Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

I'm So Sorry To Hear You're Going Through This & Most Surely Your Husband Is Being Immensely Controlling
Have You Brought Him Enlightenments Re How He's Pushing You Away & That You Can't Tolerate His Behaviour?
💚🌼💚

Hope you are able to change your life for the better very soon!

Have you rang women’s aid? You are being abused. I really hope they can help you arrange a safe escape from this horrible man.

There is nothing Mumsnet can do to make him a better person or learn not to be abusive. He is an abuser. He has had this pattern, likely, for a very long time.

What we can do is tell you that you deserve to be safe, loved and have autonomy. You deserve to read, connect with your daughter and have happiness in this life. You daughter deserves to see you safe so that this isn't her norm and she doesn't partner with someone who abuses her.

We can't keep you safe but we know you deserve to be safe. Please reach out to Refuge or Women's Aid so that they can help you make a safety plan and do all the steps needed to end the relationship.

We are cheering for you

If you can't yet do this for you. Do it for your child. She is watching and learning.

Sorry Oap I'm not sure if this has already been mentioned but you could contact SSAFA , as you're ex military. They often help with deposits, furniture etc.

Oh my god. I am so sorry OP. He is awful. Absolutely be smart about it but leave - sounds like your DC will thank you for exiting such a toxic situation.

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/living-with-the-dominator-book-pat-craven-9780955882708?sku=GOR001521510&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=17416830390&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIDGlpydZq0WO0-dqLOx70auf&gclid=CjwKCAjwo4rCBhAbEiwAxhJlCTngYqG2khndXCo7nKDs80VvzW0gn78KIMPQWk_NAXvh96dHxGKByRoCwqwQAvD_BwE

this book - and the Freedom Programme - is amazing and very helpful. Maybe get it delivered to a friend/ work so he doesn’t intercept, or find the online version.

You know you need to get out of this. Be safe x

@Confusednut
OP, he is using coercive control, but you need evidence. Please start keeping times and dates of your H's abuse in a secret journal/notebook, be as brief as possible, don't mention him by name in anything that is written, delete your search history online, and try to use your phone to voice record him. Put a screen lock on your phone too. Put recipes and shopping lists in your notebook too, to try and keep things normal. Contact Womens Aid for advice on leaving. I know it must be a difficult time before your daughter's exams, but what you have described is no life, I'm worried for you.

Ditch the man, keep the books. They are your true lifelong companions, not this pathetic smalldickenergy loser.

So if you let him "go mad" and ignore it and go back to reading (or do whatever else), what happens next?

You need to either put your foot down big time and end this behaviour (which is abusive), or end the relationship.

It sounds like you already know the answer but are seeking permission to leave, so here it is, you have permission to leave! Go to the gym and read all the books, show your daughter how you'd want her to be treated by doing it for yourself.

I know you may not feel it right now, but 40 is still young.

You can have years of a wonderful life of reading and spending as much time with your daughter as you want.

Sounds like you’ve been diminished over a long time, so don’t be hard on yourself. The relationship is abusive and unhealthy and that’s bound to have taken a toll on you.

Your first step must be to get you and the children out safely. Seek advice from a domestic abuse charity for that. There are good local ones, as well as the well-known national ones. Don’t let him know you plan to leave. Some men can react very badly if they feel they’re losing control.

Know you have the strength within you to start afresh 💐

Go to the supermarket or somewhere you usually go and when you are there call a domestic violence support network for help and advice. The is a crime. Hope you are ok

If he doesn't work, how do you both manage financially? I think part of the problem is his world, and yours by default, is very small as he doesn't work or have many social interactions. His controlling nature has had free reign because his only primary interest is you. He's got you hemmed in exactly where he wants you.

Omg run away from him , he's not worth the effort of fixing things with even if there was a solution (which there isn't)

There is absolutely no coming back from 'I hope you get cancer and die' op and you surely know it. Even thinking that thought, but actually saying it? He wants you gone so go. This is what you're showing your daughters is normal relationship. Leave for their sake if not your own. Living alone is far better than with someone who can show you such contempt, even if he is 'nicer' on other days.

Do you think maybe he's spent years wearing you down slowly so you put up with his shit, OP?

Because I can't imagine any other response to being told I can't read except a straight up laugh and a booming FUCK OFF.

It's really not normal for these things to happen in a relationship.

Take care OP Stay safe and do what’s best for you and your kids. He needs to go, he’s toxic AF. I hope you get all the support you can ❤️

Meant to add - it was a clever move to tell him you're unhappy if he tends to lay off you for a while.

Hopefully this will mean the leas isn't as tight and you can get a bit of freedom to put the wheels in motion.

Keep coming back here, OP. Reading this will help you stay determined and prioritise yourself and the kids.x.

Clearly, totally unjustifiable and incomprehensible behaviour on his part. Work out a leaving plan for you and your daughter.

Walk away.

You can't fix this.

All I can say is good luck my dear ❤️ you know it’s wrong and honestly bizarre. I hope you get the help and support you need, keep this fire and don’t let his “I’ll get better” bs dampen it! He’s had 20 years to improve!