Husband and best friend flirting, am I going over the top?

[Tallulah1084]

Hi, I’d like some unbiased advice please, thanks very much in advance.

My husband is an avid gym goer. Typical weight lifting body, big arms, big chest etc etc. The last 6 months or so though he’s got a lot bigger, more definition etc.

The other day we bumped into my best friend whilst on a dog walk. She Literaly couldn’t take her eyes off him. Kept telling him how big he was, and this was the best he’s ever looked etc. We didn’t really discuss what she said when she went, he was obviously smiling though, happy with the ego boost.

The next few times I’ve seen her, she banged on about him, and always asking how he is etc. This is strange because I’ve been with my husband 15 years and she’s never asked once how he is, let alone give him a compliment.

A couple of nights ago we were in bed and I noticed he was DMing someone. I asked who and it was my friend. He said she’s replied to 1 of his stories and he was just being polite and replying back.This annoyed me as she’s never messaged him before, let alone privately.

Am I being paranoid and going over the top about her behavior? He has mentioned once or twice in the past that he finds her attractive, so maybe that’s in the back of my mind. Would anyone else say anything to their friend or just let it slide and act unbothered.

@Tallulah1084 , agree with those saying your DH hasnt done anything wrong. Yet. However, he needs to think about how he would feel if this was one of his friends salivating over you - he would be imagining throwing a punch and a lot more besides.

Your friend needs to know that she didnt get away with this. or wouldnt be able to get away with this anymore.

Have your DH to send her a message saying to her that on reflection he found her sudden attention over the top and disrespectful to you his lovely wife who he feels has always been a good friend to her and its time she started acting like someone who deserves your gracious friendship. Then he should say he hasnt discussed any of this with you yet, and you are oblivious at the moment but one single more response or step from her other than silence - and he will be confiding to you about her over the top flirting on his stories etc.

You act normal to her , on the surface for a while and let the friendship fade out to nothing gradually.

Also have him say in the message that he is worried she may have the wrong impression that he is looking for a bit of attention on the side and that is not him at all. And he wants to reiterate that he is in a loving marriage crazy about his lovely wife and absolutely adores his DC and she needs to be looking elsewhere herself for any attention on the side if she is currently unhappy. That should be a bucket of cold water on lil miss 's head.

This
No-one else should come close

op, you need to have a chat with her, make her feel pathetic and small.

You're being too nice and passive!

Update. Omg, you know when things happen and then older things from the past start to add up? 3 months ago we moved house, and my friend turned up twice when she knew I was at work, and that my husband would be home. She even took a selfie of them both one time and sent it to me, saying she’s getting showed round our house. My husband said it was quite awkward both times as she’d never really spoke to him before, but she was chatting like they were best friends. We both thought it was strange but didn’t think anything more of it. Looking back now though …

Right… and neither of you think she’s being a bit creepy and maybe needs brought down a peg?

“Hey Susan I don’t know how to say this any different but I’ve noticed how thirsty you’re being towards DH and he’s expressed a few times now that it’s making him uncomfortable. I’m saying this as a friend because I love you but it’s getting a bit embarrassing to watch and I think you need to back off a little.”

I am of course going to talk to her. I wanted to get opinions 1st that I wasn’t being over the top. Clearly I’m not so the conversation needs to happen. I’m pretty sure she’ll just play it down though.

You need to stand your ground and have a few cutting lines to take her off guard. She is making your dh uncomfortable. She is embarrassing herself and crossing the line with your partner. You understand she isn’t happy with her own relationship but throwing herself at happily taken men is shameful behaviour and will lose her her friends.

If a friend kept coming round when i wasn't home then messaging him like this I wouldn't be happy at all. I don't think you're overreacting at all, would your husband like one of his mates doing the same? Doubt it.

Good luck and don't let her minimise your feelings either.

If you are going to talk to her, make sure she understands that the conversation is on behalf of BOTH of you. Don't let her do the thing where she tries to approach your H afterwards along the lines of "whoops, I think we've upset Tallulah with our friendship".

Make it clear that you speak for your H as well and put her right back in her box.l

If you talk to your friend, brace yourself as you may well hear things about your husband you won't particularly like. I find it very difficult to believe that an attractive adult man would be innocently messaging your friend, lapping up her compliments without realising she was interested in him. Your friend may have messages to share that you won't like.

I think you need to be careful how you play this. I assume you have mutual friends?

Whilst it’s agreed when you add all the behaviour up it’s inappropriate and disloyal, on their own each incident can easily be explained.

If you go in blazing she will likely turn it around to people to make you look completely unreasonable and crazy.

A calm, lighthearted ‘do you fancy my husband? I told him he’s probably over thinking but you have been really over familiar all of a sudden and it’s made him feel a bit uncomfortable. I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by it, but maybe lay off showing up when I’m not around and messaging him? I just don’t want him to be put in an uncomfortable position.’

I still think you should get your husband to unfriend/block/let her know her behaviour is not welcome curtly .....and to tell her he will escalate this matter to you if she doesnt stop

and you should just act like you are unaware for now. This will absolutely nip anything further with them in the bud - you approaching her will just be giving her attention and importance and make you seem insecure - I have a friend who handled this situation in this way and till today she still has the other person on her friend list in SM at least, and got the husband to block

It is worth even feeling like you are overreacting to your husband to get him to do this - he would expect you to block if one of his friends had a crush on you . friend in reality no more.

She'll downplay it because you're being too nice.

Just be straight with her and then get rid. She's not a friend.

Lots of good advice here and there would be nothing wrong in speaking to the friend. She deserves to be called out as any wrongful behaviour should be.
The other angle is how partners should behave to protect their relationships.
I was in a dynamic with a man - work related and purely platonic on my part. I cottoned on to vibes that he was creeping on me. All subtle moments individually, but it was adding up.
I blocked the man without any explanation and ghosted him.
I told my DP who was very supportive. DP and I have agreed that should this man contact me again and get around the current blocks, I will tell DP, who will reply to this man on my behalf.
As partners, there are ways we can protect our relationships/ spouses.

I would think they are up to something to be honest. They are at the gym together a lot and he's got bigger. Could he be trying to impress her?
And your latest update about them being at the house together.

I would be enraged if a best friend did this. Tell her to leave your man alone and tell him to stop pandering to it and to block her!

I wouldn't talk to her - I agree with the pp that she could slag you off to other people and in a weird way you'd be singled out when you should be united with your dH.

I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he was to delete her off SM and not chat to her at the gym or anywhere, be rude if necessary.

I'd go LC with her myself. She has overstepped. Don't doubt yourself.

I'm saying this as someone who was in a very similar position. I had a thread up here about a friend who was doggedly contacting and flirting with my husband - there was a landslide yanbu response. I stepped right away from the friendship and didn't bother explaining why. I see her now about once a year. I feel so relieved

I was once possibly on the other side. I'm friends with a couple for decades; moreso the wife. The husband was getting back into running and at a group gathering we arranged for go out for some runs. I checked with the wife if she minded, she laughed and said of course not. She was either pregnant or had recently given birth. Yes I know now looking back how tone deaf I was. I messaged him twice to see if he was free, he ignored me so I left it. The next time there was an in-person gathering he said to me very clearly "I'm very busy so we won't be going on any runs".

Some time around then I was delivering furniture for them. I arrived at the house and the wife (my main friend) wasn't there. I came in and chatted as per usual. He offered me a cup of coffee then said he didn't mean to be rude but had lots of work to do so I could let myself out when I was done. He then handed me the coffee and walked out closing the door.

It was a huge change in the usual dynamic (I'd always been a friend of the couple ) so I pondered on it as while. I deduced that my wife - pregnant or recently pregnant - was not enjoying being stuck in the middle of everyone else drinking, having fun, organising fitness pursuits etc that she couldn't join in on and certainly wasn't happy with me, her then single friend being so chummy with her husband. She was pretty down in general then, I remember she didn't feel good about significant weight gain.

My cheeks still flush even now when I think of it, how I hadn't copied how insensitive I was being.

I stepped right back but had so much admiration though for him and them as a couple, how he prioritised his wife's feelings (I don't think he thought I was flirting with him for a second) and took immediate steps to reassure her.

Her intentions don't matter. His reaction DOES.