Husband and best friend flirting, am I going over the top?

[Tallulah1084]

Hi, I’d like some unbiased advice please, thanks very much in advance.

My husband is an avid gym goer. Typical weight lifting body, big arms, big chest etc etc. The last 6 months or so though he’s got a lot bigger, more definition etc.

The other day we bumped into my best friend whilst on a dog walk. She Literaly couldn’t take her eyes off him. Kept telling him how big he was, and this was the best he’s ever looked etc. We didn’t really discuss what she said when she went, he was obviously smiling though, happy with the ego boost.

The next few times I’ve seen her, she banged on about him, and always asking how he is etc. This is strange because I’ve been with my husband 15 years and she’s never asked once how he is, let alone give him a compliment.

A couple of nights ago we were in bed and I noticed he was DMing someone. I asked who and it was my friend. He said she’s replied to 1 of his stories and he was just being polite and replying back.This annoyed me as she’s never messaged him before, let alone privately.

Am I being paranoid and going over the top about her behavior? He has mentioned once or twice in the past that he finds her attractive, so maybe that’s in the back of my mind. Would anyone else say anything to their friend or just let it slide and act unbothered.

I had a friend who was mad about my ex boyfriend and she came for dinner one night.

He cooked, chicken, veg and spuds......next day she texts him asking for the recipe.....what now.

I'm no longer friends with her.

Call your friend and her shit out immediately! I'd tell her to her face that she's a cunt and to fuck off.

Don't sit on this op, she is sniffing around your husband and that's that.

What a dangerous bitch!

My ‘best friend’ from school slept with my partner when I was out for the day with my baby so it does happen. I would be cautious of the pair of them and I don’t think I would trust her as it seems she’s openly flirting and your husband is soaking in the attention. What did you say when she asked how your husband was? She’s giving red flags to me. 🚩 I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the private messaging each other either, her replying to something was a way to start a conversation with him and see what happens.

Your friendship is over. She's unhappy at home and she's working at starting something with your husband. The sudden behavioural change, talking about him and the constant compliments, the messaging, and that message about him helping her in the gym all show that.

I don't know if you have kids but a so called friend deliberately going after the best friend's husband and trying to bust up her long term marriage is really low and I couldn't stay friends.

I’ve always had a strict rule in my life since I was a teenager. Never mess around with your girlfriend’s bloke . Even if you have the fattest crush. Girlfriend always comes first.
a loyal friend would not go there.

In my current friendship, my good friends husband puts on a bit of flirting act at times, I laugh it off lightly but I’d NEVER contact him privately or respond to any messages. I think he may have wished me a few happy birthdays but that’s it. I would say thanks and leave it there. I’m pretty sure it’s all jokey but regardless I am SUPER careful as my friend is the most important person to me and I care about her.
Being the child of a father who had multiple affairs and watching the enormous pain and heartache it caused my mum and the mess it causes I will take that rule to my grave.
I think it’s pretty awful you are in a position where you have to feel like this. Focus aon your husband relationship wise abut also boosting your own self esteem and confidence with your own hobbies and other friends

Tell him to delete her completely off social media, his response will tell you if there’s anything in it

Your DH has mentionitis. He’s saying ‘my friends find her attractive’ etc because he does and he’s thinking about her. He’s not being respectful to you. But then maybe it’s better to know what’s in his head than secrets 🤷‍♀️

your friend… well I’d see less of her if I were you!

Your friend sounds out of order and your husband's boundaries sound lax as hell.

Tell him to tuck hos ego and dick away and engage his brain, because his behaviour so far doesn't show him in a good light.

You also need to tell your friend (probably no more) that she's being highly inappropriate and needs to catch a grip.

So your best friend is acting like a love-sick puppy towards your husband and doesn't even try to hide from you that she is obsessed with him. Your husband is encouraging this by messaging her privately. He also has implied to you that he'll end up the envy of his friends if he got with her.

They are both looking to cheat and are non too subtle about it. Not sure you can stop them though. Question is, what do you want to do, knowing their behavior?

I think the fact that your DH told you about the first message asking for his help at the gym and he didn’t reply is a good thing. Could he ask one of his other friends or someone at the gym to help her out? That might send her the right message.

Also agree with a pp that bringing it up as if he’s been openly sharing this stuff with you might put her off too (DH said that you messaged him x and made him feel uncomfortable, and then showed me x message the other day and we agreed it would be polite to respond but, it’s making him uncomfortable).

Say to her “ What do you think you have, that I don’t have?apart from no morals”

Definitely this...seemingly being lighthearted about it and letting her know your DH told you is the way to go.

If you let on that you are concerned she will see an opportunity to message your DH asking if she's upset Tallulah and other fakery and faux concern...and they'll start discussing you leading to nore secret exchanges. Deprive her of that particular angle.

Your husband needs to be more respectful of boundaries. I'd put it all out in bright sunlight, exactly what's bothering you and why. He should know better, but it's all too easy to let what starts out as ego-stroking grow into something more. At least talking openly about it lets him know that you're aware of the situation, actively monitoring it, and taking it seriously. I'd tell him plainly that if he values what you have together, he needs to put your feelings above the thrill of flattery and studiously avoid her and even a hint of impropriety. If he's not prepared to do that, I think I'd take that as a confession that he's no longer committed to you.

As for your friend, I'd be tempted to cut her off completely, though I'm not sure if I'd tell her why or just gradually stop communication. She's not behaving like a true friend, and I'd never trust her again or want to confide in her, so what's the point? She's like poison, and the further I could get from her, the better!

ETA: Actually, haven read OchreRaven's suggestion, that's what I'd do. The best way to kill any burgeoning passion is to make her feel ridiculous and embarrassed.

As others have said you need to make her aware he's sharing these messages with you so she doesn't think they're being all secretive.

If she says or messages something else I'd have a word (in-person). If you do it by text it has potential to become an argument.

Why is your husband entertaining her? He needs to block her number and social media.

She's no longer your friend, and I'd let her know why. Both she and your husband are being disrespectful.

haven't read all currently five pages of this thread.

Tell her to pack it in (and obviously him too.)

She is so not your friend. I can't even for a moment imagine behaving like that with a friend's husband - actually anybody's husband. I have no doubt that she is planning having your husband as a replacement for her obviously more puny partner. Tell her that she is making a fool of herself and drop the friendship completely. Give your husband a good talking to as well because he is surely not so thick that he doesn't know where this kind of behaviour ends up.

I didn’t realise replying on someone’s story was a private DM, I just assumed everyone could see it?

Three things are happening here.

1. He's got very low self esteem or is narcissistic, so enjoys the situation.
2. She is testing the boundaries and likely wants to sleep with him
3. You are being too soft on her - who is the protagonist here.

She's after him. Keep a close eye.

She's no friend of yours anymore.

You’re not over the top, your gut is picking up on something that’s clearly shifted. The compliments, sudden interest in your husband, and now private DMs? That’s not typical “friendly” behavior, especially if it’s never happened before in 15 years.

It’s not about being jealous, it’s about boundaries and respect. She’s your best friend, and even if she’s just being flirty without bad intentions, it’s crossing a line. The fact that your husband has admitted he finds her attractive once or twice in the past doesn’t help either, it adds to why this feels uncomfortable for you, and that’s totally valid.

You don’t have to go in guns blazing, but I’d definitely keep an eye on the dynamic. You could bring it up calmly to your husband, not accusing, just asking for openness. And with your friend, maybe a light but pointed comment next time she brings him up, like: “You’re really into his gym progress lately, huh? 😂” just enough to make her pause.

If something feels off, you’re allowed to say something. Trust your instincts.

Do you have children?

I’d be calling her out straight away and telling her it wasn’t acceptable and cut all ties, she is not your friend, she is also super disrespectful doing it in front of you, please don’t let anyone treat you like that.

You are surrounded by very horrible people in your life.

An egotistical man and a rapacious friend.

Move in different circles.

How awful.

I belong to a walking group and have got friendly with a woman, we arranged to meet out of the group. I had showed her a pic of myself and the other half on holiday and she had said he is really good looking. We are both married and very similar ages. When we met and were sharing news and then photos of day trips I said here is one of DH and I and she literally snatched the phone out of my hand and enlarged the photo sort of zooming in on him. Needless to say I’m not pursuing a close friendship with her. It’s not even about trusting a partner it’s just horrendous to witness.

I wouldn’t trust either of them.
You need to have words with your ‘friend’ about her actions and why she would think it’s normal behaviour. Tell her you’re not happy. Then unless you’re totally happy with her response you should drop her like a stone.
You need to have a talk with H about how inappropriate it is.
2 hours at gym each day is excessive - will she turn up there??