DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

I was on that thread.

There were far more posters than just us who thought she behaved disgusting towards the OP with a FWB.

Exactly! Justifiably so as well!

@Flashahah @SwimSwamSwimSwam your posts have nothing to do with this thread. Reported for ongoing personal attack and derailment of thread. I will not be responding to you further.

Hi all - we're asking that the derailment of this thread stops now, please. It's unhelpful to the OP and is driving posters away. If you're unable to post constructively, it's probably best that you leave the thread. Thank you.

It sounds like DH wants to interview DS’s boyfriend after behaving abhorrently towards both DS and his boyfriend. I’d let DS stay away for a while (not that you can stop him) and let his father realise that he could lose his son if he carries on like this.

I don’t believe in labels like “homophobe”. This may be the PC term but many people don’t accept homosexuality for various reasons. It doesn’t make them bad people anymore than people who don’t believe you should get tattoos or piercings.

To demonize your husband over having a defected opinion is irrational. Your husband has presumably been a decent father to your children?

I would let my son go live his life. Eventually husband will get over the shock.

Hi OP I hope things have calmed down

As a first generation British Sikh I can see why both sides have reacted this way - for your DH this is something that IS NOT by any means normal due to his upbringing so it will take time for him to come round. I know my parents would have reacted the same around 20 years ago but only for the shortest period of time because both are now in their 60s/70s and have seen more life in the UK than India so seeing other Asian/Punjabi/Sikh youths coming out as gay is actually not a big deal any more. For your son, it’s the MOST normal thing in the world and not a big deal but poor guy must have felt some fear knowing his dad is so ‘old school’ about it.

Its easy for people to point fingers but they haven’t lived the lives you have back in India so they don’t understand how alien this concept is; it’s a huge change of perspective and it doesn’t take seconds to change, it can take years but the good thing is that you live in a country now where this is normal so his perspective will eventually change, he will see that no, it doesn’t bring shame because everyone around him isn’t bothered that his son is gay. Because it’s just normal. Nothing major. Who cares? Coming out is barely a thing any more, you kinda just are who you are now (I am from the Midlands where this is absolutely the norm)

Just support your son as you have, he is happy and you sound like a lovely mum so just keep doing what you’re doing.

There will come a time and place when your husband will come to terms with this, it could be today, it could be in a few years, but he will accept it. Wish you all the best

I don’t believe in labels like “homophobe”. This may be the PC term but many people don’t accept homosexuality for various reasons. It doesn’t make them bad people anymore than people who don’t believe you should get tattoos or piercings.

Of course it does.

You think not liking tattoos is the same as wholeheartedly believing that gay people should never be able to experience being in a loving relationship? They aren’t even on the same level.

In the ideal worlds of the people of those example, one group would miss out on inking their skin. The other group would miss out on experiencing love from a partner. Ridiculous to compare.

Im so sorry, but its 2025 not the middle ages. People are LGBTQ etc and always have been, its only now they can be free to express it more and live how they choose without shame. Your husband is his father and either has to accept who your son is and that he is naturally this way and so what - or just adjust his behaviour while still not being 100% comfortable with it out of respect. Your son's mental and physical wellbeing is what matters not old fashioned opinions about the human race and the little boxes they should fit in. Just continue to be a loving supportive mum until your husband catches up. Good luck.

Your poor son. That must have been terrible for him.
My DD is gay and the thought that either me or her dad would be anything but completely supportive of her makes me feel awful. You should definitely support your son in this situation. It must have been very upsetting for you to see this happen though.
I can’t believe that this reaction still happens in this day and age.