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Original poster

Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

918 replies

throwawaymum2024 · 01/06/2025 16:04

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

OP posts:
Scentedjasmin · 01/06/2025 16:57

That's awful OP! He definitely can't just get to walk back into your lives. Even if he had a breakdown, unless he has been checked into a facility which didn't allow any contact, there is absolutely no excuse not to send a message or leave a note. That's pretty attention seeking actually, in my view. It's almost as though he wanted you to worry and pay him more attention than you were giving the kids.
Had he still been going to work?
It wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't another woman, gambling or addiction involved as it sounds like he was trying to run away for a while.

DisabledDemon · 01/06/2025 16:57

Well, I think my initial reaction would be WTF?

Next, OK, you want to return to your family? Well, you'll have to prove it. Go stay in a hotel and gradually reintegrate yourself - you don't get an automatic buy-in.

Thirdly - actually, I don't like you any more so you have a lot of work to do.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/06/2025 16:57

OMG he expected to be welcomed back with open arms? Unless he was sectioned on a psychiatric ward or he lost his memory, there is absolutely no excuse for him blocking you and not even asking how his children were for five whole months.

He's just thrown another grenade into your and your children's lives. He is completely selfish and is only thinking about himself.

Hoplolly · 01/06/2025 16:57

Gosh, what a shock.

I'll be honest; my first thought he's been with another woman. That would explain his mood before he left. And where has he been living all this time?

One thing is for certain; I'd be done with him. I'd want an explanation but the relationship would be over and done with. No coming back from that.

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 01/06/2025 16:58

How on earth does he disappear for five months?
Like, did he just not show up for work either?

PruthePrune · 01/06/2025 16:58

What did his mother say during his disappearance and does she know he is back? Did he keep on working? I don't think prison is the answer, there would have been some sort of paper trail, people dont get locked up just like thst. MH crisis is highly unlikely, sudden unexplained disappearance due to MH are incredibly rare. He's been with someone else and it hasn't worked out. Whatever the cause don't have him back, especially " for the children ", it won't work out.

S0j0urn4r · 01/06/2025 16:59

Change the locks and see a solicitor.

Shudacudawuda · 01/06/2025 16:59

I'm so sorry OP. How could you ever trust him again though? I don't see how you can let him come back.

My Dad did a runner on my Mum when we were young, disappeared to another country. She coaxed him back. He did it again a few years later.....she coaxed him back.
He finally left for good when I was 17. It was awful. I was very angry with her for years for letting him back in to do it again. Please consider the long term and the impact on your children. Your situation may be different, I hope it's more hopeful than ours was. But definitely don't rush back in, there's lots of mending to do.

Magicalbeaver · 01/06/2025 17:00

You poor thing. I would:

  1. Never let him back in the house, ever. Get the locks changed.
  2. Meet him in a neutral place and grill him. Ask him what the hell he thinks he was doing, why he blocked you all, why he thinks he can just coming back, etc etc
  3. File for divorce. Honestly. If he had a mental breakdown, he could have said instead of just disappearing and blocking you. He handled it so badly.
outerspacepotato · 01/06/2025 17:01

He's expecting to just walk back in as if he didn't just abandon you and his children 6 months ago? He's "ready to come home?"

I think not. The reasons could be another woman or his mental health, but whatever it was, he still has the responsibility for abandoning his family without a word. What he did was heinous and killed any trust you ever had in him. You couldn't ever trust him not to do it again.

He has capacity mentally. He chose to leave his home, therefore it's no longer his home and he can just just fuck right on off. He broke his family beyond repair.

This has already messed up your oldest. Therapy stat.

Does he have a diagnosed personality disorder?

Crackanut · 01/06/2025 17:02

He's taking you for an absolute fool OP. He's not been in prison, he's been living with another woman who has clearly thrown him out.

Nix32 · 01/06/2025 17:02

I couldn’t get past this. I would support my husband through anything, but only if he is communicating with me. To be abandoned and then then just turn up again? I would never trust him again and for me, that means the relationship was over.

OriginalUsername2 · 01/06/2025 17:02

I bet he’s been with someone else and it hasn’t worked out.

Did he have a job he disappeared from too?

Gingernaut · 01/06/2025 17:03

I'm with @TheWordWomanIsTaken and @mikado1

What's he been doing for money?

Have you run a credit check?

Did he have a job before he disappeared?

Has he still got a job?

Absolutely agree with everyone else here - he does not get to come back

DorothyStorm · 01/06/2025 17:03

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 01/06/2025 16:58

How on earth does he disappear for five months?
Like, did he just not show up for work either?

Exactly this. If he was working you have have applied for cm. Does he not work!

Logopolitan · 01/06/2025 17:06

This is very odd - how did he fund going AWOL for 5 months? Presumably he still wasn't turning up for work. You'll always wonder what happened if you don't talk to him, but of course this doesn't mean that you are having him back. While more awareness of mental health is great, it does seem to be taken by some people as an excuse to behave in an outrageously selfish way.

Feetinthegrass · 01/06/2025 17:07

Those that have proper mental breakdowns do not tend to have the capacity to disappear into the sunset. They often struggle to get out of bed.

I think the symptoms you described earlier op could also be tell take signs of other issues, such as affairs. Withdrawing from the family, quiet etc.

OneRealMintTurtle · 01/06/2025 17:09

Things didn't work out with his new girlfriend

OchreRaven · 01/06/2025 17:10

Where has he claimed to be living this whole time or does he not think you deserve any answers?

I would be fuming that he thought I was such a walkover that I would just allow him to come back after barely any explanation or proof of where he’s been let alone an apology.

He had to leave because he didn’t want to drag you all down? So instead he thought it was best to traumatise you all by not knowing if he was alive or dead? Maybe in the middle of a MH crisis someone could act this selfish and callously but if he is ‘better’ now how can he not see how utterly awful his actions have been?

He’s not a safe person to be around your children and I would be fighting to keep him at arms length until I knew he had a deep understanding of the trauma he has caused to his family and showed real action in re-building trust. And that’s only for the kids sake. Don’t try and salvage your relationship. It’s a waste of your energy and you need that for your children.

Original poster
throwawaymum2024 · 01/06/2025 17:12

yeah he told me yesterday he quit his job in Dec. I didn’t even know. Thought he was still going in like normal. He’d leave at normal time and come back around 6. Had no idea he’d actually stopped.

I asked where he’s been living and he just said “different places” whatever that means. Said he was sofa surfing. I dunno I don’t believe half of it if I’m honest. Nothing adds up.

I’ve asked straight up if there was someone else and he swore blind no, but it’s hard not to go there in your head. Like if you loved your kids why would you stay away that long?

And yeah agree with everyone saying he can’t just walk back in. He might’ve expected that but he’s not getting it. I feel like he’s shocked I’m not just letting him back. But what did he think? That I’d just been sat waiting? I’ve had to do literally everything on my own while he played disappearing act.

No clue what happens next but I’m definitely not rushing anything. Just trying to hold it together for the kids tbh.

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 01/06/2025 17:13

I could never forgive him for this, I don’t care what the reason is unless he was in a coma.
What’s he been doing for 4 months? Where’s he been living? I tell you where he’s been- living with a woman he met when he started being snappy last year and now he’s been dumped. I’d put money on it.
Can you ever, ever imagine leaving your kids for 5 months and not even knowing if they were ok? It’s unfathomable to me. I’ve been at absolute rock bottom before and even then I still wanted to know my loved ones were ok, even if I felt like I had nothing to give. It’s fucking bollocks. He’s been having an affair.

AdaColeman · 01/06/2025 17:15

What happened about his job during the time he was absent? Did you claim via CMS for financial support? What happened re any joint accounts, cards etc, was he still using them?

I doubt he was in prison, that would mean he'd been given a sentence of less than a year, so a relatively minor crime. My guess is he was living with someone else, but it hasn't worked out as he hoped.

Edit: Some of my questions answered while I as typing!

Baptisia · 01/06/2025 17:15

Have you thought about contacting Missing People? They would be able to provide emotional support for you and your children and practical guidance on how to navigate/negotiate gradual reconnection or legal separation.
I think they could support your husband separately if he wanted.

It won't matter that he's no longer missing - he was.

Justlurking10 · 01/06/2025 17:16

He must have had somewhere else to go when he left. I’d want stone cold proof of where he’s been the last 5 months and not OW before I’d even entertain talking if it was me.

sorry you’ve had to go through this OP, it must have been an awful time without any answers. Sending you a big hug x