DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

She can think that I am ill informed but she cannot stop me expressing an opinion on the matter, which is what I believe she was trying to do. As the user herself said, it's a forum, somewhere people give opinions. The OP asked for advice and our thoughts and that's exactly what she is getting.

Well done for getting him to talk OP. This is really hard for you. It is good that he was open to talking, if a bit begrudging. And as a pp has said, he wasn't in denial about it. He is now saying he would like to find out more about the boyfriend.

Well on that, I think you all need to tread carefully. Your DH wants to feel he still has some control but the reality is he needs to let go of trying to shape his son's life - easier said that done for someone with such strong views. My advice for what it's worth would be to take it set by step.

Step 1 - support your son and his bf to have some space and let the land lie / dust settle.
Step 2 - when the time feels right arrange to go out for a meal with your son, his bf, your Dh and your DD (who sounds helpful) - somewhere neutral - not at your home. Otherwise it will feel like a summons to your son and his poor bf.

Your DH then gets to feel like he is finding out more about the man but it is done in a respectful way on neutral turf where everyone is on their best behaviour.

Would this work? At the same time I would also be supporting your son to make sure he's okay (which I am sure you are) and also ensure his life / study plans are still on track and not swayed or delayed by this new relationships, so that he still has his own clear path and direction in terms of academics / work etc.

Ultimately your son has done nothing wrong and your husband is homophobic, but I do think for longer term peace it is better to try and gently handle the DH in this way as I am sure that he will see sense once he sees how happy they are, and assuming he loves his son (which I am sure he does) and assuming the young man is decent (which it sounds like he is).

How has she tried to stop you?

Said this is a forum not the high court and dismissed my comments as "ill informed".

There's a difference between saying "I disagree" and dismissing someone else's opinions.

Whenever has a gentle approach tackled bigotry?

Sexism, racism, ableism wasn't tackled gently. In order to get the Disability Discrimination Act passed, protesters physically chained themselves to London buses on Tower Bridge and called for accessible vehicles to be provided.

I think it's very sad that the OP doesn't feel able to share her opinions with her husband for fear over his reactions. It sounds like a very controlling situation to me.

Well, your comments WERE ill-informed. Unfortunately that doesn’t stop you making them.

@BigFatBullyI agree with your sentiment wholeheartedly but the OP’s situation is complex and probably not as straightforward as it might be for others. She has said she would like to keep the family together so I suggested the gentle approach in order to achieve that. Of course the man’s opinions are revolting and I would not choose to be married to him, but I am not the OP.

Your DH shouldn't have agreed to bring up kids in this country then if he didn't agree with gay rights.

Are the family really together though, when there are secrets kept by multiple members of the family because man-baby husband can't handle the truth?

I understand why you suggested that approach and it wasn't an attack on you at all. I get the feeling the husband has been used to getting his own way for far too long and it's about time someone stood up to him and said "no". 🙂

Wait? What? So a man from a Sikh religion shouldn't have an initial shocked reaction to his son being gay and that automatically equals he is against gay people having any rights ? Wow! So where should all the white UK born Christians move to then ? Back where they come from too ?

Funny with people like you, you're oh so liberal and shouty for the minority causes, until of course, one clashes with the other. Very 'brittle' beliefs and values....

Please stop down playing your husbands behaviour he isn’t “ old school “ or “ sulking”
or “ stubborn “he is a nasty homophobe

make sure your son knows you have his back
tell husband to leave so son can come home

To be fair, given the children's ages, I'd guess the OP and her husband are probably early 40s, moving here in the early 2000s. I'd hope that they had done their research and were aware of the equality values that this country has. Our country was one of the first to legalise homosexual relations, in 1967. Even as far back as the early 2000s, councils in this country consented to closing roads off for homosexual pride marches.

I love a glass of wine, so I'd never move to a country that forbid it.

I think the person you are quoting has a point in that people who come to this country should respect our way of life.

I agree with your sentiments.

But what I find puzzling is this particular type of person who gets very shouty and extreme about minority rights are the same people who will then jump on the other side of the fence at a snap of the finger and shout people down who are concerned about immigration and the people coming here and questioning whether they share our western values. That's what I don't like. It makes it virtue signalling and their integrity very brittle. You can't have it both ways. Gay rights often do indeed clash with the values of many countries outside the west.

If it helps, I disagree, because you are ill-informed. Feel better?

I haven't 'shut down' you sharing your (ill-informed) views on how gay and lesbian people should be referred to. Just highlight you may wish to read up on issues before jumping in.

As you were...

You know that was only England and Wales don't you?

I am in England and Mumsnet is based in London, England. England is my country of origin.

But Scotland and NI are also part of the UK, it took them until the 1980s.

Oh I am concerned about immigration. Britain is a small island in comparison with other countries. It's a full island.

Some migrants don't share western values around women's rights and safety, homosexual & lesbian rights. I am with you on this.

1980 and 1982. So 13 and 15 years after England and over 40 years ago so possibly before the OP was born and definitely before she was an adult.

Very hard on you OP, but no way would I tolerate my husband driving any of my children away because of their sexuality.

Make that clear to your husband.
"Don't ask me to choose because you won't like the answer for one minute."

My friends son came out as gay and then said trans a year later.
As he is a 6ft 2 rugby player, it was a shocker for all that were told.

My friend was very upset, but her husband more so.
She told him do not make me choose even for a minute.

3 years on they have all settled into this new information and so has her husband.

I think my friends firm uncompromising position helped him focus and realise he was not in the controlling seat.

Rainbow blinkers? Fashionable? Stuff and nonsense. I’ve hated homophobia since I first witnessed it from my own parents when I was 14. I’m 61 now, my views haven’t changed. Thankfully, theirs have.

I’ve told DH that if he starts shouting or disrespecting him, I will ask him to leave

Fixed it for you!!!

Why are you not supporting your DS better here? He should be top priority

People are not less likely to be gay because they’re from outside the west.

Those countries have no values, they’re archaic like the Catholic Church and as I’ve said to you previously with your “preaching”, religion has nothing to do with sexuality and has no right to “advise”.

Don’t follow a religion that hides and therefore excuses child sex abuse, then say they’ve got any right to have an opinion on anyone’s sexual activity. Like they hold a high moral ground.

It’s beyond belief that people follow these “values”, they’re valueless.

Personally as I said previously, the OP should only look after her son, her “DH” is a disgrace and should be ashamed of his views.

Once again to those on this thread :

This poster and one other disagreed with my sentiments on FWB (I think it is detrimental to women ) instead of disagreeing with me, this poster decided I was a catholic paedophile sympathiser.

Further more, they decided I had labelled the op a wank bucket. This did not happen. I described how many males view women who engage in such arrangements. That was my opinion.

Instead of a normal disagreement, this poster and one other decided to encourage others posters to conduct advanced personal searches on me. And tried to reveal tit bits of information on my past (where I was a victim of males taking advantage of me due to poor self esteem and previous issues with alcohol - reader, I do not drink any longer and haven't done for some time ) so I am all too aware of the dangers. Once I decided to stop replying to them, they carried on their harassment and continued urging other posters to advance search me and spread misinformation on what I'd quoted. I call that bullying.

So, please take this poster with a very large pinch of salt.

@Flashahah I'd ask you to politely discontinue your ongoing harassment of me.