Over 40, never had a boyfriend or any sexual experience

[ForPoliteRaven]

Exactly like the title says. It’s not for lack of trying. Online dating didn’t work for me despite having good photos and a professional writing my profile. I had a few first dates as a result, but they weren’t interested in another after meeting me. I’ve had friends try to set me up, but they weren’t interested. I was nice, their words, but apparently I wasn’t worth getting to know. My mother even handed out my phone number to a few guys over the years. I went out with them too, but the looks on their faces told me I wasn’t what they expected. So, less than ten first dates ever, and never a second.

I chalk it up to my appearance. I was diagnosed with a skin condition when I was little and I was relentlessly bullied throughout middle school and portions of high school. I had very few friends and really no family support to deal with it. I was just told to ignore them. That advice doesn’t work. I was always compared to my younger sister throughout childhood. All I heard was how pretty/beautiful she was. No one ever said that about me. I didn’t have dates for dances or the prom. I didn’t get invited to parties either. My self-esteem was destroyed before it could even appear.

Seeing my friends find boyfriends, getting married, and hearing about their sex lives hurts. I have nothing to say in conversations about these topics because I haven’t had these experiences. One of my friends even made fun of me for reaching the age of 38 a virgin and never having a boyfriend. I dropped her like a hot potato. A mutual friend has said she hopes I can forgive her one day, but she made me feel so small and like less of a woman.

I’ve been to counseling and it hasn’t helped. I was told to write down the qualities I like about myself and carry it with me so I can look at it when I’m feeling down. Another told me that I should try meeting people at church. When I told her I’m an atheist, she tried to convince me I wasn’t, and that I should go to church. I started seeing a new counselor, but I can’t afford my copays at the moment. I’m off for summer break, so my finances are carefully budgeted until I get my first check in August. I really liked her too.

What else can I do? I’m educated, kind, funny, and have a lot of interests and hobbies. I’ve changed my hair, my clothing, got my teeth fixed, and I take care of myself. I think I have a lot to offer a man. But they don’t seem to want me. Is there any hope for me? I’m so touch starved and am craving that kind of romantic touch I’ve never had before. Even a hug from a man would be nice.

Everything that people are suggesting you’re contradicting OP.

Do you want suggestions on this thread or are you looking for something else?

Some great points . What strikes me reading this is how your life values (atheist, liberal) don’t seem to align with your state’s values and cultural norms - I’m picturing Sweet Magnolias married at 20 kind of vibe here. What do teachers do in your state as a side hustle to be able to travel and make sure if the wonderful summer vacations? Rent their home? House exchange? Tutoring?

Look into singles nights, singles events, maybe speed dating and just go down and get chatting to people. Maybe there are events geared towards certain interests. It’s easier to see if you have a connection with someone if you meet face to face rather than back and forth messages.

Destroyed your confidence as a teen, absolutely.

what builds you now as a 40 something lady - where are your positive social connections now - it strikes me teaching high school (assuming high school) must be exquisitely torturous as you daily see teens navigate the very rigid developmental path that conservative American states adhere to. It must just remind you that you didn’t get that opportunity.

so where can you find the positive social connections now - charity, volunteerism, LARP, side job, different type of hobby.

You’re not the teenager with psoriasis anymore. You get to write your own story a little more now.

If your profile pictures are accurate (full body, etc), it's not going to be your appearance that's the problem.

I think you are going to have to work on the oversharing though.

There is an online community for it and I’ve posted there about this issue. Most of the people who responded are married and/or diagnosed later in life. Many of them were really nice but the advice they offered was the it will happen when you least expect it. Others spammed my thread with “cures.” It’s not uncommon for that community.

It's difficult because MN is a mainly UK site, so some of the roadblocks you're sharing are things that we don't experience, so a lot of advice might be irrelevant to you.

I also know people with psoriasis, some more severe than others, and none of them have struggled to date/have sex/get married. Like others have said, there must be something that's putting men off - but without us being on your dates with you, it's hard to know what that is!

I was going to suggest doing this with a date you get on with well enough. Come right out with it and ask!

That would freak some guys out. Many others would be flattered or simply intrigued. I do understand that propositioning men usually goes with good self-esteem, but you have got a good story that I believe would be met with interest.

I hate to suggest this because it isn't fair but men do like women who listen to them, ask them questions about themselves and make them feel fascinating. You can tell a good one if they ask you questions and want to know about you too. Your comments about oversharing made me think perhaps men aren't getting the vibe that you're really interested in them.

@ForPoliteRaven

Are there any opportunities for further academic study in your discipline, OP?

I was wondering whether there are any post-graduate level courses in your area which are taught in the evenings. That would be a way of meeting more people.

I’ve been thinking about getting my Master’s, but the cost is a factor. I have enough student loan debt, as I’m in the US, and I’d hate to take on more.

I also think you need to try online dating again. Not quite the same, but I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was in my thirties and it really had a huge impact on my self esteem. There was nothing wrong with me. But it really felt like there was.

With online dating you can’t take any of it personally. It’s literally a numbers game. Just go out and meet people. Expect the worst and hope for the best. Ten dates is not enough. Ghosting in OLD is unfortunately normal. It’s them. NOT YOU. I had dozens and dozens of first dates. The only person I got a second date with is now my husband. We’ve been together for a decade a now.

Definitely don't do sex parties - you need to be feeling self-confident and able to say no. Also, having sex when what you really want is a hug leaves you feeling even more alone afterwards.

I think you do need to get back to dating - it is shit for everyone, and you have had some dates from it, so that's not so vad. Pretty much everyone on OLD will have had messages unanswered, dates which led nowhere - it is unfortunately just part of dating these days.

It is true men like those who listen to them. I've had dates who think I'm wonderful because of that, whereas I'm thinking, you know bog all about me other than my name, because you didn't ask or let me get a word in edgeways... Most of them aren't going to go anywhere, but that's okay. It's partly the point of dating, to find out more about people.

Ultimately, I suspect you need to move somewhere which us less conservative and has a larger population- but you can't afford it. However, you're a teacher, so you do get some good blocks of time off. I would look at things like house-sitting in a different place, or maybe some sort of volunteering residential - decades ago, I volunteered at an open-air museum which had volunteer accommodation, and a friend did a residential week which was environmental-scrub clearance and the like. You can also do holidays which are things like learn to paint or something, but do a bit of research - I've done some yoga retreats, and the only men on those tend to be married to someone else attending, and that might be a similar pattern with other activities, I don't know.

I'm still single in my 50s, though, so what do I know...

OP I really felt your post. You are absolutely worthy of love and will find it.

I would seriously consider a dating agency. A real person specialist and coach. A matchmaker.

I would definitely have therapy specifically to build your self esteem and overcome any anxiety around socialising/meeting people. Confidence is very sexy.

I would try some new hobbies in real life. A book club? A sport. Anything that gets you out and meeting people.

I think this is a combination of work on your self esteem and confidence and increasing opportunity to meet people and building social skills.

im a psychotherapist and I work with low self esteem often. Your comment “my self esteem was destroyed before it could even appear” hit me in the gut. This is absolutely true. Our self esteem is built from day dot.

But it can absolutely be improved. I really think if you improve your self esteem, confidence and social skills and get out there more the rest will absolutely fall into place.

You said your skin condition has vastly improved so it's probably not that, and you have got dates but they just haven't wanted to see you again? Seems so weird, surely the majority of men would at least try their luck on a date?
Do you do all of the talking or do you ask questions about them? What about hygiene, do you spruce yourself up a bit when meeting people?

OP huge (virtual) hugs. Really felt for you reading your story especially as when I was young felt and experienced exactly the same. Thought 💭 this end no one would want me and had zero self esteem. I am sure you have lots to offer. Just haven’t met the right person and maybe trying too hard. Understandable. Next date be cheery, don’t over share and put the focus on them. People love to talk about themselves so if they say x ask them follow up Qs. Keep the date really short. Coffee. Be positive when it ends but breezy - have to go I’m meeting friends but been lovely meeting you etc. Leave them wanting more. Treat yourself to a makeover and new clothes to help you feel great. +Making yourself happy so a partner a bonus a must as too is learning how to please yourself that way so you can teach him in due course. This site has a terrible name (apologies) but did have a friend who got a match with similar site and he was in his 40s and they been happy for 20 years now. Love in later life is absolutely possible and just make sure you don’t overly focus on one until you have a deeper connection. You got this and can’t wait for the day you post on this thread to give us all some happy news 🗞️ update. https://www.undateables.co.uk

Completely agree. The sex party is a terrible idea.

ETA as finger slipped - posted before I meant to :

OP, I don’t know how to help because the brutal truth is most men - especially on OLD are far more superficial than they’d like to admit. Far more women overlook physical “flaws” if there’s someone really good inside. Men on the whole don’t.

I’m assuming you still have your skin condition?

I get it - it's not quite the same, but my golden child younger brother was the school heartthrob, effortlessly sporty and very popular, in spite of being a total bastard to unpopular unsporty swots like me! I was bullied at school too, although it stopped when I went to a different 6th form and I was able to build up a bit of self confidence, or at least be free of negative attention for a couple of years. Not a good start in life really, and I went to university with social phobia and a total inability to network - so I see how bad experiences as a child and teen can create a vicious circle of underconfidence that's really hard to break out of, although I think I kind of aged out of it gradually.

Said golden child brother is even more popular with the ladies now that he has a cute little dog to walk in London parks - not that he needs female admirers now that he's married (to an older but beautiful and kind rich lady, naturally). Getting a dog and walking it is probably really good advice, and seems to be a proven strategy for meeting new people, regardless of one's appearance or dating track record. Could you afford a small dog, would it be practical with your lifestyle?

I love a pp's idea of joining a music group. I was on an online forum for a slightly niche kind of music (not jazz but a similarly minority interest) and I actually met and dated IRL a guy that I started chatting to on there. He was then in his early 50s with one LTR behind him, but he was painfully shy around women and had previously been a 40 year old virgin. It had been around the time that the film of that name came out, and he said that he used to cringe inwardly any time somebody mentioned it! We didn't stay together, but he was a much higher quality man than anyone I'd dated previously, and a pretty good advert for meeting someone through a niche interest. He'd never done online dating, and everyone I'd met on OLD had been arrogant or uninterested, or both. Most of them had just wanted to find a rich partner, having lost their shirts in the divorce!

It's too bad when you can't afford to go on holiday in the summer. I feel your pain there too. If you don't want to join the history society, could you spend the summer vacation working in a history museum? That's what I did when I was an English teacher, and I might well do it again. It might not be the best place to meet eligible bachelors, but you never know - and the extra cash would pay for a trip somewhere else. (Off topic, but did you ever see a really gorgeous 50s film where Katherine Hepburn plays an older American virgin, and she goes to Venice and has a whirlwind holiday romance with Rossano Brazzi? I can't remember the title, but it's on Youtube.)

Maybe if and when you join a hobby group, you shouldn't automatically discount men who are much older or younger than you, unless you're really not into that of course. Guys in their 60s really fancy women in their 40s, while guys in their early 20s are ridiculously horny and often have a similar need to lose their virginity ASAP! (I couldn't date that much younger because I have a 24 year old DS, but YMMV.)

Other ideas - does your alma mater have meetups for alumni? They tend to be in major cities, but if you're looking to meet people different from the ones in your current town, this might be an idea. They might be on the old and married side, in which case you could still use them for professional networking.

Could you teach in another state where salaries are higher, or COL lower? I'm not in the US, so no idea how feasible that is. But it might allow you to relocate somewhere where the population is less conservative, or else earn more/spend less. I'm sure you've already thought about this stuff but I'm just throwing it out there - I had much more luck with men when I moved from a stuffy dormitory town near London to a village in rustbelt France. Sometimes it really is the location that's the problem, and any single woman in your town would have the same dating issues you've had.

The only other thing I can think of is that, as other pps have said, your keenness to meet someone fast means that you're giving off the wrong vibes, too intense or whatever. I used to be good looking (I'm old now) and I know that when I was younger and tried to force the issue by pursuing men, they generally ran away from me as if I were Quasimodo - straight into the arms of more aloof, uninterested women! Such is life.

Ah I don’t me why I didn’t see your updates before I posted. Ok I now understand it’s psoriasis but it’s being treated and not that noticeable now.

If you’re getting first dates it’s likely they don’t think you’re horrendous looking. Ten first dates isn’t a huge amount, but I appreciate it can take it’s toll on you if you’ve had to try super hard for those ten dates!

I did have to work for it certainly. I tried online dating because I’ve never been successful with meeting men through friends or out in the wild. I’m giving it one more try and if it doesn’t work this time, I guess that’s the universe’s way of saying it will never happen.

My alma mater does have some events, but they’re usually during my working hours. Getting a sub here can be hard. We make crap pay, so my salary goes to living expenses. It’s impossible to save to move and find a place to live. I’ve tried looking for a second job in general, but I haven’t been able to get an interview. There are a few museum/research places nearby, but they’re full up and aren’t looking. It’s a shame, I’d love to look at turtles all day.

I’m really sorry you’ve had such bad experiences, such rubbish advice from a counsellor and such shabby treatment from a so-called friend. I have a theory (based on a history of being told I was not attractive to men and as a result somehow screening off my awareness of most men). I suspect I just stopped giving off ‘I’m interested’ vibes; could this be what’s happening with you in spite of wanting to attract a partner? I think people do read beyond words in our interactions and if they don’t feel they are seeing interest, they step back. I’m not suggesting you flirt in ways that might feel awkward or uncomfortable to you but, if you could manage to do so, some work with a good therapist may be useful to explore how you see yourself in relationship with others.

Hi OP
i can actively relate to you because the same situation applied to me. I was 40 and had never had any kind of partner. I felt that it was this huge secret problem that people could almost see like a cloud around me. I felt like a freak, quite honestly. I had been badly bullied at school, too, and I’m an introvert and it was all very difficult to move on from. I couldn’t confide in any one because I was so sensitive about it all.
The older I got, the more impossible it felt to break through this barrier with anyone, because I wanted to trust someone first but it felt impossible to trust anyone casual, and apparently anyway I was giving off ‘not interested’ vibes because I was so uptight about it, and men lost interest, so round I went in circles. My mother started to think I was gay. But I was not gay and several times had horrible unrequited feelings for male friends. So I get it.

But, you know, I did get out of it. First of all, I took a break from work and travelled. That grew my confidence. Then I went to my GP and got medication for anxiety and then I just tried really hard to be positive and relaxed and go with the flow, and things worked out. I managed to confide in a male friend and from there on, I was ok.

But what I think is that you need to be brave. You keep saying you don’t have any money, your town and state are wrong for you etc. Why don’t you go somewhere else? You have exhausted the options where you are, why not reinvent yourself somewhere better?

Have you tried a professional dating agency?

I wish I could move. But it’s not financially feasible. Everything here is so expensive and salaries are so low for my profession. I can’t even afford a new apartment much less to move states.