Husband and best friend flirting, am I going over the top?

[Tallulah1084]

Hi, I’d like some unbiased advice please, thanks very much in advance.

My husband is an avid gym goer. Typical weight lifting body, big arms, big chest etc etc. The last 6 months or so though he’s got a lot bigger, more definition etc.

The other day we bumped into my best friend whilst on a dog walk. She Literaly couldn’t take her eyes off him. Kept telling him how big he was, and this was the best he’s ever looked etc. We didn’t really discuss what she said when she went, he was obviously smiling though, happy with the ego boost.

The next few times I’ve seen her, she banged on about him, and always asking how he is etc. This is strange because I’ve been with my husband 15 years and she’s never asked once how he is, let alone give him a compliment.

A couple of nights ago we were in bed and I noticed he was DMing someone. I asked who and it was my friend. He said she’s replied to 1 of his stories and he was just being polite and replying back.This annoyed me as she’s never messaged him before, let alone privately.

Am I being paranoid and going over the top about her behavior? He has mentioned once or twice in the past that he finds her attractive, so maybe that’s in the back of my mind. Would anyone else say anything to their friend or just let it slide and act unbothered.

Trust your instincts. I think she is not a good friend!! You should put on a united front.

You are concerned she's turning his head, but still you are allowing her to be around him!
Back off! She isn't your friend. She's heading into his pants and when she finally gets there you will be out on your ear!
He says hes only friendly replyjng with her cos she's your friend. That's easily solved, go and give her the Chinese burn and promise hell ffire if you so much as suspect she hasn't dissolved in the rain!

You're allowing yourself to be bled out.
Grow a pair and get to battle stations. This beach isn't a friend, if you don't cut it now you will find out just how unfriendly she truly is.

Even though you are well within your rights, it's so hard to say something to friend without them then playing the 'shock face' 'Gosh controlling/jealous/unreasonable/calm down/just mates' act. And then she gets to send an 'innocent' cheeky message to your H along the lines of 'Oh dear WE seem to have upset Tallulah'. I've seen that happen and suddenly they are aligned as the reasonable 'just friends' and you are unreasonable and isolated.

On that basis, I would be firm with your partner. He is the one who is meant to show you loyalty. You are uncomfortable so can he please nip it in the bud.

And then if you do see her, you can make a flip/throwaway comment about her flirting with him as part of a wider conversation if you feel you'd like to make a point. But you need the assurance from your partner that you aren't going to end up with egg on your face before you do say anything to her.

Well you lost me at this post.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who thinks it's appropriate to discuss your pals sexual attractiveness with his pals and actually tell you he finds her attractive himself?
No wonder he is lapping up her attention and probably boasting about it to his pals.
Honestly OP does he really understand what marriage is supposed to mean? And is she really your friend?

Are you sure there’s nothing else going on?? Are they definitely at the gym?!

Just being polite? Oh please, he’s after an ego boost - only you don’t know how far he’ll take it.

She’s not your best friend.

Isn’t this easily solved by calling your friend and asking her why she’s private messaging your husband and flirting with him in front of you?

It puts your husband in an uncomfortable position. I’d feel pressure to respond to one of DH’s friends if they messaged me, simply out of politeness. I’d let the ‘friend’ know this.

I don’t think DH has done anything wrong. You haven’t said that he’s been flirting back, and he let you know about the messages.

One of the things that comes to mind is, next time she messages him, YOU reply. 'hey Jen, it's Tally. Toms busy at the moment, can I help you?'
See how she likes the not knowing who she's going to get when she messages him. Could even make it into a joke with DH, thinking of scenarios of what he's busy with together, so she takes the hint yous are taking the piss a little bit.

'Hey Tom, you at gym tomorrow?'
'Hi Jen, it's Tally. He's currently servicing Ethel from next door, her washer is playing up. Then he's keeping her company with a game of Chess, thrilling stuff y'know!'

As for your husband, ideally yeah, he needs to completely blank her or bare minimum be civil. He knows she's attracted to him, no need to fan the embers. He needs to respect your feelings above hers if he's loyal to you, imo.

My exhusband was 30 , married to me and the father of 2. He was the finance director of a local company and had a company car. As far as I knew we were happily married. One day he had a problem with the car so he went to work on his huge motorbike . He was dressed from head to foot in black leathers and a full face helmet. The women in the cash office were very impressed with this 'new' look apparently ( he told me. He had obviously enjoyed the reaction). One of the cash officer people was a 17 year old girl. They had an affair and he left me and our 3 and 2 year old sons and moved into a flat with her. Keep your eyes open Op.

She is not your friend!

OP make sure he understands that you’re uncomfortable with this. I agree with other posters in that your first port of call for a chat is with him, not your friend. It sounds like she’s making the running - he says he’s responding out of politeness, but that polite attitude should be shutting it down and making it clear it’s inappropriate. And you need to make it very clear that there will be consequences if he doesn’t. I’d find it very difficult not to give your friend both barrels, but I think the quiet approach first and be vigilant. If there’s any hint that it’s carrying on then you read them both the riot act. His loyalty should be to you and if you’re uncomfortable with the contact he should stop it in its’ tracks.

It doesn’t sound like your DH has done anything massively wrong - he’s flattered by the attention , he’s working hard on his body and it’s probably nice that it’s been noticed but he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. He shouldn’t have really replied to the message , but he genuinely could have just been being polite - he’s said he won’t again and he has told you when she’s messaged him so he’s being open and honest with you.

As for your ‘friend’ she has totally crossed the line. It’s downright rude ( and embarrassing) to drool over your friends husband in front of you and then she’s private messaged him? I can’t think of a single reason that I have , or ever would , message a friends partner or any man that had a partner ! I wouldn’t trust her at all .

Cut the friend out she isnt a friend. He needs to delete her pure and simple. If he knows how it is making you feel he chooses her or you

@Nothankyov , what about social media posts and pics where he gets comments wihch are open ended like wow lovely picture, where was this ?
Does he not reply to those? cos OPs DH was replying to a comment on an SM story which could have been replying to a question or saying thanks to a compliment

He’s not being open and honest at all. OP asked who he was messaging because she saw him do it. If he wasn’t shutting the contact down with his ‘polite’ message then he absolutely has done something wrong. And he knows it.

Then why didn’t he volunteer the information that it was OP’s friend ? Why did she have to ask ?

OP, as far as your BFF goes, I think its not massively wrong to compliement a friends DH on getting gymed up (or whatever the term is) and looking nicer , esp if shes a naturally effervescent chatty person ? only you can tell if it is out of character that she would say that to any friends OH?

Also, a comment on a story isnt wrong on its own - I think its the combo of these things that are showing a recent new pattern that is making us all agree with you, yes she seems to be getting a crush and is not even worried about the fact that you may have noted and been upset by it ? Dumb BFF.....

Definitley seems suspicious to me. I would never dream of replying to my friends husbands Facebook story. Come to think of it, I don’t have any of their husbands on social media.

Trust your gut OP.

My understanding here is that OP saw him replying as soon as the message came in and asked and was told , whos to say he wouldnt have turned to her off his own accord a few minutes later and said Susan has said nice pic and I have replied thanks ?

Its Susan who is showing a pattern here ? and Yes hes flattered but not in the wrong yet ?

I would be really unhappy if any of my friends were private messaging my DH. It’s not ok. I would never message a friends husband , I message my friend. It’s disrespectful and she is stirring up trouble.

I do have friends who comment and reply on my husbands posts and pics on SM platforms and yes it does seem be increasingly common to have your friends' partners on your friends list on SM as well .....Maybe I need better female friends too :-)

Start with your husband and tell him to cut all contact and as for her I’m assuming she is not with someone ? How can an adult woman just behave that way ? Next time you see her ask her if she is in heat or need a few ice patches or maybe a reminder on how to behave

Nope! You have a very low bar if you think that it’s acceptable.
Especially from ‘friends’.

I think you’re blowing this out of proportion ! I would definitely respond to a friends husband story on Instagram if I’d not long seen them or if it was relevant. Wouldn’t even cross my mind not to?