Husband and best friend flirting, am I going over the top?

[Tallulah1084]

Hi, I’d like some unbiased advice please, thanks very much in advance.

My husband is an avid gym goer. Typical weight lifting body, big arms, big chest etc etc. The last 6 months or so though he’s got a lot bigger, more definition etc.

The other day we bumped into my best friend whilst on a dog walk. She Literaly couldn’t take her eyes off him. Kept telling him how big he was, and this was the best he’s ever looked etc. We didn’t really discuss what she said when she went, he was obviously smiling though, happy with the ego boost.

The next few times I’ve seen her, she banged on about him, and always asking how he is etc. This is strange because I’ve been with my husband 15 years and she’s never asked once how he is, let alone give him a compliment.

A couple of nights ago we were in bed and I noticed he was DMing someone. I asked who and it was my friend. He said she’s replied to 1 of his stories and he was just being polite and replying back.This annoyed me as she’s never messaged him before, let alone privately.

Am I being paranoid and going over the top about her behavior? He has mentioned once or twice in the past that he finds her attractive, so maybe that’s in the back of my mind. Would anyone else say anything to their friend or just let it slide and act unbothered.

Exactly this. And once or twice a month him and a few friends do an ‘intense work out’ where they’re in the gym the majority of the day. He’s self employed so basically works when he likes.

And so your “attractive younger friend” has taken note of which 2 hours he’s there and decided to just pop in for her own workouts at coincidentally the same times..? So he can get up close enough to “help with her workouts” ?

Meanwhile you are where? Home alone? Cleaning his dirty gym clothes?

Gross behaviour. Time for a wake up call. This certainly should be one.

So basically he said he’s only seen her in ther gym once. She asked for loads of advice etc, but because he was too busy with his ‘gym buddy’ he only spoke for a few minutes with her. So sounds like she’s exaggerating the interaction.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with her friend noticing her DH is attractive. That’s not even in her control. However DM’ing your friends DH who you find attractive is wrong. Especially if you’ve made no effort to chat to him or ask how he is over the last 15 years. Now he’s buff she’s suddenly dm’ing him. That’s 100% wrong in my view

Deliberately and so you can see it. She wants you to think she is a threat. She is trying to be a threat. Have words now. Put her in her place. This is not
a friend

Yeah same
One friend's DH makes personalised things to sell so I messaged him once to get a quote and that's it!

@Tallulah1084 two things from me.

1. she’s not your best friend - if she was she wouldn’t message him directly. The only time I messaged my best friends husbands/partners is I’m either arranging a birthday present and want confirmation they don’t have it or we had brunch and she’s too drunk to get herself home 🤦🏽‍♀️ and
2. your husband shouldn’t be replying - my husband doesn’t reply to any woman unless it’s work, his mother or his sister…. Or again my friends as we are out and I’m too drunk to get home and he needs to pick me up! No ifs no buts no coconuts.

I think I need the ‘boundary’ chat with him again. Not that I should have to. In the past some of my friends have openly flirted with him but he hasn’t cared or taken any notice because ‘they’re not attractive’.

Ugh not a friend at all. Sounds like your H gets it if he’s not tried to minimise her behaviour, can see it for what it is and agreed not to respond to her messages.

At this point you have to trust him if she’s just going to be showing up to the gym whenever he is around.

I would definitely be meeting up with her for that ‘chat’ soon but cannot emphasise this enough don’t come at it with a ‘don’t take my man’ attitude. It will just make her more competitive. She’s not a friend. You need to come at it from a ‘girl have you got a crush on my H? It’s making us both a bit uncomfortable’. Embarrassment and the thought of rejection is the only thing that will stop her now.

"The last 6 months or so though he’s got a lot bigger".

Maybe not relevant, but for a long-time gym person that only happens with steroids or other performance enhancing drugs.

He basically said his old gym partners weren’t lifting heavy enough and were holding him back so he’s working out with bigger guys now. Does sound weird tbf but never looked too much into it tbh.

I wouldn’t have an issue with this, to be honest. Unless you assume the only reason a person doesn’t cheat is that they are yet to find someone attractive who also finds them attractive, it’s a bit meh. If your partner is attractive, people will fancy them. Often lots of people. Similarly, I’m sure lots of people fancy you, OP.

In your shoes, I’d be making fun of them both. Particularly your friend.

Red Flag… No I would not like it and comes across as both of them being disrespectful

My husband is an avid gym goer. Typical weight lifting body, big arms, big chest etc etc.

Other women flirting the the price we pay for marrying big gym men.

When you see her say in a jokey way “I’m starting to think you fancy my husband. Privately messaging him and going to the gym” and kind of laugh it off. You then say “no I know you’d never do something like that as I’d kill you” and see what she says

You have to wonder why he didn’t volunteer the information that she’d messaged him as soon as it happened. I would be uncomfortable too, OP.

Well that's a load of nonsense isn't it? He can bench a different weight to his mates! They could be benching 5kgs and he could be doing 100kgs, how on earth are they holding him back because they aren't lifting enough?😂

Worrying

All very worrying OP. I can see why you are concerned,
Private messaging and compliments, all red flags

Sounds like she’s on the prowl and he’s willing to have his head turned.

I’d tell him that you don’t want her messaging her.

Are you going to speak to your friend? You’re not replying to anyone asking what you’re going to say to her? She’s the one who keeps pushing this.

I will unfriend this friend asap

Just no OP.
Both being totally inappropriate. I would let her know you know and that he told you she was messaging him, and ask her to stop as it makes you uncomfortable that your best friend privately messages your husband.
I would tell him that he’s crossed a big boundary and he should stop.
Then if it’s innocent and they both care about you and know it’s bothering you, it should stop.
If it doesn’t then that will tell you all you need to know.

Agree. Maybe his old friends weren't into pinning.

"In the past some of my friends have openly flirted with him but he hasn’t cared or taken any notice because ‘they’re not attractive’."

So he is okay flirting back if they're attractive? Not exactly a vote of confidence! Maybe he's just vain, though?