Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

He’s worried you’ll educate yourself and leave his controlling arse!

He’s always been controlling….but little things I could deal with then we had kids and got married and I guess it’s me that’s changed….i don’t want to be controlled any more and now he hates that

What do you mean he won’t let you read or have books? That is just insane? And what happens if you try to go out or to the gym? Does he know that coercive control is a crime that he can be prosecuted for? I think you’d do well to remind him of this.

The fact that he said he hopes you get cancer and die, particularly in front of your children, is absolutely the time you should be walking away.

What’s your financial situation like? I don’t mean just yours, half of everything he has is yours as well.

mine used to do that too. He would keep me awake by coming in the room and switching the light on and shouting every hour. I was heavily pregnant and very tired, too.

Thankfully at 14 your dc can decide if they want to see him when you leave..my exh used to mock me if I picked up a book. Tried getting the dc involved but they didn't. I left... Mind blowing to be able to just 'live' un harassed..

If mumsnet had been around for me back then my life would have been so much better faster.. Don't underestimate the strength you can get from folk on here op.

Gosh he sounds awful.
It’s ok to walk away, even after all this time. Sometimes it’s with age we really find ourselves and a strength that our younger selves didn’t have in us. It’s better to leave him now; and enjoy happiness in the future, than commit yourself to a lifetime of this. If you feel yourself wobbling, just picture yourself in your favourite place with a book and your favourite drink. (Mine would be a large glass of Red with some cheese on the side).
You’re so strong for getting to this decision, and it’s done you a favour your daughter heard him being so vile first hand.

OP I’ve been on here a long time, and there are a few standout cases of threads that stick with you, where the level of day to day cruelty that people live with is shocking

I think that yours might join this group in my mind.

I sincerely hope you can find a way out of this awful relationship, and that you can live a life of quiet freedom where you can watch, eat, do, read what you want. Where you are comfortable and safe in your own home. I know it’s terribly complicated, that it’s easy to say LTB as an outside observer, but I’m rooting for you from afar and wish you all the very best.

Fuck me! Please leave OP. I'm not saying that flippantly and I absolutely know it will be hard but what I also know is you will be amazed how great you will feel and how well you and your daughter will do without this despicable 'man' dragging you both down 💐

You can leave and save yourself and your daughter.
The reading thing is him literally not allowing you any inner thoughts.
Be very careful though. He's a jealous nutter.

Unfortunately no I’ve no parents alive and no support network. I think it’s why I’ve let things go on so long. I’m scared. Not just about his reaction, but we’ve been together since I was 21. I’ve not had a job since my early 20’s and I’m now 40.

What, is he illiterate? Can't he get another book and read next to you? I really can't understand how you can put up with him, OP. I think you know what you must do here. It's like ripping off a bandaid. Just do it. And don't believe a word he says to try and get you back.

You can’t change his behaviour.

He won’t change.

You should walk away.

He may then say he’ll change and do so briefly. But he will 100% revert back.

You should seek advice from domestic abuse charities about how to leave safely.

Why haven't you gone back to work?

Looking after their DD?

OP, you must leave.

I don’t mean this rudely but I expected you to be in your 60s - you sound so downtrodden and it feels like your dh is much older too; he has some really traditional, old fashioned views. You are only 40! I mean no one should be living like this at ANY age but Christ alive just leave him and start again. You are (hopefully) literally half way through your life. Don’t waste any more of it with this absolutely troll.

Or not allowed to?

There are organizations that help ‘economically inactive’ people like you to gain qualifications and experience, to get work. They are used to working with mid life women with no or limited job experience. Your situation is far from unusual. Go to your local Council, they probably have an into work team. Or/and ask at the job Centre.

I left a similar twat and my life is infinitely better now I’m free. Why does he get to dictate how you live your one precious life?? Who the fuck does he think he is? This is also damaging your kids more than you think. You owe it to all of you to get him out your life, you’ll probably find your kids will want little to do with him

If you’re brave now, your daughters could have the last few years of their childhood in a peaceful happy home, just the three of you.

good luck OP. You sound ready to do this and you’ve had lots of good advice here.

Nah..he won't change. You're flogging a dead horse there OP.
Get yourself out of there..think how so much happier you'll be..having a life of your own

@Confusednut I hope nobody gives you advice NOT to walk .
I will not try convince a women to stay in any sort of abusive relationship.
This is bad op. Go and be free with your Dd

There is a lovely life out there for you .

Plan it quietly so you can leave in safety .

Poor you OP, it creeps up in you and grinds you down doesn’t it. So many of us have been in similar positions and done the scary thing and on the other side life is so much easier. You can do it, you can have a good life, enjoy work and build friendships again. Suspect you have lost a lot of confidence with all this. Once you start the process things will naturally fall into place. You can do it

My God you are only 40! Get out now, you have a lot of life left and this is no way to spend it. I only wish I was 40 again so I could realise just how young I still was then.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Forty is not old. Make your 41st year on this planet a happier one by getting rid of your (and in turn their) abuser. You have been put down and otherwise emotionally crushed by him since your early 20s. Such men do not change either; this is who he really is and he likely targeted you in order to abuse you. You were likely very young and or in a bad place yourself when you and he met. He has certainly managed to isolate you from a support network; a common tactic of abusers. And like so many of them too he calls you controlling; this is he projecting his own self onto you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. This is no legacy to leave them.

Being afraid of him, afraid of the unknown, the kids, finances are four of many reasons people stay. But it is precisely for those reasons that you should leave him. Your children have seen an abusive relationship their entire lives and this is no legacy to leave them.

Use the likes of Womens Aid and a local firm of solicitors to divorce him. Your kids will thank you for doing so.

This is awful OP. I can’t actually believe what I am reading.

You say it’s got worse since lockdown. Lockdown was 5 years ago. You can’t waste another second with this awful monster of a man.

Please please get out.