DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

I absolutely agree with @SquashedMallow .. It is a traumatic transition for your DH.
He "may "come round". At the moment he is dealing with shock and trauma. Let's be honest, it would be a shock to anyone who hasn't realised, and doubly so in his traditional family set up.
Not excuses for rejection. But he really needs space to think about it. You have had several years to process the information

This can't be real.
If it is, this is very worrying indeed

You've made your point many times now. Give it a rest.

WTAF is this?

What religion is your DH @OP ?

Maybe you should be taking your own advice about the therapy.

For you and your kids, because they are going to need it with your 'parenting'.

Reported.

Unless there's a genuine apology then I'd be leaving. Do you work, have your own money etc? It's basically a choice between your homophobic husband and your kids.

oh God, your poor son. Write out what you need to say to your DH in case he doesn’t listen. Accept your part that you maybe should have told him years ago so this wouldn’t have been such a shock. Agree with pp about speaking to someone who your husband respects to talk to him. Also the other point about not having much time to salvage what relationship they have.

it doesn’t sound like you’ve been able to be honest with your husband historically. That is very inhibiting & harmful to you & him & your family unit. Everyone should be able to be honest in their home. You can change this at any time but starting to speak your mind & your truth. This is the most important thing for all your relationships I think. Sending you the best of luck, you have a difficult road ahead. Please try to have some compassion for your husband while holding a firm stance in unwavering support for your son 💐

I have a friend who did the same thing. Moved abroad married a woman and just doesn’t say anything.

I think for some people if they don’t want to forego all family connection this is the middle ground. And I think in some cultures if you’re not actively around them it’s more manageable. As sad as it is. It’s the reality. Hopefully this will change.

I was talking to young albanian recently who was saying she wished she could run away and be gay in peace. But she thought no matter where she went they would find her and drag her back.

It’s a massive shock for your husband. He had no idea and finding them that way would have been very upsetting.

give him sometime and then have a chat with him. Your son has known since 11 so he’s secure in who he is. Im sure he’ll come around with time.

I find it astonishing that anyone can still hold such backward, outdated, uncivilised & bigoted views in the 2020s. Your DH is living in both the wrong century and the wrong society, OP. He needs to understand that if he continues to treat his son (who has done absolutely nothing wrong) so appallingly, he runs a very high risk of losing him.

You could suggest your ‘D’H reads A Dutiful Boy by Mohsin Zaidi. It may give him some insight into some issues DS may be facing

What did you DS think about his father's reaction? I mean he equally could of avoided cuddling up to his BF. Perhaps his father doesn't want it flaunting in his face.

No advice OP I can see how you feel you are piggy in the middle.

This is "it must have been a shock nonsense" is completely ridiculous.

It's absolutely disgusting that any parent considers their child's sexuality as an issue or even any of their business.

Stand by your homophobic husband and you'll lose your son. He needs to apologise and change his mind really fast. What a horrible homophobic reaction. You say stubborn as some sort of code for homophobic.

He shouldn't have to avoid cuddling his own boyfriend in his own home because of his homophobic father. Cuddling a boyfriend isn't no more 'flaunting' anything than it would be if he was cuddling a girlfriend.

Your husband is both a homophobe and racist. Ime this is going to be very deep rooted. Talk to him and suggest therapy, books etc… but fundamentally, it’s on him to do the work.

He was in his own bedroom, not the middle of the lounge.

No one told the father, because they knew the reaction.

So people kept quiet to stop the issue.

No point the awful man would’ve reacted like this whenever.

Just to be clear though - I never told DS he was too young to know, I just didn’t take him very seriously at 11. Thought maybe it was a phase or something he’d grow out of, not in a horrible way, just didn’t really know better back then. He’s always been open with me though and I’m glad he gave me the chance again last year to talk properly. I’ve been supportive ever since.

DH is Sikh and quite traditional in a lot of ways - doesn’t really talk about feelings, just expects things to be “normal” (whatever that means to him). I think a lot of this is pride and image for him.

Also should’ve said earlier - DH didn’t knock or anything, just walked straight into DS’s room to ask him something and saw them cuddled up. So it wasn’t even like DS was being disrespectful or flaunting it, they were just watching a film together in his room with the door shut.

I just wish DH could see the full picture instead of jumping to anger.

I have a Muslim friend. She is very against gay relationships due to her upbringing and religion.

I asked her once what she’d prefer:

Her son being with a wife that was really horrible to him and to her or a boyfriend who was the loveliest, most kind person. I said you can always tell yourself they are just friends if it bothers you that much.

Also how involved does a parent really get in their child’s relationship even if it’s a straight couple?

Boom. What a top hat he is

Give him a minute and point out that your DS is still your child and you still love him the same. I think people are being a bit harsh, OP and her husband were raised in India, the context is different and it’s going to be a shock.

Focus on repair, tell your DH that you understand it’s a shock but he needs to move past it or lose his son. Tell your son he’s very much still loved. The reality is yelling and social shame never changed anyone’s sexuality so your Dh has to move past it.

Absolutely choose your child over your homophobic husband.
I’d say your son is old enough to go and stay with his boyfriend until things cool off.
While he’s there, I’d be having some serious talks with “D”H.

The way I’m looking at it, he’s got 2 choices:

• yank his head out of his arse and accept his son for who he is

or

• lose his son, wife and daughter

It really is that simple.

Hi.

First of all, it’s great to hear your son has a supportive network around him & it sounds like a lovely boyfriend. It’s great he is able to talk to you Your son is still young & it’s important that he feels supported and safe in the place he calls home. Id suggest looking at websites like below for resources plus also there are helplines you can call to speak and hear more about how you can both support your son & also talk to your husband. The helpline is for families as well as friends, colleagues as well as all of us that are LGBTQ+. If you feel more comfortable you can email, instant chat as well as speak on the phone. You could also share this with your son too. You aren’t alone and there are many other mums who have been in this situation - feel free to DM if you like too X

https://switchboard.lgbt/

You had years to adjust and your son confided at 11yo
Dad absolutely didn’t know and has discovered by accident. No thoughtful planned conversation.
Dad has over reacted and needs to process and adjust to this news and treat his son with respect.
I'm in no way condoning his reaction but I don’t think it’s an immediate fuck off and out dh goes
There need to be a discussion about acceptance and reconciliation