Husband and best friend flirting, am I going over the top?

[Tallulah1084]

Hi, I’d like some unbiased advice please, thanks very much in advance.

My husband is an avid gym goer. Typical weight lifting body, big arms, big chest etc etc. The last 6 months or so though he’s got a lot bigger, more definition etc.

The other day we bumped into my best friend whilst on a dog walk. She Literaly couldn’t take her eyes off him. Kept telling him how big he was, and this was the best he’s ever looked etc. We didn’t really discuss what she said when she went, he was obviously smiling though, happy with the ego boost.

The next few times I’ve seen her, she banged on about him, and always asking how he is etc. This is strange because I’ve been with my husband 15 years and she’s never asked once how he is, let alone give him a compliment.

A couple of nights ago we were in bed and I noticed he was DMing someone. I asked who and it was my friend. He said she’s replied to 1 of his stories and he was just being polite and replying back.This annoyed me as she’s never messaged him before, let alone privately.

Am I being paranoid and going over the top about her behavior? He has mentioned once or twice in the past that he finds her attractive, so maybe that’s in the back of my mind. Would anyone else say anything to their friend or just let it slide and act unbothered.

Surely it's your DH you should be talking to as a first port of call?

I told him I didn’t want him private messaging my friends because it’s sneaky. He did apologize and just said he was trying to be polite as she was my friend.

Do you trust him and do you trust your friend?

I have no reason not to trust my husband. I just haven’t seen 1st hand anyone that I know he finds attractive flirt with him before so I guess this is new to me.

Putting it bluntly- maybe she does fancy him. You say he's got buff, she's obviously noticed, there is nothing inherently wrong with that. I find lots of people attractive, doesn't mean I'd act on it.

If you really think you can't trust your husband or your best friend to not betray you then that's a different conversation.

Although if in 15 years she's never once asked how your husband is, how much of a best friend is she?

What’s your friends relationship status?

No you are not being paranoid. Best friend no longer. But maybe the old adage keep your enemies close is appropriate here. She is not a friend I would trust.

I’m just surprised she’d say it in front of him rather than tell me. And then messaging him online, something else she has never done before. She has asked how we both are as a couple before, but never how he is personally.

She’s in a relationship but not happy.

I wouldn’t like this at all. I don’t message my friends DHs and can’t imagine doing so unless it was some kind of “arranging a surprise” type scenario.

Similar happened to me, my friend commenting that my DH was good looking etc. They had an affair and I ended up divorcing him. Be very wary OP.

Ask her why she’s started messaging him - call her out on it.

If I was complimenting a friend's partner I'd do it to their face, not to my friend, so that in itself isn't weird to me.

Messaging directly does sound like its unusual for you- but again, I can't believe in 15 years your best friend has never asked how your husband is nor had a reason to message him directly.

I wouldn’t be impressed with your friend.
Think it’s worth saying something but not sure what,hopefully someone will
come along with an idea 💡

Do this she is being sneaky and if you don’t feel it’s right ,then it’s not

They both sound untrustworthy and none too bright. Why do you even know he finds her attractive - I mean he told you this at some point?!

If you want to keep your husband I think you’ll need to dispense with this friend, she needs keeping at a great distance and he needs to be told that messaging her isn’t acceptable.

He’s mentioned before all of his friends find her attractive, and any time they come over or pick him up, they joke about going round her house to see her. I asked him what he thought of her and he said he did find her attractive although she wasn’t his usual type. So take from that what you will.

You can trust someone all you like but I don't see how it stops them being unfaithful or dishonest. Almost every woman alive who's suffered infidelity would probably have trusted her husband wholeheartedly and everyone who's been shat on by a best friend likewise.

Honestly that’s just super weird isn’t it, I remember similar jokes when I was about 22 but I’m assuming you’re at least in your thirties at this kind of thing is a bit sad at that age! Makes me wonder if there’s been some rumour about him and her before.

Yes, both in our 30’s. And completely agree how juvenile it is. Before she has said a few times he was too old for her, she’s about 5 years younger. Then the other day he mentioned something about being old, and she was like ‘Your not old, and you look great for your age too’. So 🤷‍♂️

This is very disrespectful- also "all my friends find her attractive" is a cover, as is "yeah but she's not my usual type". He definitely fancies her- which as I said I don't think in itself is an issue, but telling you like that is.

I dont think shes really your friend ! There was a thread on here recently of a lady whose friends DH had left her .The lady and her DH went out of their way to include "friend" in everything .So " friend "and the DH had an affair! I would try and avoid her as much as possible.This is not a popular view but many Affairs start like this, and dont end well. Lots of women who are unhappy in RL will start to flirt for attention, and many men are flattered. 2 plus 2 equals affair

Umm I don’t think she is your best friend OP….

If she was, you’d have felt comfortable to be like “ok I get he’s hot, give it a rest” or take the piss at her staring.

She seems like a snake (and he seems like he loves the attention).

Call him out on encouraging it and ask him not to reply. Could you ask to see the messages?

call her out too! That’s not friend behaviour.

YANBU - sorry you've got such a shit friend. Most likely they do fancy each other - but you don't have to be passive in this. If you want to preserve your relationship, call them both out, loudly and pointedly.

Message your crap friend directly and point out it's inappropriate. Tell your partner it upsets you. Hopefully he values your relationship enough that he'll stop. If he doesn't then I'm afraid you probably have your answer anyway.

In the past he’s said he felt uncomfortable around her, like she had some kind of issue with him, a bit of a weird vibe. He seemed fine with her the other day though when she was complimenting him.