DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

I think he’s old enough to go and stay with his boyfriend

I would pick my child over a man.

I would tell OH to fuck off and leave if he doesn’t like it.

I mean, I would leave my DH if he treated my child like this.

This

He’s not being stubborn. He’s being homophobic. I couldn’t be with a man like that.

I would tell DH to leave, I wouldn't be married to a homophobe and I would always choose my son who had done absolutely nothing wrong.

So school and all exams are done? Honestly would it be a bad thing for your son to get a little distance for a couple of weeks? Not necessarily as a permanent thing, but just to diffuse the tension while your husband gets a bit of time to wrap his head around it? This clearly isn’t going away, and your son (quite rightly) clearly isn’t interested in pretending to be straight. So your husband is just going to have to get used to it. Hopefully that means that after a couple of weeks to calm down, he’ll be able to accept it and continue with his relationship with his son, but even if he can’t manage that, your son is still going to be gay and you and your daughter and still going to carry on your relationships with him.

Exactly this

This is going to be a shock for your DH, especially if he genuinely had no idea. If your heritage culture is more conservative too, this will obviously also play a part.

You've been loving and supportive of your son's sexuality, so that's a good start. Your DH will hopefully come round eventually and accept your son for what and who he is. It's just not going to be an overnight process , particularly if the cultural shame plays a part.

Give him time and space and keep being your son's advocate. It may be best if your son stays with his boyfriend for now: give him and his dad the space they probably need to get their heads around things. I hope your DH eventually lets go of what his sons future looked like in his 'ideals' and learn to accept it may look different.

I would leave my husband if they treated my son like that. But I’d bet money you won’t.

What does 'old school' mean? A bigot? You have a choice here, you can stand by your son or continue to tip toe around your homophobic husband.

He's not stubborn. He's a homophobe.

🙄. Stop being so simplistic.

‘I don’t know how to fix this’

You can’t. Your husband appears to be a homophobic cunt, presumably you already knew this as you all kept this from him.

I understand it’s easier said than done, but if it were me DH would be out of the house - not DS.

My son came out to us at 16 although we had known inside for quite a while. I cannot imagine being angry or ashamed with him for this. I equally would fall out of love with my partner in an instant if he displayed such backward, homophobic views.

I think you have to stand up for your son and remind your DH that gay rights have progressed in India since you left and are fully protected in the UK so whatever his biases are your son has done nothing wrong and does not deserve to be shouted at. Hopefully he'll calm down once he gets to know his boyfriend (my religious PILs struggled when SIL came out to them as an adult in her 30s but 20 years later they love her partner).

It must have been a big shock to you husband.

I would try to really listen to his concerns without offering any of your opinion. It could be all sorts of issues going through his head. For example, what will my family say? Who will carry on the family name? I am not going to get grandchildren from my son's side, am I?

Once you have an idea what exactly is bothering him you will be in a better position to decide on the next steps.

For now, I would just stay calm, say little and listen. It's a very tricky situation and a great balancing act you need to pull off.

I hope it helps

Wait until your DH has calmed down and then try to discuss it with him.

I'd focus on two things - that DS is the exact same person he always was, that DH doesn't need to reassess him in light of this, and, crucially, that this is not something people grow out of. It is and always will be who he is, so the choice is to accept him and maintain a close, loving family, or reject him for something he cannot change, and risk fracturing the family.

DS is gay. We fully accept this but haven't told his grandfather because he is in his 90s and from a generation that can't understand. If your DH is worried about family back in India, just don't tell them. DS's boyfriend is from another culture and his mother absolutely won't accept that he is gay. This causes him such unhappiness and is a strain on their relationship as he has to hide the fact that DS is his boyfriend. No one wins if people allow their bigotry to take precedence over their love for their child.

It is one of those things that is actually worth “starting world war three” over, if necessary. But I would start by trying to be calm and sitting down with my husband and just talking over the whole thing. Why is he so upset? Part of it might have just been shock - you’ve had 6 years to get used to this and he was taken by surprise. Maybe he’s worried about what his family members might say? Ideally you’d get to the bottom of it and make a plan for how you will handle anything like that as a team.

But if he is truly homophobic etc he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you love and accept your son as he is, and that you expect him to do the same. If he doesn’t like it he needs to lump it because your son isn’t changing and your whole future relationship is at stake - and probably that with your daughter too as she loves and supports her bro. Show him that loving support is the only acceptable way forward.

If this were me, I’d talk to my husband, give him time to reflect and if he didn’t genuinely change his mind/feelings, I would choose my son over him

My dh and members of my family kicked off about my child's sexuality.

I no longer have a dh, or members of my family, what I do have is a very happy and confident child who knows I'm there 100% and we have an amazing relationship.

I worked in sexual health and heard the saddest stories from people scared to come out and some where relationships between parents and children were broken.
I have 3 sons and told them never to be ashamed to be able to tell us if they questioned their sexuality.
i also discussed with my husband who said he would struggle but would never disown our sons. He would accept it rather than lose them.
My elderly open minded parents would have had no issues. Sometimes talking about it before is easier.
maybe if your husband gives it more thought and knows he will lose him and tear your family apart he’ll have a change of heart.
I hope so for everyone. Good luck🤞

I think the responses you’re getting are quite harsh - it must have been a shock for DH if he didn’t have any suspicions, and presumably there are some cultural issues at play. I say this as a bisexual woman who came out at 14, my dad didn’t take it very well and I can only imagine the fall out if he’d seen me cuddled up with my GF before I’d come out.

I think everyone is reeling right now and the priority should be to calm things down. You need to talk to DH and get him to understand this isn’t the nightmare he thinks it is, and DS needs some time to deal with his reaction.

If it were me I’d focus on everyone not reacting in shock and then have a proper chat. Good luck.

Op please be careful posting on here. In Mumsnet world there are a lot of virtue signallers who would all pack their bags and tell their DH to "fuck off".

Its common for a parent to "mourn" the loss of what they thought their child's future looked like. Man with woman , kids, tradition. That doesn't make them a homophobe.

It may take time to "mourn" this loss, humans can and do display "knee jerk" reactions when upset. Your son may even come to understand this. We can't Molly cuddle gay people and expect that all parents are going to be waving the rainbow flag and gushing with pride instantly. That's not fair to give that expectation and then encourage "fuck offs" and "no contacts" when it doesn't go exactly like that.

Sometimes there can be an initial "grieving process" and worries, concerns, suprise, shock as they come to understand that their son or daughters future is not going to be "traditional". I do think that's normal to an extent. Both parties have a right to their feelings. Time and conversations will often heal as everyone accepts the new "norm" for them and their beloved child.