Over 40, never had a boyfriend or any sexual experience

[ForPoliteRaven]

Exactly like the title says. It’s not for lack of trying. Online dating didn’t work for me despite having good photos and a professional writing my profile. I had a few first dates as a result, but they weren’t interested in another after meeting me. I’ve had friends try to set me up, but they weren’t interested. I was nice, their words, but apparently I wasn’t worth getting to know. My mother even handed out my phone number to a few guys over the years. I went out with them too, but the looks on their faces told me I wasn’t what they expected. So, less than ten first dates ever, and never a second.

I chalk it up to my appearance. I was diagnosed with a skin condition when I was little and I was relentlessly bullied throughout middle school and portions of high school. I had very few friends and really no family support to deal with it. I was just told to ignore them. That advice doesn’t work. I was always compared to my younger sister throughout childhood. All I heard was how pretty/beautiful she was. No one ever said that about me. I didn’t have dates for dances or the prom. I didn’t get invited to parties either. My self-esteem was destroyed before it could even appear.

Seeing my friends find boyfriends, getting married, and hearing about their sex lives hurts. I have nothing to say in conversations about these topics because I haven’t had these experiences. One of my friends even made fun of me for reaching the age of 38 a virgin and never having a boyfriend. I dropped her like a hot potato. A mutual friend has said she hopes I can forgive her one day, but she made me feel so small and like less of a woman.

I’ve been to counseling and it hasn’t helped. I was told to write down the qualities I like about myself and carry it with me so I can look at it when I’m feeling down. Another told me that I should try meeting people at church. When I told her I’m an atheist, she tried to convince me I wasn’t, and that I should go to church. I started seeing a new counselor, but I can’t afford my copays at the moment. I’m off for summer break, so my finances are carefully budgeted until I get my first check in August. I really liked her too.

What else can I do? I’m educated, kind, funny, and have a lot of interests and hobbies. I’ve changed my hair, my clothing, got my teeth fixed, and I take care of myself. I think I have a lot to offer a man. But they don’t seem to want me. Is there any hope for me? I’m so touch starved and am craving that kind of romantic touch I’ve never had before. Even a hug from a man would be nice.

I’ve looked into them but they’re really expensive. Hundreds of dollars expensive. I appreciate the suggestion though.

It’s impossible to save to move and find a place to live.

It looks like some areas with teacher shortages are providing financial incentives to move there. Have you looked into this?

learningpolicyinstitute.org/blog/addressing-teacher-shortages-insights-four-states

www.ecs.org/wp-content/uploads/Mitigating-Teacher-Shortages-Financial-incentives.pdf

Also mentoring other teachers as an add on to your salary (attached).

I have looked into it. But those incentives are typically paid after a certain period of employment, depending on the state. Also, if the receiving state won’t accept my license, I’d have to pay to be certified to teach. That would also include paying for any continuing education they might require for certification.

Just to say OP I'm not sure about suggestions to move away because wherever you go - there you are.

You have spoken about friends and it sounds like where you are you have a support network.

If you get some longer holidays as a teacher (like in the uk) maybe blow the cobwebs off by finding one of those opportunities where you do a bit of work in return for bed and board somewhere interesting. You have said that you would like to travel and that might be an affordable way to shake things up a bit.

Can I ask, when you go on dates are you waiting for guys to ask you on a second date or do you ask to see them again?

You don’t have to flirt as such, brief direct eye contact, smiling and relaxing can help (hell have a glass of wine before a date if you need to loosen up a bit).

I honestly don’t think it’s the psoriasis, I know a few people who are happily married with psoriasis etc.

Also I’d use more candid photos not professional ones.

I tell them I had a great time and I’d like to go out again. I get ghosted though. I make eye contact and smile. I admit I over share, and I’ve worked really hard not to do that. Confidence is another issue because I’ve been made fun of for my skin condition. Middle school was hell and my relatives would compare me to my younger sister. They thought she was pretty, but never said the same about me. They still haven’t.

@ForPoliteRaven Hello, when I got divorced I decided that I wanted to meet new people and have new friends and experiences. I joined a social group on Facebook, they organise nights out and events like hikes and games nights, dining out, axe throwing - it’s so much fun.
The aim of these types of groups is to socialise but naturally romantic relationships have been formed- is this something that might interest you?

Do you think you’re autistic? It’s very odd to never have been invited on a second date. And never had anyone ever tell you why.

I have looked into it. But those incentives are typically paid after a certain period of employment, depending on the state. Also, if the receiving state won’t accept my license, I’d have to pay to be certified to teach. That would also include paying for any continuing education they might require for certification.

You're certainly not currently in a 'can do' mindset, OP. Understandably, but that needs tackling first. Even I, googling from the UK, have seen how those barriers, particularly certification, are being tackled to enable teachers to move into areas of shortage. They are trying to make it possible and attractive.

I think you definitely need a big life shake-up, such as moving state, in order to get a fresh perspective, new opportunities to socialise and a life reset before you settle into a "it never happened for me" mindset for the rest of your life.

You asked about a cost-free way to approach your low self-esteem. I posted two excellent practical books above. There's even free shipping to the USA available here:

www.worldofbooks.com/products/overcoming-low-self-esteem-2nd-edition-book-melanie-fennell-9781472119292

What is the usual thing you do for dates?
Is it meal and drinks type thing?
If it's the same type of thing each time maybe look at an alternative - because that's obviously not working.
If you match with someone online maybe say to a potential date that you are interested in meeting somewhere casual (ie Starbucks or similar) just to meet them first and if you seem to get on then suggest a specific activity for the "official" date.
That could be anything from going bowling or crazy golf, visiting a local museum, going to a local event or even just walking around a local park.
It's easier to talk and act "natural" in a more relaxed environment than a restaurant or bar.
(also you must have a lot of confidence if you are a teacher.... believe in yourself that you do 🙂)

How about volunteering for a festival in another more liberal state, while doing pet sitting for some weeks or a month? It could be some festival related to gaming or a type of music you enjoy, anything linked to your personal interests. That way you would get the chance to socialize with people sharing your interests in a low-key manner.

I’m thinking this could be a way to get out of state, meeting more open minded people, It could be a not too faraway state where you might travel in a budget friendly way - Greyhound bus? I’m not from the US, but I know public buses are generally considered not so safe. Greyhound buses seem safer and more affordable though? Trains?

I’m speaking from experience of finally meeting someone I connected with when traveling outside my country, and another time when I was attending a festival in my home town.

I’ve been axe throwing and that is fun! I’ve been meaning to go back. I got the hang of it pretty easily.

Then make something like axe throwing the actual date.
If you match with someone suggest "shall we go to this Axe Throwing event as a date?"

I like coffee dates because they’re casual and I like coffee. But it usually ends up being dinner because the guy prefers dinner. Once, I went to a jazz concert. Not my genre, but I got excited when they played a cover of one of my favorite classic rock songs.

If the "guy prefers dinner" then throw that one back.
The first date should be something you BOTH want to do.
(Also.... jazz! You poor thing 😂)

Trains might be safer for a woman traveling alone. I’d have to save money before going of course. I’ve always wanted to go on a train. A private cabin would be preferable.

He was pissed that I was interested in the one song. I even told him that while jazz isn’t my favorite, I do like the music the artists are playing. He was so butt hurt.

I don’t think sex parties are bonkers , however 💯 wouldn’t advise a sex party to go to , to lose your virginity ! !
OP will end up feeling like shit afterwards, you’d want to be in a very good head space to enjoy a sex party ..
OP is feeling like rubbish, so no way would advise a sex party , or swingers or going on Fab or anything like that …

I’ll do that if it’s a possibility. Hopefully I remember to wear appropriate shoes so I don’t have to borrow some next time.

Not going to lie, I did consider it. For like a few minutes. But the idea of taking my clothes off for someone I don’t know doesn’t interest me.

From that I assume you live somewhere that a train journey is an unusual and big thing.
Here in the UK it's something you just jump on for a quick one hour journey and no one thinks much of it.
Where exactly do you live (vaguely if you don't want to say exactly)?

That's such a lovely story!

If you could meet guys naturally through a shared activity, that would take the pressure off you to need to impress as date material. Here in the UK, a great source of easy relaxed male company is wildlife conservation. Each county has a Wildlife Trust that welcomes many volunteers for all sorts of outdoor stuff. It doesn't have to be physically hard work such as scrub clearance - it could be doing butterfly walks or plant surveys or numerouis other things, but the people are usually really nice, and it does attract plenty of men. Same for birdwatching (very popular) or other nature interests. As you are in the US, is there something similar, perhaps based on a national park or local equivalent? I just get the impression you would be happier and more relaxed if meeting and talking initially about something else, not going straight into personal stuff, and it would allow friendships to develop more naturally, taking the pressure off. Dating apps and the like are very artificial by comparison.🌺

I don't mean to be rude but are you quite defensive in your manner? I have a friend that is absolutely lovely but on first impressions she comes across as 'sharp' and that often puts off people who meet her at one-off events.

That's my only suggestion because honestly you sound lovely and I'm sure there is someone out there for you.