Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

You don't need 'evidence' for a divorce.

I'm constantly astonished by the way some people think they have the right to control their partners (or any other adult human being) in this way. But I've never been married, haven't been in a relationship for over 20 years, and if it wasn't for MN, I would have no idea what happens in other people's relationships.

As such I'm not in a position to give any advice but many women on here are.

I just want to say I hope things get better for you and soon. No one should have to live this way and you deserve to enjoy life and be free of some man controlling you.

Oh Op, I’m so sorry. This sounds so tough. A lack of financial independence, not allowing you even to read sounds, and that kind of verbal aggressive sounds incredibly controlling. As such, if you felt brave enough to leave, I’m sure there would be support women’s charities and refuge organisations who would be able to help you. Sending you a massive hug and hand hold - you and your kids deserve so much more xxx

Agree. All divorce in England and Wales (not sure about Scotland) is now no fault.

So you don’t need evidence. There is more information on the Goverment website.

You might want to add Why does he do that? to your reading list

I’m so sorry.

Do you know what a normal husband does if his wife likes reading? He thinks about it and decides to buy her the first e-reader that came out in the UK and researches how to download books to it … he replaces it over the years as better more updated versions come in and gets pleasure from making her happy. That’s what’s normal and healthy and is what should be modelled to your child as indicative of a healthy loving relationship.

I hope you manage to get away and make a better life for you and your child.

Oh….ive had this too….starting to see reaching out has just confirmed what I was scared of…I’ve let this happen….shit

This is awful 😞

What do you mean you have let this happen?. You have done nothing here to make him abuse you and in turn your children; that was his own choice to do that. You did not ever drive him to abuse you. He is likely to be a product of his own upbringing; what are his parents like?. And such men too hate women, ALL of them.

I’m sure it didn’t just change one day OP, I’m sure it crept up on you slowly, and sooner or later (now) you wondered how on earth it happened. But it isn’t your fault, and nobody is judging you, so please don’t judge yourself. Give yourself grace and kindness xx

My son has autism and adhd so been a carer for him but I’m sure if I tried to…it would be a no….hes obsessed that I want another man or would cheat….i have told him he’s put me off for life….

Walking away is the correct course of action. He sounds like an absolute weirdo.

Additionally, I wouldn't even consider trying to get him to change his behaviour. IMO, the fact he's done these awful things for so many years proves he's an abusive repugnant person and not deserving of a chance to 'change his ways'.

Oh lovely🥺 sounds like you’re a victim of domestic abuse. It doesn’t always have to be violence, you’re being emotionally abused. My nan was like this her whole life, now she has alzheimers and is trapped with a man who takes delight in bullying and controlling her.

on a child psychologist note, your daughter is going to normalise his behaviour and be at risk for entering abusive relationships.

please don’t let this be yours and your children’s endings. Contact your local domestic abuse charity for support leaving or call the police non emergency number.

always here xx

Sorry OP, this is no way to live. I hope you can leave quickly and find a new life. Maybe talk to womens aid, my friend spoke to them and they offered a set of therapy sessions and it really helped her see the full picture. I would call them in the first instance, even if he is not violent then they will give you some advice on what you can do to get out of the situation.

He has indeed wanted to put you in a cage of his own paranoid making. Your children have also been harmed by them seeing their dad abuse you as their mum.

Again, how can you be helped here into leaving this man?. You need to be brave here and take that first, and often the most difficult of steps out, on your own. It will get easier after that.

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone that has reached out…I’ve felt isolated for so long that I honestly didn’t know who to turn to. My DD shouldn’t have had to stand up for me and I can’t allow this to happen again…I’m honestly scared of starting the process….im not even sure how to get out and do this without him knowing…he has my location so I can’t lie and say I’m going somewhere else then go there….i can’t make phone calls without him hearing….i honestly think I need to speak to him and explain that I need to leave but I know he’ll turn it around on to me and that I’m destroying the kids lives….

he told me he hopes I get cancer and die

You need to split up. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you. He HATES you.

Does he never leave you alone?

Can't change him. Get rid, enjoy your new life getting lost in books, working out and spending lots of time with your daughter.

You are an adult and your partner cannot dictate what you do...

He is abusive OP and you need to get yourself out of this situation and leave him.

WTAF! You aren't allowed to have books? He takes your phone off you? You need urgent help and support from a domestic abuse charity such as Women's Aid or Rights of Women.

This sort of coercive control could be a crime so maybe phone the non-emergency number for the police to discuss what he is doing and what action they might take.

OP get a new phone, in Tesco or somewhere where you go anyway. Then you can use that and leave the phone he tracks behind when you go to speak to a solicitor or women's aid etc.

Book a GP appointment for some random ailment and make the call from there?

Does he work?

If so I'd plan to leave when he's out one day. I'd just go and not tell him until I was gone.

OP can you go to the supermarket on your own? While there, can you call non emergency Police and ask for help to get away?

Or you could book a face to face doctors appointment for a lady issue and go in on your own - something you would have to be seen in person for. Maybe a smear test? Then you can go alone and ask for help xx