Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

I had a relationship like this decades ago.
If I was reading I was being ignorant and ignoring him. If I wanted to go out with friends I was looking to cheat.
Its soul destroying.
The last thing he did was not let me sleep when I was on a run of night shifts.
A friend ( manager at the time) staged an intervention and got me out of there.
Please leave.

Controlling behaviour is abuse. If you're ready to walk leave now. X

What happens if you tell him to sod off?

I am not sure anyone can say anything useful except leave

Not a lot unless it’s what he wants to do…he says I’m the one controlling the situation….last night we were watching tv….his choice he went on his phone so I changed the channel to something I’d watch he decided it was time to go to bed….i wasn’t tired so I tried to read and he tried to take my phone off me….im not allowed any books so use my phone instead….i guess I know where this is all going but so hard to walk away I have no family alive and no support network…

What you can do to stop it is end the marriage.

You are not allowed books ?? That alone would be sufficient to make me end a relationship.

Good for your daughter! If he shows this little respect then you MUST go, the best time is ‘as soon as you can’.

Go by a book.
when he tells you you can’t read pick up your phone and tell him your going to film him saying this, and would he like to explain to Facebook. Plus will be good evidence for the divorce.
if you want to go swilling or the gym go. Your not his slave, again pull your phone out if he acts up.

Who gave him the right to rule your life? I fear there will be no change as long as you stay with him, he’s got things sorted to his utter satisfaction. Time to give him the fright of his life! Get out from under his domination asap!

He won’t let you READ?! As a devoted bookworm this has enraged me more than perhaps anything I’ve ever read on Mumsnet.

Who the hell does he think he is, JD Vance? LTB, post haste.

I can imagine it’s daunting to plan leaving without family or a Support network. I would call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline a d get support through them.

If you rent from a HA they should be able to help you too.

It’s not going to be easy, I won’t lie to you, but it’s going to be so much better in the long run. You can’t stay and teach your DD that this level of abuse is ok and you just have to put up with it. Do it for her of you can’t for yourself

You can’t do anything to stop it. Don’t waste time trying and then thinking you’re not trying hard enough. Just walk away. Spending time with your DD is not something you should have to negotiate and all the other things are highly controlling too. If you have to argue with your partner so you can help your DD revise or that you can read a book, go to the gym etc, there’s limited chance of any success as these are such basic freedoms for any adult. There is nothing you have to do but walk away. Speak to people in real life, get what support and plan practically. You deserve better and your DD needs to see that if a relationship is not a good one and people treat you badly, you leave. Good luck x

LTB please

What does he do ? He must have hobbies or do something. Tell him he’s not allowed to do it whatever it is. Have a massive argument if you have to but he needs to see your point.

It’s only going to get even worse. Imagine what your life will be like if you leave and you have freedom from this controlling man. You may need therapy. He is your captor not your DH. Please don’t allow your DD to grow up any longer thinking this is a good relationship.

Leave him
he will not change and will only escalate his behaviour. You say your family are no longer alive, did his behaviour get worse after this or has he always been like this?

I'd advise against antagonising him. Don't know if there's any history of physical abuse but seems like a common path of progression. Filming him is unlikely to change 19 years of this behaviour but may result in him taking her phone from her or restricting her life even further regardless of whether it turns physical. Could make leaving harder. Just make plans to have a bit of money set aside and a place to flit to and then get out of there. Ask friends for help.

Apologies for the shouty caps but I really need you to hear this.

YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE.

You get one life, OP. Don't let ANYONE tell you what you can and cannot do, especially thigs as simple as reading or spending time with your own child!

He's stolen enough from you already.

Time to put your foot firmly down or leave.

You won’t change him and even if you could why would you want to be with some who has so little respect for you and your children. Imagine the freedom when you can do what you like. Do you have friends or family you could talk to as a first step?

I think I’ve hit my limit….its been worse since lock down and I’ve tried….but I think I need to grow a pair and have done with it…tried before and he’s always nice for a while but I’ve learnt it doesn’t stay that way

He says it’s rude as it’s something only I can do and doesn’t involve anyone else

Do you have access to money, OP?

Not allowed books?? What do you say when he says you can't read??? This is horrid. You must leave. There are women's shelters, council help, etc. Do you understand that this is no game to play? You must leave, regardless. Now.

Honestly leave. FIL was a terribly controlling man and became violent. They always do when people start saying no and a big warning sister in law shows a lot of his controlling traits so your DD could be very vulnerable to either similar (narc type behaviour) or alternatively very people pleasing fixing co dependent behaviour from exposure the him. All of DHs siblings have issues after growing up with FIL.