DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

There's not much I'd leave my DH for, but I'd leave him for behaving like that towards one of our children.

Your priority should be your DS.

Cultural differences are no excuse (especially when you've actively chosen to relocate to a country where being gay is accepted, and have had years to get used to the country you chose as your home).

Culture was no excuse for my DH's white British aunt, who cited traditional working class values as an excuse for kicking out her gay son, either.

My grandma is an elderly Christian woman. I'm not sure of her true feelings, but when my cousins came out she hugged them and told them she just wants them to be happy.

My uni flatmate was from a strict Catholic background. She hid being a lesbian for years. She's just posted a photo of the rainbow flag cake her dad baked her when she came out.

You have the same cultural background as your DH and you are managing to be a good parent who accepts him. People can, and regularly do, choose to prioritise their children over traditions and culture.

Don't let your DH ruin the relationship between you and your child. It doesn't matter what he thinks about being gay, his feelings on this matter don't trump your son's.

I think you need to sit your DH down and explain to him about the birds and the bees; and the bees that like other bees, and the birds and the birds; and the birds that used to be bees that still like birds, the bees that used to be birds that actually prefer bees, the birds that have stripes like a bee but can't make up their mind whether they are a bird or a bee and the bees that now look like birds but still have a little prick...

Give your husband some time- it’s obviously come as a shock. Presumably fear of his reaction is why none of you told him before and it’s a shame it came out like this.

That said, this is the sort of thing that can leave parents and children permanently estranged and I would do everything you can to support your son. In the longer term, you may have choices to make depending on whether your husband can come to terms with your son’s sexuality.

Yep me too.

I would tell my husband to pack a bag and get out. You fix this by making it clear to your son that your husband’s attitude is wrong and until it changes he will not be a welcome member of the family.

I was your DD in this scenario in my family so I've seen how this plays out first hand. Your husband needs to decide whether he wants a relationship with his son or not - he doesn't have much time to decide this. Even "taking time to think it over" signals to your son that he is doing something wrong and that it needs "coming to terms with". You can then decide what you want to do - whether its feasible to have a quality relationship with your son when your DH is opposed to it, or not. Then you essentially have to choose your children or your husband. I'm truly sorry that you're in this position but please don't minimise the impact that your husband's reaction has already had on your son. It has taken nearly 20 years for my parents to fully regain my brother's trust.

Why would your first thought be to automatically leave your husband rather than first try to work through it when otherwise he’s a perfectly okay dad? I think adults would be expected to try and talk things through and address difficult (and in the case of this culture I imagine a taboo subject), and try to get over this hump. LTB really is not the only scenario for every case.

This is a lovely video from an Indian dad who was homophobic but eventually accepted his son.

Maybe he might benefit from seeing stories like this - m.youtube.com/watch?v=gmRQ5Rtf-HI&pp=0gcJCdgAo7VqN5tD

Thanks so much to everyone who’s replied, I’ve been reading all the replies and they really do help. Appreciate it honestly.

Couple things to add - DH and DS have never been that close tbh. DH always struggled with the fact DS isn’t interested in football or “boy” stuff like that, never wanted to go watch matches or talk about sports, always more into music and films and fashion. It’s like they just didn’t click from the start and DH never really made the effort. I think he expected a certain kind of son and just didn’t get it, if I’m honest.

One of the things I think he’s also struggling with is the bf being from a different background - proper English lad, different family setup, very open and affectionate. But like… if DS was straight and dating a white girl would DH still be upset? Probably. So I think it’s partly that but also definitely the gay thing.

Since DS left last night DH has just been stomping about, barely said a word to me or DD, been sitting on his phone and watching old Indian films in the living room like nothing’s happened. He’s clearly in a huff but acting like he’s not bothered, which just makes it worse.

DS has messaged saying he’s safe and his bf’s family are happy to have him for now. He doesn’t want to talk to DH at all atm, which I get. He feels properly hurt. I agree with a lot of you - a bit of space might help but DH has to get over this and see what’s important here. I won’t let this break my family apart but I’m not going to let DS be pushed away either.

Going to try and speak to DH calmly later tonight if he’s willing to listen. If not… well, I’m not letting this slide. DD is also really upset, she’s furious with her dad and said she won’t speak to him either till he sorts himself out.

would you tell your daughter she’s too young to know she likes boys?

My lovely son is gay. He told us when he was 14, some 13 years ago. If his dad had reacted in the appalling way your husband did I would have left him. Shame on your husband.

Sadly you and DS have learnt the hard way that a parent suddenly finding out their child is gay does not always end well. You have had a long time to process that news, your husband has had none. He also now knows his wife, DS & DD have been keeping the truth from him for years - probably with the best of intentions - just think how you would feel if that was you. Many times in these situations the initial anger and shouting bends to acceptance and understanding - I do hope so. And yes - I do have direct experience of this - except I was asked to 'break the news' to the parent because the offspring was too scared to do so. Don't take the initial reaction at face value, ignore the poster saying you must leave - at least not yet! Good luck.

"More conservative" what a lovely way to dress up homophonic.

It's complete BS.

OP surely if you were going to lose anyone over this, it would be your DH and not your innocent DS.

The fact that you are too afraid to rock the boat speaks volumes.

Don’t choose your homophobic husband over your son.

Your son may forgive you now but one day he will come to understand.

Thinking about it, and trying to cut her DH some slack, seeing your son in bed cosying up to another boy, that would shock anyone. It's not exactly a subtle way to find out.

Give him time to take it in and once he has he should come to terms with it.

I am surprised it's never been spoken about to be honest. My OH and I have talked about the possibility of one of our children being gay and our joint hope has always been that they never feel they have to hide it. I would also quite like if they were comfortable enough to just introduce their partner without needing to come out if that makes sense. I couldn't be with someone who would have an issue with it.

I think the fact that neither your or your son has ever had even a tentative conversation with your husband is quite telling. Shock aside, I'd tell your OH to give his head a wobble and ask what he planned to do to put this right.... possibly not exactly the words I would use. But I do think the emphasis needs to be put on the dad to be the one to apologise and show willing, your son has done nothing wrong.

I suspect that you always knew what your husbands response might be and that you should consider why you didn't subtlety advocate more for your son.

Your husband is homophobic and he is driving your son away.

Your son is gay and that is not going to change.

If your husband can't accept that, that's his problem.

I would not want to live with a man who thinks it is OK to treat his son this way. That would be the end of the relationship for me.

The part about your DD resonates for me too - I'd have chosen my brother over my dad every time and he'd have lost us both if he hadn't got his act together. Something else for your husband (and you) to think about.

Also... "One of the things I think he’s also struggling with is the bf being from a different background - proper English lad, different family setup, very open and affectionate. But like… if DS was straight and dating a white girl would DH still be upset? Probably. So I think it’s partly that but also definitely the gay thing."

Just imagine if a white 'proper English' person said this.

Tell your son that you love him and he will always be your priority. If it comes down to it you will choose him over his father. But if he needs some space right now to be with his boyfriend that’s ok.

I dont think people screaming "Homophobe!!!" are being fair.

This man had no idea, has had traditional values instilled in him from what the OP has said and he was shocked.

My DD is gay, and I was very surprised when she told me as I had genuinely no idea. Took me a few days for it to settle in my head and all is good.

Shock can make us all act out of character. If he has shown no signs of homophobia in the past but simply had made the assumption that DS would be straight, then he is going to pulled up short when he realises that its all turned on its head from what he thought. Heterosexual relationships are still, for most people, the default expectation and if you come from a culture or religion where homosexuality is very frowned up or simply not allowed, then its bound to be a bigger shock.

If he goes from this to "He is no son of mine" then thats different, but nothing the OP says indicates that that is the case.

You didn’t tell him because you knew the reaction!

He’s awful,

‘’His old school’’

NO - His homophobic

Tell your husband he can leave if he doesnt like it

PICK YOUR SON !!!

Wonderful, sensible advice. Thank you