they are married and/or have kids. Some moved away from my area but we still chat. I like to watch sports, I have arthritis so participating could be difficult. I’d love to go on trips, but money is a problem.

You’ve said a few times that you live in a conservative state and therefore a sex surrogate is out of the question there. It sounds as if you might explore that possibility otherwise. Could you travel for it? I think it might take some pressure off you if you could have a gentle introduction to sexual experiences with someone professional who knows what they’re doing and will be sensitive and focussed on your experience? There is probably considerable cost involved and you would need to choose the person with care but it might be a possibility.

Also could living in a conservative state be holding you back in other ways? I get from that that everyone is following a very traditional path and that perhaps is adding to the pressure on you. If that is the state you grew up in, it sounds like no-one really looked after you when you were young and it hasn’t boosted you as an adult either. Could it help to get away entirely? Start afresh somewhere else?

With your dates, you probably are over-sharing. Men will likely be scared off if they think you’re looking for someone to rescue you from your single existence (so would women) - it’s a lot of pressure to put on someone. I was single for more or less my whole 20s and I know I started to treat meeting new men as if every new man could be the one for me - it meant i took everything terribly seriously and made it all very stressful. I was the cliche in that I met DH when my life was particularly busy with work and part-time graduate study to become a lawyer and I had lost interest in finding a partner.

Might it work to treat each date as practice just for dating rather than a search for a Mr Right? Focus on the other person. Practice relaxing. Knowing simply that every date you go on is more practice for the next?

Book a male escort, sorted.

For a newbie who's really looking for a relationship not just a shag is how I'm reading this. Suggesting a complete novice looks for sex parties doesn't sound the most sensible option..

Hobbies where you have to meet people is the answer. Nowhere to hide! Having to spend time with people is a good way to break the ice, get to know people better, etc.

Back in the day, I did observing with the local group of advanced motorists, which involved an hour sat with trainees in their car, helping them to improve their driving to advanced standard. That built up my confidence. It led to may becoming a special constable, which involved a couple of residential training weekends and then several hours "walking the beat" with either other specials or regular constables. Nowhere to hide! You have to make conversation with whoever you're paired up with, Sooner or later you "gel" with some of them, and that can lead to friendships and relationships. Alongside that, I did voluntary work at a local heritage museum, helped behind the scenes with a local amateur dramatic society, etc. After a few years, building confidence, making friends, I "got together" with a fellow special constable and we've been together for almost 40 years now! Neither of us "did" dating, socialising, pubs/clubs, etc., we're both on the quiet/shy side, but spending a few hours together walking the beat, meant we could really get to know eachother, break down barriers, by-pass the usual "physical attraction (or not)" etc.

Hi OP!!
Could you volunteer? Local literary festival, events type things, shelter, or other organisation near you?
You would gain friends, have loads of human contact (and take the edge of the loneliness you describe that then leaves you a bit starved for contact & you go overboard). You’d gain confidence - being in charge of helping others have a great experience etc. And you may meet someone you’d like to date or who’d love to date you?
I volunteer at the local Cheltenham Festivals as I work from home & need a bit of focus-shift to not drive my DH and family crazy :) The volunteers re a cery motley crew of all walks of life, ages, ability and personalities. Disabilities are not an issue, Looks aren’t either. It’s a great team effort and I really like the volunteers, banter & cameraderie. Once the festival’s over, I go home happily “socialised”, batteries recharged & looking forward to the next time. It’s a great way to interact with people & meet nee friends (and for you, potentially someone to date too :))

I would love to live in a more liberal minded state, but I don’t make enough money to even begin to save to move. People in my profession don’t make very much. Traveling out of state isn’t financially feasible because it’s so expensive. Airfare, hotels, and the appointment that won’t be covered by insurance will be too much for me to afford. Then I’d have to check the laws to see which states allow it because the laws are different by state.

I’ve never told my dates about my lack of experience, but I’m sure it comes through when I’m over sharing. That’s when I get a date. I haven’t been on one in so long.

I used to volunteer at the local animal shelter but it was super cliquey and I wasn’t invited into their social circle. Summers would be better for volunteering because I’m exhausted after work during the school year. It’s something I can look into.