DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

I would give DH a chance to open his mind, get with the times and apologise but if that doesn't happen soon you need to choose DS over you DH. I understand you have DD too and that complicates things but your poor DS is so young and needs a family home still even if it's without his father. It's great he has a nice boyfriend with a family that welcome him but living together at 17 is very young and a big step and it would be better to have more space to grow as an individual without compromising for a live-in boyfriend and being young and free before all the complication cohabiting involves.

@Flashahah you seem pretty hostile yourself. You also lack the ability to be realistic about the entire situation OVERALL here! OP has lied to her husband for years! She's also had time to come to terms and process that her Son is gay. I too would be shocked if it was my Son. It doesn't mean I'm against gays I would just be surprised that's all.

You're massively overreacting yourself never mind OPs DH!!

Let your DH sit and sulk and give him a dose of his own medicine. Stop talking to him too and, most importantly, stop doing anything for him - cooking, laundry, even a cup of tea.

Tell him to let you know when he's decided to grow up and stop behaving like a dick-head.

Your son would be much better off moving out until his father has learned that he's not the boss of everybody and that being gay is totally normal.

And if he can't accept that, or indeed his own son, then he's welcome to pack a bag and bugger off.

🙄

Wow, a lot of posters aren’t reading the context. The husband isn’t some raging bigot he’s from India, where homsexuality has only just been legalised like London in the early 70's. He sounds more shocked and blindsided than anything else. Maybe give the man a minute before reaching for the pitchforks?

I don't think your husband would be upset if your son was with a white woman. Men don't think like that. His thinking is a lot more deeper than that and crude. With men no matter where they come from or the culture they all have one thing in common they think of the sex.

There is a difference between lying and not telling. OP's husband shouldn't have made assumptions about his son's orientation and let the son tell him when he's ready if he likes girls or boys. The fact that the OP didn't tell husband for so long shows how problematic the husband is. Shocked or not, to handle a sensitive issue in that way is not acceptable. As parents, we must put our own emotions a side in stressful situations and put our children's welfare first.

It is simple. Your husband already treats your son differently, and he probably suspected this was the case. Your family isn’t whole, if your dh isn’t even bothered with his own son.

Really, one has to ask: where do my ideas, ideals, and thoughts come from? Are they my own or from my parents, culture, religion. Am I willing to reject my own child for this? This goes for you, and your dh. You can decide what is right and wrong. Does rejecting your child feel right? Would you be okay if your son stopped talking to you because you let your DH continued his behaviour? You won’t regret standing by your child. You also risk losing your daughter.

I could never, but then again I’ve been on the receiving end of the rejection by a parent. They’ve since changed over the years, and realised the error of their ways. I would ALWAYS choose my child over anyone, even my own dh & family.

@Bigfatbully let's not be obtuse or byast now. I can see both sides tbh.

Your son should always, always come before your husband. You need to tell your husband that this is the case.

I’m hostile and emotional..

The use of UPPER CASE LETTERS does not make your point any more valid.

Mayve your son is gay…… he’s just not told you, can you imagine why not?

Awaits cries “of not my son”, 🤔!

Anyway, stop trying to psychoanalyse me and tagging me.

If he's not homophobic old school, then why didn't his son come out to him?

Why does that not make him a raging bigot? He is! Because it’s been legalised whenever doesn’t mean that you have to believe it was wrong up until that point.

But he also lives in the UK for several years and has brought up his children here. So it's not that being gay is a new concept.

I do would give him the benefit of doubt but I would be in uproar if my child feels he needs to leave his home.

Even if my Son was gay I've already said I would be shocked. However I'm not against gay people. I'm not sure why you are making up assumptions about my child. Very odd.

I can see this is falling on deaf ears.

My thoughts.

Hi OP,

I'm really sorry to hear you have this stress going on. I'm also Scottish but living down south, so I understand a it of your context.

One thing I've noticed is that for some parents, getting a DIL or SIL can just be really difficult. A friend of mine who is a white american girl married an indian man. His Dad was not happy about it at all and he cut them off after the wedding. However, after a few years passed he sort of adjusted a bit and now they talk a bit more. It wasn't about colour or nationality or gender for him. He just wanted the right religion of DIL and didn't get it.

Likewise, I married someone from overseas and his Dad never took to me at all.

I don't really totally understand it, but I think that getting a DIL or SIL can sometimes just be really hard.

I appreciate that it might be something the husband needs time to process but aside from that I have zero sympathy for the husband. If you think telling your son that their orientation is wrong and in the OP's words to "kick off", then your priorities as a parent are wrong. "Excuse me, I need to go downstairs and think for a moment" would have been a better response. But most decent person would respect their son or daughter's choice in partner (as long as there was no wrongdoing going on). There have been plenty of publications about homosexuality, printed, broadcast and paraded at marches throughout the country. Husband must have known that there was a possibility one of his children may not be interested in the opposite gender.

Yes I'm quite shocked tbh, and at the thinly veiled homophobia some pp's are displaying themselves. I've never seen it this bad on MN 😔

I agree with this.

And I say this coming from catholic Ireland where my own aunt, to this day, still does not know her own son is gay (my mum, her sister, tells me she is none the wiser). My aunt would be very religious, although I think she would he fine with the news, but obviously my cousin has reservations hence he has kept it hidden.

Julian Simmons, a continuity announcer on UTV here, only revealed he was gay when his mum passed. In NI we would definitely be behind the rest of the UK in terms of progressive attitudes (think we were also the last to legalise homosexuality in the UK).

Your cultural background is important to provide context, and OP and her DH being of Indian heritage they too would be more conservative, although OP is obviously more progressive. The younger generation (OP's daughter for example) are far more accepting. Hopefully he can come to terms with it and soon, as the rest of his family has.

Couldn't agree more.

Most humans off of this 'pick me' virtue signalling dance site, would have a range of feelings to find their son embracing romantically another male , when they had no idea he was not straight.

This unrealistic waffle on here is harmful to both parents and gay people alike.

Throwing the "homophobia" card around because a father, especially one from a more conservative culture, is shocked and has acted out that shock at that moment in time, is virtue signalling nonsense, plain and simple.

Most of the gay people I know have told me stories such as "my dad took it hard at first, but he came round " - setting this generation up for "oh snog your boyfriend where you want, if your parents don't accept it immediately they're homophobic cunts and you should pack your bags and go no contact " Is a failure of tolerance and adultness. It also further adds division to this already fucked society, as you're cancelling out normal people's normal feelings. Most parents who have concerns or knee jerk suprise at their child being gay do usually 'come round'. They're humans, their feelings are valid too.

Op, I think you should consult a forum made up of people that share your heritage/faith. They'll take that aspect into consideration and can perhaps give you measured advice with an inherent understanding of your shared beliefs and values and may be able to help you navigate your husband's emotions without judging the faith/culture base for it.

I’m so glad you’re not against gay people, it’s really good of you. It’s almost like you’re saying gay people can be accepted, like they’re a normal part of society.

Just the way you’ve said that, shows a question mark as if you or anyone has a right to be against gays.

I think that’s called bigotry.

Homophobia never went away. I remember reading before Christmas about James Williams from Ru Paul's show being the victim of homophobic abuse. It's still out there. It's physical violence that these homosexuals are sometimes subjected to as well, not just words. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-67866432

You need to tell your son how much you love and want to support him. Make it clear to him that you don't want him to move but will help him if he feels like that is the right decision at the moment. You need to make sure he doesnt feel abandoned or let down by you.

Once your husband has calmed down you need to talk and make it clear to him that you will not let him force your child out.

THIS ⬆