Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

What a difficult situation!

My first thought was that he'd been to prison!

If he was prior to this a good person/good partner I would hear him out. It sounds like he's had a complete breakdown.

I bet you have a thousand questions! What are your initial feelings? I think it will be tricky to keep him out of the marital home if he wants back in, thinking of the law. I hope he allows you time and space, this must be incredibly hard. Sending hugs.

This is insane. You poor thing. The sheer bloody cheek of him to not even apologise after blocking HIS WIFE?!

Do you want to talk to him? If so definitely do it in a neutral place.

I would be tempted to say to him

It is my turn to disappear for 4 months now & disappear !

But being a responsible woman, mother, wife, you are very unlikely to do this

I sympathise

My question would be what does he want ?
Why is he back ?

My god how crazy! Of course he can't come back! Your poor little ones, and poor you, what an absolutely awful situation. You've done so amazingly to keep going/keep a roof over your heads etc!

Mental health breakdown

would be very difficult to trust him again… he needs to prove a lot! Especially with the kids

That sounds awful for you all.
It may be helpful to hear him out, away from the kids and keep him out of the house until you’ve decided what to do next.
But he’s going to have to put in a huge amount of effort to rebuild the trust.
Take your time and do what feels right for you all. Don’t be pressured into taking him back if you’re not ready. You don’t have to.
Good luck.

He wouldn't even contact you to say he was OK, it took the Police to do it.

He's probably been with somebody else who has just chucked him out.

I wouldn't let him back under any circumstances, if not just for what he's done to your children already, but because there's every chance he'll do it all again.

There’s no way on this earth I would even have him under the same roof.

He needs to go back to wherever he just came from.

I’d tell him to walk back out again. I couldn’t forgive him.

I don't think what he did is at all forgivable but I'd say talking in a neutral setting is a good idea for your own closure. Make a list of questions you want answered. Are you close with his family? What are their thoughts?

OP he can come back if You want him to.
He can't come back if YOU don't want him to.
It's completely up to you, and none of us.

He's either had a mental breakdown, or he left you for someone else and it hasn't worked out. Either way I wouldn't let him back.

I would keep him away from the dc entirely and absolutely refuse to have him back living there for the foreseeable. But I would arrange to meet him on neutral ground to hear him out - I think you'd regret it in the longterm if you didn't, especially if he disappears again as you'll just be left with maddening questions.

Whatever he says though, don't be rushed. Tell him you'll think about it and be back in touch in a week. Don't make snap decisions.

Let him back and he will 100% leave again. Don’t put your kids through that.

Were he even a Saint before this, I absolutely could not move past this.
Leaving his family for months, not even a note to tell you he was alive?
He can sort the rest of his life out.
Get a shit hot lawyer.

My first thought… was he in prison?

Woah! That is appalling behaviour on his part. Even if he was melting down he could’ve messsged you but the fact he blocked you and the children is beyond disgusting. Does he really think he can treat you all like this? I wonder if he thought the grass was greener. Please protect yourself. You’re not safe with him. He’s betrayed your trust.

I think I'd have to hear him out and get answers but no way would he be coming back to live.

I'd be thinking he went off with another woman and it didn't work out so he's trying to crawl back home.

Jeez, I’d not have him back under any circumstances myself, but obvs you need to reflect, consider and decide what you want. You’ll never be able to trust him again - for that alone I’d be refusing any reconciliation. Unless he had a total mental breakdown (and even then..) I’d be playing hard ball with someone who can do this to his wife and kids. (And I may be cynical, but I too think he’s been shagging someone else who has now chucked him out! Sorry op - you need and deserve answers).

I’m guessing he went off with some other woman, who has now decided she’s had enough of him.

Don’t let him weasel his way back in, he’s put you and your children through hell.

How cruel to just walk out with no contact, not a backward glance.

Yep.

People will no doubt be along to say the poor man had terrible depression and you must be kind and support his recovery.
But this is bullshit.
You don’t need a 4th person dependent on you.
He can sort himself out on his own time

And/or he’s run out of money.

If you take him back you’ll be waiting for him to leave again. It would be a hard no from me. I would tell him that whilst he has been sorting himself out, so have you and it’s over.
most likely he has been living with his OW for 6 months and it hasn’t worked out.