Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

Dont blame yourself, OP. Its very easy to hae been continioned to live like this. Think of the boiling frog equivalent. You are very brave to even think about leaving.
People on here alway recommend talking to Womens Aid and a Freedom Programme.

Sending a hug and lots of strenght!

You’ll be enhancing your children’s life’s not ruining. Do it for yourself, but if you can’t, do it for them. This is not an example of a happy marriage for your children to see.

So tell him that no, you are doing it for the kids as he is such a foul person to live with, and it would destroy their lives if you stayed. And carry on. If he tracks you by the phone, leave the phone behind when you go out to talk to the council about rehousing.

This is a dangerous thing to do as the time most violence occurs is when a woman leaves. You need to find a way to contact the non emergency police number or your local domestic abuse service. Praying for you x

Come on, you know this isnt true. Its perfectly normal and acceptable to be able to read when others are in the room. His behaviour is aggressive and he's trying to put you in your place and he's hitting you where it hurts.

He's unsafe to be around.

Call womens aid or a DV line.

Agree with others, this is abuse. Tell him to stop….which he won’t, or you will report him to the police as this is a crime. Also prepare to ltb.

I had this once. It was pure control. I wasn't allowed to read during the day/evening because I was "just ignoring him" - and I wasn't allowed to read in bed because the light kept him awake.

In reality it was simply because I was focused on something other than him. He couldn't stand it. Needed to be entertained, wouldn't consider picking up a book himself or finding his own thing to do. Like a spoiled child.

"Are you just going sit there and read?" said the self-centred baby.

Reading is a normal pastime. You do not need permission to enjoy it.

Horrific way to live. He sounds like the Taliban.

Can you start making recordings of these instances, so when he turns it round on you, you're able to prove you're not the one whose completely off your rocker?

I cant point you to an exact thread , but there have been lots of them them with concrete advice how to leave a husband like this.

Maybe if you search for "ducks in the row" they will pop up. There are lots other women in similar situations, you are not alone and it not your fault. It must be incredibly hard but I am sure you can do it!

Do not speak to him about it.

Controlling men are very insecure and there’s no way he’s going to amicably separate.

You need to be clever now and not let him suspect anything.

For years you have lived a life that no one would ever want.
You’ve allowed this because he’s convinced you that it’s a normal way to live.

If he is able to have controlled you so much for years, then he is easily able to manipulate you into not leaving him.

Do not say anything.
Focus on what your next steps and how you’re going to leave.
Do it for your children.

Does he go to work during the day?

This will imho break the hell loose. He wont stop.

@Confusednut get your daughter to buy you another phone. Go out without the one he’s tracking for a start.

I hope you can find the strength to leave this situation.

@Confusednut does he not work ?
Tell him you have had enough and your location is going off and if he starts anymore you are going straight to the police .
You are ruining your kids lives staying not by leaving.

It IS a crime. No two ways about it.

OP I know you said you're 40 and you probably feel like it's too late to start again but it isn't.

You can claim all sorts of benefits while you're getting back on your feet, especially as a carer.

Your H is way past redemption. Your only course is a safe exit or calling the police and getting him out. I don't advise trying to get him to change or filming him etc.

NO. She shouldn't tell him anything or give him any warning at all. He controls and tracks her every movement and she has no support network. This would just put her at risk of violence and not being able to leave the house at all.

I agree with pp. Make a doctor's appointment and ask them for help, and continue as normal until there is a safe exit

I think all Boots stores participate in the 'Ask for Ani' code word initiative. If OP goes to a Boots pharmacy and uses this code word, they should take her somewhere private:

'When a victim uses the codeword or asks for help, the member of staff will ask the victim to accompany them to the consultation room. They will then check whether the victim is in danger and wants the police to be called. If so, the staff member will offer the use of a phone to dial 999 or make the call on the victim’s behalf.

If the victim is not in an emergency situation, the staff member will support the victim to contact a national domestic abuse helpline or local support service. They may also contact the police via 101.'

I personally wouldn’t want my daughter thinking this is how a normal relationship should be.

you need to leave if not for you but for your children, it sounds like a turbulent environment to live in for the children.

FWIW OP my ex bought me 25 books to open as an advent calendar.
They were only cheap charity shop ones as we had no money but it was the thought behind it and he bought them purely for me to read and enjoy myself.

I would never allow someone to tell me what I can and can’t do.

I live alone (with DC) and don’t think I’ll ever change it because of stories like this.
I can’t imagine being a grown adult and having someone tell me what I’m allowed to do. Not even my parents tell me what to do anymore.

Please don’t waste the next 20 years of your life with this horror

Do not ever tell him or otherwise explain to him you are leaving.

Can you indeed go to Boots and Ask for Ani?. How else does he try and restrict your movements?.

Don't talk to him.
Buy a cheap PAYG phone in the supermarket (that he cant know about) so you can leave yours at home with the tracking. Call Woman’s Aid and get help to leave him.
Use the same phone to call a solitor any time you go to market or GP and book an appointment (when can you get out without him knowing you are not at home if you leave your tracked phone home?)
Do NOT tell him. He is abusive and you are in real danger when you're planning to leave/right after leaving.
You got this!

The first step out of an abusive relationship is often the most difficult one to take because you have to do that on your own. But it can be done and the longer you stay with him the harder it will feel to make the break.

You would also want better for your children in their relationships; they've seen and heard more than enough abuse from their dad towards you throughout their childhoods.

It sounds like it will be much safer for you to do this secretly OP, as he could get very very nasty once he knows he’s losing control over you.

Could you go to the shops and “forget” to take your phone, and then go to a police station and ask for help? Or asking your GP for help is a good idea if you think you’ll be able to set that up without him suspecting. His level of control and monitoring of you is so extreme that you could be in real danger when you try to leave.

So you say "And? You're on your phone/going to bed. You're not involving anyone else in those activities, sod off and let me read a book".

If he kicks off you tell him to leave or you will.