Exactly like the title says. It’s not for lack of trying. Online dating didn’t work for me despite having good photos and a professional writing my profile. I had a few first dates as a result, but they weren’t interested in another after meeting me. I’ve had friends try to set me up, but they weren’t interested. I was nice, their words, but apparently I wasn’t worth getting to know. My mother even handed out my phone number to a few guys over the years. I went out with them too, but the looks on their faces told me I wasn’t what they expected. So, less than ten first dates ever, and never a second.
I chalk it up to my appearance. I was diagnosed with a skin condition when I was little and I was relentlessly bullied throughout middle school and portions of high school. I had very few friends and really no family support to deal with it. I was just told to ignore them. That advice doesn’t work. I was always compared to my younger sister throughout childhood. All I heard was how pretty/beautiful she was. No one ever said that about me. I didn’t have dates for dances or the prom. I didn’t get invited to parties either. My self-esteem was destroyed before it could even appear.
Seeing my friends find boyfriends, getting married, and hearing about their sex lives hurts. I have nothing to say in conversations about these topics because I haven’t had these experiences. One of my friends even made fun of me for reaching the age of 38 a virgin and never having a boyfriend. I dropped her like a hot potato. A mutual friend has said she hopes I can forgive her one day, but she made me feel so small and like less of a woman.
I’ve been to counseling and it hasn’t helped. I was told to write down the qualities I like about myself and carry it with me so I can look at it when I’m feeling down. Another told me that I should try meeting people at church. When I told her I’m an atheist, she tried to convince me I wasn’t, and that I should go to church. I started seeing a new counselor, but I can’t afford my copays at the moment. I’m off for summer break, so my finances are carefully budgeted until I get my first check in August. I really liked her too.
What else can I do? I’m educated, kind, funny, and have a lot of interests and hobbies. I’ve changed my hair, my clothing, got my teeth fixed, and I take care of myself. I think I have a lot to offer a man. But they don’t seem to want me. Is there any hope for me? I’m so touch starved and am craving that kind of romantic touch I’ve never had before. Even a hug from a man would be nice.