DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

Give your DH time. But definitely don’t let him off the hook.
Explain to DS
Hopefully you’ll never have to choose…..I’d choose my children everyday

He’s homophobic and needs educating. Can you find someone he respects who can help do that?

Seems as if it shouldn’t be needed these days really but there are support groups. For example https://www.nazandmattfoundation.org/rainbowchai/

There may be literature you can scatter about specifically for South Asian heritage parents.

or FLAGG

From your dh’s side, you’ve all had time to process and get used to it. This sounds line it’s blindsided him. I’d be telling ds to start with bf for a week to let df process, then I’d give dh 24 hours then we’d sit and talk. If he couldn’t be supportive of ds, I would end the marriage.

my eldest dd is gay and I am happy she’s in a loving relationship with someone who cares about her and accepts her how she is. So many relationships are toxic, I just want my dc to be happy and loved.

Yep, this. Choose and support your son.

Ps one of my best friends is gay and married to a woman. They moved to Canada. Most of the reason for this is her wife is Chinese (uk born, but parents aren't ) her parents have no idea and she will never come out to them. She has a friendly relationship with her parents, she'll just never be able to tell them her "real life ". Her wife to them is her "flat mate". It's cultural and her and her wife are actually both rather adult about it and accept thats the situation. I admired their resilience and respect for the wife's parents differences. No "fuck offs" "no contacts" there.

Arrange therapy for your DH, and make him go.

My ex h doesn't know our son is gay and he'll never tell him. Even though he has a gay brother he's a homophobic twat and would make it all about him.

this is your line in the sand. Choose your child now and support him otherwise be prepared to lose him forever.

Calling a man you don't know, that Is the husband of the poster, a "cunt" is low and crass

Please don’t forget to support your son in all this. A lovely friend of mine took his life after coming out to his family and them not accepting it/him due to culture.

Your DH isn’t ‘old school’ or ‘stubborn’ Hes just homophobic. If he can’t change or educate himself for the sake of his son then your son shouldn’t have to tolerate that behaviour and should distance himself.

Thank you for being a wonderful mother. Wonderful.

Some men find it very hard to accept simply because they think that somehow it refelcts on their own manliness. Of course it isnt and men secure in themselves get that. But couple that with what I suspect may be a cultural issue because you say you are both originally from India and you have a bit of a perfect storm.

I think I would start by asking your husband what he is hoping to achieve. Ask him if he thinks that shouting and sulking will "un gay" your son. Does he want to lose his son permanently (which he may very well do if he carries on) or would he rather have a happy son, in a happy relationship, as part of his life.

He was shocked and that can make people act irrationally but its what he does now that is crucial. If he reaches out, apologises for blowing up and says that he loves and supports your son then it would really help. Ignoring him and the fact that he is gay will make things ten times worse.

Also I would tell him that he should always knock before going into a teenagers bedroom, they deserve privacy too.

I would guess your DH suspected your son's partner was more than a friend and that was why he walked into the bedroom unannounced (I'm assuming he did). I would suggest counselling for him - it must have been a shock - and see if that goes anywhere.

However ultimately, I wouldn't stay with a homophobe particularly not one who's the father of my child.

I hope you can work something out, OP.

I agree with this but also if time doesn’t fix things, then eventually I would too choose my child over DH.

I absolutely agree with those saying they’d leave their DH. And it may still come to that need.

However give him time. There are cultural differences at play here as well as the fact you’ve known for 8 years and properly for a little shorter that ds is gay.

DH walked into his sons room and found him cuddled up in bed with someone which will be a shock for any partner who thought it was a friend but double whammy discovered it’s a male and his son is gay.

There’s no question he’s handled it badly. I’d give him an ultimatum that he needs to get his head around this in the next X number of days and accept da for who he is - at least in his actions and words even if he can’t actually accept it or DS moves back and you are all leaving him.

Same.

Allow him time OP. Hopefully he will come round to accepting who he is.

You have a gay son and a homophobic Husband and you’ve known for at least eight years. The problem you are facing now is that you have never really accepted that your H is homophobic and that’s perfectly illustrated by the language you use to describe your H’s hostility. Never finding the right time to tell your H is a cop out, you didn’t tell him because you knew exactly how he would react.

There’s no way of fixing kicking this can down the street for another eight years this, I think your fence sitting days are over.

Leave husband to calm down. My dad acted a similar way when my sister came out and now he’s fine. It’s a shock and not everyone reacts the same way. Not making excuses for your husband but if he’s not generally homophobic elsewhere I would put this down to shock. I would expect him to apologise to your son when he’d calmed down though.

I don't think it is 'molly coddling' gay teenagers to hope and expect that their parents will still love and support them when they find out that their child is gay. Surely that should be the norm rather than the exception?

There’ll be a load of knee jerk bashing your DH here, but honestly I think his reaction - whilst not ideal - is not particularly surprising, given the way this all unfolded.

You all know he’s traditional, uptight, whatever, so you’ve all shared and celebrated your son’s coming out and left him entirely in the dark, avoiding the inevitable difficult conversation that’s almost certainly going to ensue. But a difficult conversation, however uncomfortable and emotional, would have at least given him the opportunity to process this really significant news and reacted more proportionately.

Just walking in and finding your son in bed with his boyfriend will have thrown a bomb of shock and disorientation into the mix. It’s kind of a disrespectful way to disclose the ‘family secret’ to him. You know he’s likely going to react to the news in a homophobic manner to start with, so why ambush him rather than actually have a conversation about it? You could have supported your son to do this in a much more constructive way, but this ‘surprise’ disclosure has predictably ramped things up into a much more adversarial situation.

The fact his views are hurtful and wrong doesn’t let the rest of you off the hook for choosing to deal with the situation in such an underhand way, knowing the likely outcome. As it is, it’s understandable your son wants to go to his boyfriend’s. I hope between you you’re able to find a way build bridges.

Your husband needs to change his attitude and apologise to his son. If he can’t accept this, you should leave him. A good parent loves and accepts their child no matter what their sexuality.

Thinking specifically about your son asking to stay with his boyfriend for " a few weeks". I would definitely want to put a time frame on that because otherwise there is a risk that he stays there permanently if you husband continues to be hostile.

I think that I would say yes for a week or ten days, but make a plan to pick him up on the last day, take them both for lunch (so that DS can see that you're supportive) and then drive DS home. If the visit has an end date it feels much less like a banishment and more like creating some space which is probably quite healthy.

I think your son should come home and talk to his dad. Hiding away with his boyfriend will just make a difficult situation worse.

OP, you've had years to get your head around this. Your DH has found out by walking in on them which, rightly or wrongly has been a massive shock to him.

Let him calm down. Make him talk about how he's feeling and why. Tell him how you feel about it all. Unfortunately I think it is probably better for your son to put a bit of distance between him and your DH.

Ultimately though, if your DH refuses to accept who your son truly is then you need to seriously think about your future with him.

To an extent I think you need to be led by your DS’s wishes. I would personally make it super clear that I was supportive of his sexuality and loved him and acknowledge in words the fact that your DH has not been supportive so he can speak about his feelings about the reaction. If after that chat he feels like the right thing to do is go and stay at his boyfriends I would support that as a temporary measure - making it clear that you are not picking DH over DS but that you agree with the temporary measure as you hope it will give your DH time to process and have a better response to the news. Then work with your DH to acknowledge he has big feelings about this and struggles with your DS’s sexuality BUT that he is still your DS and this is something you are supportive of and would expect him as a loving father to also become supportive of once he has had time to sort out his feelings. If he doesn’t and tries to make your DS’s temporary absence a permanent one I’d leave him.