Husband and best friend flirting, am I going over the top?

[Tallulah1084]

Hi, I’d like some unbiased advice please, thanks very much in advance.

My husband is an avid gym goer. Typical weight lifting body, big arms, big chest etc etc. The last 6 months or so though he’s got a lot bigger, more definition etc.

The other day we bumped into my best friend whilst on a dog walk. She Literaly couldn’t take her eyes off him. Kept telling him how big he was, and this was the best he’s ever looked etc. We didn’t really discuss what she said when she went, he was obviously smiling though, happy with the ego boost.

The next few times I’ve seen her, she banged on about him, and always asking how he is etc. This is strange because I’ve been with my husband 15 years and she’s never asked once how he is, let alone give him a compliment.

A couple of nights ago we were in bed and I noticed he was DMing someone. I asked who and it was my friend. He said she’s replied to 1 of his stories and he was just being polite and replying back.This annoyed me as she’s never messaged him before, let alone privately.

Am I being paranoid and going over the top about her behavior? He has mentioned once or twice in the past that he finds her attractive, so maybe that’s in the back of my mind. Would anyone else say anything to their friend or just let it slide and act unbothered.

She’s crossing a boundary and your DH needs to present a united front with you - of get lost

Your DH is being a typical dumb bloke and being driven entirely by his dick and ego here. I would be furious and I’d be spelling out to him in no uncertain terms what the consequences of his ‘responding to her texts to be polite’ means if he takes it to its conclusion. He may be so flattered he won’t care, but then you’ll at least know where you stand and you can get your ducks in a row for when you dump him.

I would ask her why she’s start messaging him but infer that he volunteered that information rather than u just seeing the msg coming in. She’ll think twice about messaging him again if she thinks he’s telling you voluntarily

Honestly it depends on the friend. My best friend lives close and spends a lot of time with us and sometimes I refer to her as my sister wife. DP sometimes calls her his second wife. I don’t mind this because I know she would never do anything, even tho she does think he’s handsome. My sister on the other hand has a history of flirting with my boyfriends so if she ever said anything remotely flirty to him I would hit the roof. I do not trust her.

It all comes down to how much you trust this woman, but from the sounds of it if I was you I wouldn’t be having it.

Also, no replying to be polite. He’s your husband, he only needs to worry about being polite to you.

Tallulah1084 It seems strange .But I think that she fancies him ,and him being uncomfortable with her before may have been part of that.I would cool the friendship right down now .Your DH seems trustworthy ,but she seems disloyal to you .Again not popular view here, but some women will come on to friends DH, because it seems safe.Flirt and most men will be flattered one thing leads to another .I would nip it in the bud right now .Make any excuses ,busy with work,Dont feel well DC playing up

This.

She finds him attractive, she is in an unhappy relationship and she's sending him private messages on social media. He's also admitted he finds her attractive and now even more so probably as she's given him a massive ego boost.

@Screamingabdabz says it perfectly and I would tell him exactly the consequences of him continuing to message her and then leave it there. It may or may not stop him but either way, you have made your feelings clear.

My antennae are twitching for you. Why does her unhappy relationship give her a pass into your marriage and what triggered his additional keenness at the gym six months ago? Tell her to stop stroking his ego and messaging him. Tell him to show respect for you or take a hike.

He just said he wanted to intensify his workouts. Now he spends like 2 hours there at a time, every day. He’s 100 percent flattered, and 100 percent showing off to all his gym friends about it.

She openly couldn’t take his eyes off him and complimented him repeatedly.

He has told you that he finds her attractive.

She is messaging him privately and he is responding.

She’s not your friend and I’d be coming down hard on this. It needs nipping in the bud immediately.

Nip that shit in the bud now

The first compliment wasn’t so bad, as a one-off comment. That alone I wouldn’t worry about

Its the change in relationship since which is of concern. Ie. The private messaging, and secrecy. I’d be even more worried if she started going to the gym (and is he always at the gym?).

nip it in the bud. I would ask my friend why she’s messaging him privately all of a sudden and I’d come down hard on him too.

They are both being inappropriate. He should be shutting that shit down and distancing himself not engaging in "friendly" chit chat on social media. I'd rip him a new one.

I'd tell her as well. I don't like you flirting with my husband or commenting on his body. Stop.

She isn't your friend

I would have to speak to her in person (with another friend present) and ask her why she's messaging your husband. You need to let her know you're onto her and that you're not keeping it secret from others, either.

Omg I completely forgot to say aswel. She put a story up the other day about being at the gym ( she barely goes, it’s more attention seeking than anything ). My husband commented saying well done or something along those lines, and she wrote back about him helping her out 1 day. He showed me the message and didn’t write back, but still. It seems he likes the attention too much. He’s either being naive or he’s getting a kick out of the flirting.

You need to nip this in the bud with her. Message her asking why she is DMing your husband and say that you both find it weird and inapporpriate. Embarass the fuck out of her by including him in agreeing that it's not okay.

She’s in a long term relationship-ish. She’s said she basically stuck with him because of the children.

He needs more than attention from you and enjoys “showing off”. He’s ripe for her atm and whatever he tells you he’s not that naive.

Dig your heels in firmly OP, with both of them.

Everyone can see what way this is going. Don’t accept just being friendly, it all has to stop.

Years ago I had a situation where my neighbour, who'd recently become single, suddenly started showing a keen interest in my husband. She started asking him round to do jobs for her, always seemed to be when I was at work. After a few occasions I told him I wasn't happy with him going round there being alone with her during the day. He stopped immediately, told her he was too busy etc. It might have seemed controlling on my part but I wasn't happy so I told him. I did trust him but I just felt uneasy about it. She'd told me in the past that an estate agent she'd had round had made a pass at her, she didn't know I'd been to college with him and knew he was gay. She also told me her next door neighbour's dh used to flirt with her, so alarm bells rang when she started showing an interest in my dh. In your situation, as it's your close friend, I'd tell her directly not to message your dh again and I'd cut all contact with her. She's no friend.

I agree.
Especially re. their brightness...

No point in going over wat he said and she said. Tell him he's crossing a boundary and if he continues to entertain her the marriage is over and means it

You also need to tell her you don't appreciate her messages and comments to your husband. Tel her they make you uncomfortable and if it continues the friendship is over.

Not really sure why you didn't speak to her before

Just to add, you need to let her know that he's told you about the messages - shut down any idea she has that she's got this little secret thing going on that he's hiding from you, and she's making a fool out of herself.

The compliment wouldn't bother me but the rest of her behaviour would.

Its respect at the end of the day, maybe if she mentions him again you should jokingly say Do you fancy him or something... Just to let her know.

Dont think I'd feel comfortable with a friend like that though.

More so it's your husband's response to her as I would expect mine to have a clear boundary.