DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

Wow I didn't realise we had so many apologists for homophobia on Mumsnet.

What an odd thread

Kinda a redundant question since that’s mainstream society’s expectation anyway.

Also, as a queer person, it’s quite something to read (I think) so many messages supporting the son and abhorrence of homophobia.!

one extra thing, however this pans out, the father will always be the father to the son, sometimes ties can be cut with parents if it is too toxic or / and traumatic. The ideal is for someone who is homophobic to begin to change their views - I wish the OP (and your son) all the support and strength X

@Flashahah hahah precisely nobody told the father I understand that part totally. So given the cultural background why did DS do this? I'm not against gay people but I think ita a bit odd. When you give the full context here!

@southlondonmum I think you've picked up the wrong end of the stick also!

That is a very sensible post.

I have a feeling your husband will come round, a lot of men, even very liberal minded ones, have difficulty when they find out their son is gay. However he is and there's nothing wrong with that. Just give your husband a bit of time - not a lot of time but some time to come to terms with it.

Good luck.

What a load of nonsense, choosing a child over a parent. No need for this stuff.

Take it easy OP, gently all will be well.

Are you actually saying they should’ve “gently” told him? To manage his emotions? FFS, he’s gay not murdered someone! He found out how he found out, no big deal.

Hopefully, he loses all his family, DD, DW and most certainly DS. If he doesn’t want this, he’d better start making amends very soon!

He might be from a social background that can't understand but its not a generation thing. Yes it was illegal but it happened, people knew about it and weren't bothered.

I’m 100% happy with my judgement in this situation.

if you think I’m the one who is ‘low’ and ‘crass’ then you also have a problem.

Sorry OP, but your husband is a douche bag. It can't be put down to cultural reasons either, as you both are from the same background. I hope that when your son turns 18, he has the clout to buy a house of his own so that he doesn't have to live under the same roof as a bigot.

So what was her answer?

I think your husband is probably shocked, especially if he had no idea and I'm guessing that cultural more conservative. Your husband has two chooses - lose his son or accept his son's sexuality. I'm not saying it's something he's going to accept overnight, but the fact your son is gay, isn't going to change. It's not a 'faze', he's not been 'brainwashed' or whatever other ludicrous statements people come out with. Your husband may have legitimate worries - what will the wider family say? Could your family be shunned? What about the continuation of the family name? There won't be grandchildren from your son? I don't think it's a bad idea for your son to stay for a couple of weeks with his boyfriend. You need during those two weeks, with your daughter's help, is to talk to your husband. This is a situation that isn't going away. You are not disowning your own son for something that he can't change. Your husband may not understand, but he needs to accept and respect his son's sexuality. If your husband can't get on board, then your son has to come before your husband.

@ Flashahah isn't what I said at all. What I have said is given the background of the culture. OP choose not to tell her husband so I can't understand why DS would just cuddle up to his boyfriend as though his father is aware of the situation already. Does that make sense?? Have I spelt it out to you now. Goodness you can understand a situation without agreeing with a person!

No, no sense at all! It’s honestly like you think the father’s reaction is acceptable, do you?

Culture is nothing to do with it! I’m from a “culture” equally homophobic, it doesn’t make me act like the disgraceful behaviour of the father. Obviously, because I’m not a bigot.

I think the space will do them both good. Your DH probably has deep down suspected for a while maybe that’s why he didn’t knock.
He’s had a shock and hopefully he’ll come around.
I fully appreciate the cultural differences here and the feelings that your husband will be feeling around it all. It’s very different to those of a British family. I hope that he can become accepting or if not, not cause an issue for you and you DD’s relationship with your son. Hope it goes well for you all. You seem to have a lovely relationship with your son.

@flashahah I think you are coming across as emotional yourself. Like I've said in life you can understand someone's point of view without necessarily agreeing. It's a valuable skill to hold.

My partners is British Jamaican his uncle is Jamaican he has 4 children one of them he has disowned. He came out as gay and that was it he didn't have 4 he had 3 children that was 30 years ago. He will never acknowledge him again.

I don’t believe there is a single person on this thread who wouldn’t be shocked if they walked into their child’s bedroom to find them in bed with someone of the same sex who had previously been introduced as a friend.

There’s a reason why we still live in a society where people still feel the need to come out as gay. Not because it’s wrong, but because society still expects to know rather than be faced with the reality.

We also have a parents of LGBT children board, if parents don’t see it as a big deal there would be no need for that.

Was the husband right to have kicked off in the way he did? In hindsight no. But he reacted on the spur of the moment.

If he refuses to accept DS is gay, disowns him, anything like that, then of course it’s a potential LTB.

But as yet he hasn’t said that.

Saying that someone who reacts to walking in on their child and same sex partner and is shocked is a homophobe is entirely unrealistic. Most people would be, and while many people might not overreact in the same way there are plenty of people who would still be shocked to find out their child was gay in that way.

Wow. Four whole paragraphs defending bigotry. That really is astounding. The husband should have kept his horrible comments to himself. I am so tired of people trying to rationalise un-acceptable behaviour. Would you say the same if the husband had a problem with the son's boyfriend's ethnicity? I don't think so.

We don't get to live our lives through our offspring. Though we may enjoy grandchildren, it's not something that we should take as a given. As long as our sons and daughters are safe, happy and well and not getting up to anything illegal, we have no right to dictate who they choose as their partner. The boy will be 18 years old soon - a genuine adult who would be well within his rights to turn around and tell the "father" to keep his darn nose out of his business. I hope this young man is able to get a house of his own when that day comes so that he doesn't have to live under the same roof as hostility and resentment.

emotional? Are you ok?

How do you think the DF would’ve responded to the DS telling him by just saying “dad I’m gay”, would they now be sitting round eating an evening meal with his partner?

No, I don’t think so.

You really are concentrating on the wrong issue here, it’s not the delivery of the DS being gay, it’s the reaction of the “d”f.

In the UK a generation ago this is generally what happened, shock and surprise then acceptance. As I said my PILs struggled when they discovered that SIL was in a relationship with a woman.

However, the next generation have all grown up with married aunties, lesbian aunties, and single aunties and know that you're loved by your family whatever sexual relationship you have. So while my SIL didn't come out until her 30s, her niece came out at 12 knowing it wouldn't be an issue and has had a 'normal' teenage life being open about her feelings. The Overton window has moved.

This is one of those threads where it won't help OP. Unless they are from her culture and have experienced this. People suggesting OP should her DH to "F**k off" are just as bad. What will that achieve 🙄

Well, if it would by my child my DH wouldn't just loose his child, he would also loose me.

Culture "indoctrines" are valid but we are in the 21st century and if a man who is living in this country for years can't realise that sexuality is not a choice and wouldn't accept his child then it's not a marriage I want/need.

I would expect from my DH to look very closely at himself but I would never expect my child to leave his home, boyfriend or not, for my DH to cool down and think.

And I say this as a parent of a queer child, luckily for our child, their sexuality is never an issue for DH and me.

“I think he’s also struggling with is the bf being from a different background - proper English lad, different family setup, very open and affectionate. But like… if DS was straight and dating a white girl would DH still be upset? Probably”

You can’t choose to bring your children up in a different culture and expect them not to want to integrate with that culture, be attracted to people of that culture and be a part of that culture. That’s on him for the choice he made to bring his children up here.

Ok, so I think what’s being missed is that, with OP/DH both being from India where homosexual sex was only legalised in 2018, it is likely DH really hasn’t engaged with LGB issues. That he had no inkling of his DS being gay strikes me that he is clueless. He may also be homophobic, but in the first instance discovering his DS is gay is so outside his cultural experience that I can imagine his being confused.

I think in the first instance I would suggest you give him a day to get his head around this and maybe suggest you both have some counselling at a support group/service for parents of LBG kids. I’d counsel OP to advise DS to remain safely with his BF while OP supports DH in gaining understanding and hopefully realises he needs to embrace his DS’s sexuality. There may be a network within your Indian community for its LGB members who can help bridge the gap and bring DH and DS together.

OP, I’d continue to reassure DS that you love him unconditionally, but I wouldn’t issue DH an ultimatum without exploring ways to help him come to terms and accept your DS first.