Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

He sounds too controlling to change. This isn’t a small issue it’s clearly a pervasive one. You can either tell him to fuck off when you do those things or you can leave. If you’re afraid of his reaction to the first option then he is not a safe person and you shouldn’t be with him.

He sounds too controlling to change. This isn’t a small issue it’s clearly a pervasive one. You can either tell him to fuck off when you do those things or you can leave. If you’re afraid of his reaction to the first option then he is not a safe person and you shouldn’t be with him.

This is controlling behaviour. You can try and out boundaries in place, and ignore him, but are you scared of his reaction? Will he sulk, become aggressive?

I think you should be planning your exit.

Have you asked him what his problem is with you reading? Why does he go 'mad'? It seems a bit of an extreme reaction to an everyday activity!

When you say 'Won't let you.' do you mean he tries to stop you or does something like constantly interrupting?

What does he want you to do instead of those things?

They are all basic everyday activities. How can he have a problem with you spending time with your daughter? 😕

This sounds horrendous OP, are you OK?

You can't stop his behaviour, only he can, and he'd need to want to stop it. What are the chances of that do you think?

Get things set up so you can leave ie sort finances, have an idea where you/he will move to, speak to bank and a solicitor.
Then have a proper discussion with him when DD is not there.
You have put up with so much he will assume you are bluffing and discussion won’t progress-he needs to know you are ready to go and mean it

BTW why is he like this?

He's unlikely to change. How awful that he can't be happy for you that you have a bit of time to pick up your interests again. I'm tempted to say keep doing what you're doing, and maybe book a weekend away with friends to bring this issue to a head, but it doesn't sound safe. What does 'goes mad' mean? What would happen if you had a serious conversation with him in a neutral setting and let him know that his behaviour is putting the marriage at risk? Would couples counselling be an option?

There are no ideas that can change him. 16 years of your life like this? Make sure there are no more years like this - way beyond time to leave.

What does he do or say when you try and do those things?

Coercive control is a crime. You can report him to the police.

OP - come on. How can that be normal? You know it isn’t. And he’s not happy if you spend time with your daughter? It’d be really poor parenting to choose to stay in that relationship if so.

Not very often I jump to this Mumsnet cliche, but if you are ready to walk then you should totally leave the bastard. He won’t change, and as people get older they get worse/more stubborn.

LTB.

Contact a domestic violence help line.

You don't want this for the rest of your life so you need to take action now.
As others have said he is controlling which is abusive. You have two choices, either tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and set firm boundaries with him or prepare to separate. If it's safe to do so tell him these are his options. Also can you clarify when you say 'he goes mad' eg is it a physical or verbal reaction? How old is your daughter BTW as this will be affecting her also.

”I don’t need your permission and I’m not discussing it any further”. Then just do what you want and ignore him. Keep repeating this whilst you get yourself sorted to leave the controlling twat.

You should get to a place a safety with your. Children and then end the relationship. This is far from normal behaviour. It’s extreme and you should be careful to remove yourself from this immediately.

It is controlling. How old is your daughter?
No man should be be able, nor even want to stand between you and your DC, and it on its own would be a deal breaker for me.
Op, you sound like you need support and validation.
Reading books is great, so is going to gym. It's working on yourself and diverting your attention from him. Maybe he feels threatened by it somehow. Does he like being in the centre of everyone's attention?
In any case, controlling is not on. Your parents didn't spend years on raising you for him then to limit your life like that and take any joy out of it.
You say you want your life back. When did you stop being yourself?
I worry he is damaged somehow (narcissistic?) and will not get where you are coming from. The more you stand your ground the more it is going to escalate.
Is there anyone to support you in real life?

“Why do i need your premission to read? do we live in Gilead? No? Well then I shall continue with my book you silly little man.”
Saying that, if you can get out just take yoir daughter and leave.

How does he act towards your DD?

You do just do them anyway. If he’s horrible about it you divorce him. It’s that simple.

I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

Tell him that you're not his employee, you can do what you like. Presumably he's allowed to run his own life, so why can't you? If he won't accept this, then walk away.

Does he have any interests or hobbies? If not try to encourage him to do something for himself.

You are changing, he's afraid he's not being able to keep up with you.... so the easiest way to stop this is controlling your behaviour. Don't let him, life is too short!

Pure controlling abuse. What an inadequate loser he is.