Over 40, never had a boyfriend or any sexual experience

[ForPoliteRaven]

Exactly like the title says. It’s not for lack of trying. Online dating didn’t work for me despite having good photos and a professional writing my profile. I had a few first dates as a result, but they weren’t interested in another after meeting me. I’ve had friends try to set me up, but they weren’t interested. I was nice, their words, but apparently I wasn’t worth getting to know. My mother even handed out my phone number to a few guys over the years. I went out with them too, but the looks on their faces told me I wasn’t what they expected. So, less than ten first dates ever, and never a second.

I chalk it up to my appearance. I was diagnosed with a skin condition when I was little and I was relentlessly bullied throughout middle school and portions of high school. I had very few friends and really no family support to deal with it. I was just told to ignore them. That advice doesn’t work. I was always compared to my younger sister throughout childhood. All I heard was how pretty/beautiful she was. No one ever said that about me. I didn’t have dates for dances or the prom. I didn’t get invited to parties either. My self-esteem was destroyed before it could even appear.

Seeing my friends find boyfriends, getting married, and hearing about their sex lives hurts. I have nothing to say in conversations about these topics because I haven’t had these experiences. One of my friends even made fun of me for reaching the age of 38 a virgin and never having a boyfriend. I dropped her like a hot potato. A mutual friend has said she hopes I can forgive her one day, but she made me feel so small and like less of a woman.

I’ve been to counseling and it hasn’t helped. I was told to write down the qualities I like about myself and carry it with me so I can look at it when I’m feeling down. Another told me that I should try meeting people at church. When I told her I’m an atheist, she tried to convince me I wasn’t, and that I should go to church. I started seeing a new counselor, but I can’t afford my copays at the moment. I’m off for summer break, so my finances are carefully budgeted until I get my first check in August. I really liked her too.

What else can I do? I’m educated, kind, funny, and have a lot of interests and hobbies. I’ve changed my hair, my clothing, got my teeth fixed, and I take care of myself. I think I have a lot to offer a man. But they don’t seem to want me. Is there any hope for me? I’m so touch starved and am craving that kind of romantic touch I’ve never had before. Even a hug from a man would be nice.

We have plenty of nature parks all over the state. They’re mostly a tour on your own situation, but many of them are nice. I’m not much of an outdoorsy person, but there’s usually plaques and historical stuff to read so that’s a selling point for me. I haven’t had much luck meeting people in public. I’ve made friends mostly through work.

I live in the southern US. So traveling to another state alone, and not visiting family, is a big deal in my family. We don’t have many high speed rails in my country and the ones we do have don’t go across the country. Our infrastructure is so far behind lol.

I’ve used mostly candid and when those didn’t work, I had the more polished ones taken. No dice.

I don’t think I am. I’ve always thought my appearance and over sharing, due to long periods of no contact with other people, were the culprits.

I don’t think the sex parties think was bonkers. I kinda think it’s more sensible and feasible than “do a salsa class!”

OP, I would advise against the whole “sign up for classes and groups” because you have hobbies that already make you happy and going to these new events will just have you deflated if nobody chats you up (I’m projecting).

I’d go on the apps but, honestly, treat it like a full time job. So every morning and night you go in and check your messages, reply, do more swiping etc. it really just is a numbers game.

When you say "over sharing" what do you mean?

I’m friendly and respectful towards those I’ve gone out with. I treat them the way I want to be treated.

Had this already been said , Are you in the USA OP ? As In I know it has been asked , is the answer yes I mean ?
Have you not found any of the dating sites a success ?

Yes, I’m in the US. I’ve tried dating apps off and on for years without success. Which led me to looking into parties to find someone to have sex with. But again, not going to do it lol.

Talking way too much about anything and everything.

Hey OP,

I’ve read all your posts and here are my suggestions:

1. Reddit. Some parts have a terrible reputation but there are some gems. Download the app and search for your state or your nearest city. There’s also a dating over 40 group and tinder / bumble groups. In any of these, you could post screenshots of your profile (with or without photos) and ask for feedback.
2. I’m not sure if you want or need advice about treating psoriasis, but it clearly has a huge impact on your self-esteem, so I mention it in case. The skincare groups on Reddit are lovely. If you post asking for advice on psoriasis, you’ll get loads of helpful ideas. I’ve asked v specific questions about skincare for my conditions, and have had literally hundreds of responses recommending products I’d never heard of.
3. Would you consider teaching abroad? I haven’t done any kind of detailed research, but for example, I have friends from the U.K. who now teach at international schools in Italy - one friend teaches at a school who paid her air fare out there. There are also American schools in Europe and in the U.K. - try googling and looking for vacancies. Changing your environment may mean you can live in a place with more opportunities to meet like-minded people than your current state offers.

While reading through you posts I sort of worked out that you may have psoriasis. I think the arthritis confirmed it. I'm no expert but I was affected by psoriasis when I was younger and none of the creams helped. When I was in my mid thirties I went to the hospital for a short course of UV treatment. 25 years later I am still free of the psoriasis. Have you had UV treatment? If not could you look into it? It transformed my confidence.

This might be an intrusive or unhelpful post, so don’t feel you need to reply.

Would you say you’re happy with your life, outside of the lack of a relationship? You sound unhappy.

Someone gave me this piece of advice when I was about 40, and it helped me: if you had a crystal ball and you could see that you would never marry or have children, what kind of life would you want to live? What changes would you make to how you live now?

I wasn’t in your situation, but I was single and lonely. That advice made me take a long look at my life and I changed things dramatically as a result.

Good luck.

I’ve been on Reddit for a few years and I did show my profile and provided photos when asked. The comment section was horrible. I was made fun of and told I was ugly. I deleted my account and created a new one. I will never do that again. My psoriasis isn’t that bad, just a spot here and there. I’ve had it for 40 years and I’m familiar with the treatments. I haven’t thought about teaching abroad. Visiting other countries yes, but not teaching. I have my cats and I’d hate to leave them. My parents won’t take them even on a temporary basis.

UV treatments would be expensive under my health insurance and my case isn’t severe enough for it to be an option.

start having golf lessons. You will meet women and become friends and socialise in the club and there are lots of single men in your age bracket.

I wonder if you're autistic. It's a complete wild guess as it's not possible really to tell from what you've written here - the only clues are the lack of dating success, childhood bullying (I know the other reason is your skin condition but still) and "over sharing" as you put it. So I'm not saying you are, or seem to be, particularly. It's just that as a woman, if you were autistic it could be very easily missed by yourself and others. Because you seem to want to try anything reasonable, I think it could be worth the experiment of trying to reach out and meet autistic men, specifically*.

Potentially, if you are, then your behaviour/mannerisms/subtle social cues could be putting off neurotypicals, but might make no difference or actually be appealing to autistics. To be honest, even if you weren't autistic, an autistic man could be the answer. He might not be put off by whatever it is that is putting off other men, he might not care or notice if you over share or make other social faux pas, and he might also share your experiences of social rejection, low self esteem (and possibly a lack of sexual experience). Of course an attraction would still have to be there for you as well, it could be a dead end. But I'm just throwing it out there. I mean this quite seriously and not in an insulting way to anyone autistic.

*How to do this is another question. The autistic man I know would not touch dating sites with a barge pole. You'd be more likely to find him online in a forum catering to special interests.

Op do you have learning difficulties?

Not sure if this will help OP, but I'm a chap, also a teacher - I too had no luck with dating until the grand old age of 44, I stopped looking, and I then had a three month fling with a colleague - all over now, still friends, all good - and in that time we had sex, I lost my virginity - it was great, that's to say it was OK, that's to say if that's my lot for life so be it, that's to say it didn't do much for me, that's to say being a nerdy bachelor is just fine.

The whole, quite pleasant experience has made me value friends more and removed any urges to couple up again - I can die saying I've been there, done that.

The grass isn't always greener, be happy with you!! Good luck!

I have a good job and a good circle of friends. But I’m unhappy because I’ve never been in a relationship. I don’t want children, but if I knew I would never have a partner in my life I’d be devastated. Going for as long as I have without any form of romantic affection, even a hug, is painful.

No learning difficulties.

Or just date this guy 😉

As someone who’s been to numerous sex parties/clubs etc - don’t fall for the lies. They are not safe environments. They are seedy and dangerous and I had multiple traumatic experiences and that was with a partner let alone going by yourself. Don’t do it.

The only other thing I can think of is looking for some kind of dating service specifically for virgins over 35 or 40 that somehow successfully denies access to non-virgins (ie predatory men who fetishise virginity) and which you can filter for religion/atheism. Because at least it you were meeting a guy in the same situation you would feel less self conscious, and you've have a common ground to start with. However, I've no idea if any such thing does or even can exist.

🥶