Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

I don’t want him back in the house not right now anyway. I’ve told him he needs to stay away and give us space. He didn’t kick off but looked annoyed like he expected me to roll out the red carpet.

Honestly! I don't get people (men primarily!) who do this shit and then expect all to be forgiven and forgotten instantly. It's like they believe you've been mourning the loss of their penis!

He left. Without a word, a hint, or any financial help presumably. Leaving you to literally do ALL the lifting with three children including the emotional distress this must have caused them and any resulting acting out.

What do his parents say about their darling son's behaviour I wonder.

I wouldn't be having him back.

I wouldn't even be interested in speaking to him unless he told me, and provided proof, of exactly what he'd been doing, who with, and where for the last 6 months.

How dare he abandon his wife and children and waltz in like nothings happened?

Nope. Divorce him.

There is zero explanation that could make me forgive him.

I’d struggle to have anything to do with my son in this scenario

I couldn't forgive this with such young children, I wouldn't have a clue how to explain to them their dad has just gone without a word. If he has had a mental health breakdown I would have some sympathy for him but that wouldn't override the damage caused from what he did.
Take your time OP, I'd talk to him when I was ready to get an idea of what has happened but I'd be very wary of him seeing the children until I felt reassured there wasn't much chance of it happening again.

If it’s not another woman and he was having a mental health crisis perhaps having thoughts of suicide or even harming you and the children as well, then whilst we can have sympathy for him getting away to try and sort himself out, it was diabolical of him not to tell you that he just couldn’t cope anymore.

I also don’t think six months is enough time to sort out mental health problems and if you let him come back, how will he cope again with the same set of circumstances or are you supposed to all pussyfoot around him from now on?

I would meet him in a public place, not with the children and tell him that what he has done is unacceptable and unforgivable.

Its one thing to mess with adults emotions but your three children must not be living a life where they fear daddy will leave again.

How distressing all this has been for your children and you but you have the power to not let it happen again.

If I was even going to speak to him I'd want proof of where he's been. OW is a possibility I think prison sounds more likely when he quit his job, you noticed his behaviour change and he wasn't in touch with anyone all that time. If he maintains he just couldn't cope I wouldn't be having him back awful he just abandoned you and his children presume he paid nothing and left you to pick up the pieces - what would stop him doing the same again

He had an affair, left and now affair woman has thrown him out.

Exactly this.
I would start divorce proceedings OP.

@throwawaymum2024 Could the police not tell you anything about his location even? As his wife you would be his next of kin, you should have been entitled to an official explanation, if not from your ex.
FWIW I believe the DWP can trace people who vanish like this, they trace them from their N.I. number.

Gosh OP this is awful for you. I met a woman whose husband randomly left. The first time it happened it was horrendous. Then he did the same thing every few years. He used to return, randomly, and carry on as normal. She had 2 or 3 kids. She used to take him back every time. Whatever it did to her, it irreparably damaged his relationship with the kids.
I’m really sorry for you OP.

If he’s genuinely had some kind of mental breakdown then it might not be safe for him to be around the DC. If he’s run off with another woman and is crawling back when she’s kicked him out then he doesn’t deserve to be around the DC. So either way he needs to stay away for a while until you know for certain what he’s been doing.

Agree

Yes. I have a very close friend whose DH first left her (with 2 young DC, one severely disabled with cerebral palsy) in 1984. He boomeranged back in and out of their lives for years, finally leaving to take up with another woman about 15 years later.

He hasn't seen his daughter (now in her 40s) for about 20 years, missed her wedding and has never met his 2 grandchildren.

yeah exactly, like if it was mental health then fair enough in theory but why not leave a bloody note? or even ask someone to let me know he was safe. I had to go round telling our kids daddy’s not here and I don’t know when or if he’s coming back. that’s not ok.

police said they couldn’t tell me anything beyond he was “safe and well” cos he’s an adult and left by choice. no idea how they even found that out but I wasn’t told where he was or what he was doing.

I’ve thought about OW too or prison or addiction or just complete breakdown I’ve thought it all tbh. nothing he says explains half of it. and no, he didn’t send any money either. just left me to deal with it all.

I think you’re right some of you, if he was gonna do this once what’s to say he wouldn’t do it again. the kids keep asking if he’s going away again. eldest won’t sleep unless the light’s on now. it’s messed with their heads.

he wants to meet and talk. I said maybe but not with the kids there. and it’s not a reunion it’s just a talk. I feel like I don’t even know him now and I’m scared I’ll get pulled back into it if I’m not careful.

appreciate all the support honestly. it’s helping more than you know x

"I don’t want him back in the house not right now anyway. I’ve told him he needs to stay away and give us space. He didn’t kick off but looked annoyed like he expected me to roll out the red carpet."

THE AUDACITY - it's just unreal, isn't it

How awful for you and your children, OP.

You all deserve so much more.

Meanwhile, this poor little lamb of a man couldn't possibly understand why you're not seemingly ecstatic that he's graced you all with his presence again!

I don't see how any man could think the trust could ever be rebuilt again. You'll forever be on eggshells wondering if today is the day he does another bunk... for months at a time again! But they do, don't they, they are utterly delusional. They really think they can behave HOWEVER they like, and it should be free from consequences.

You don't have to talk to him alone. You can have a friend there, a member of your family, someone who knows what you've been through.

He's the one who's done something unforgivable, you get to set the terms of any conversation going forwards.

Bloody hell.

He doesn't get to turn up like that with no adequate explanation and expect his life with you to resume. I'd be telling him you want a no-bullshit explanation of what he's actually been doing, where he's been living and with whom. If prison is a possibility, I would have a look at the court reports (legal people can advise you on this) because this stuff is in the public domain. If there's no sign of its having been prison, I'd want to know who she is.

Either way, I would tell him you don't want him back. The fucking arrogance of it.

What a horrible shock @throwawaymum2024
You must have thought he stepped back from the grave. Unforgivable.

What struck you when you saw him? Was he thinner, suntanned, fatter, scruffy, groomed?
What I am getting at is, a sofa surfer might look less groomed and thinner from irregular hours and uncertain nutritious meals. Being moved around might create a tired look, worn out and fatigued.
An affair/ow guy, in my experience, gets fancy meals, restaurant meals, maybe holidays away. Honeymoon pounds it used to be called.
If he is not being forthright then there might be clues from his appearance.

How could you ever trust a word he says.
If he was late, you’d be wondering if he had deserted you and the DC again.

Dark horse just isn’t the word for it. It’s horrific.

How could he just turn up like that with no thought for your DC’s feelings and expect everything to carry on as normal.

He’s a selfish head fuck of a man.

You have to make your own choices OP, but I don't know how I could forgive this or ever trust him not to do it again. I would be civil, end the relationship but work out he starts taking on his responsibility for childcare and the costs of having children.

He's been sofa surfing with people he knows well enough to find him entirely for 5 months yet not one of them told you he was there?

Where is he staying now?

Meet him to talk somewhere bland and neutral OP. Whatever you do, don't have the talk in your home, or it will seem like the decision to have him back is half made - and he cannot be allowed to just assume that. You are one strong woman, hold on to that and for the time being your anger. Whatever his reasons, the way he did this is abominable. 🍀

Honestly for it to be mental health to the point it would be excusable I would be thinking of a situation where the police found him homeless telling everyone he’s Jesus or something even worse that would hopefully get him sectioned not sent on his way and dismissed as a choice to leave.

He’s couch surfing so that means he has been texting and calling various friends and was able to keep in touch with them enough to organise staying over? Presumably he went out for drinks every now and then, chatted with them, laughed, watched TV? had dinner, did relatively normal things day to day for the last five months.

He was capable of literally blocking your number and assuring the police he’d left you voluntarily but at no point in the last five months could he send a single text message - apology, explanation, asking after the kids? Or even asked someone he was staying with to send one for him? The only reason you and his mum knew he wasn’t dead was because the police told you!

Your kids will be literally traumatised by this. He has the audacity to be annoyed that you’re not welcoming him back with open arms? With vague explanations?

There are loads of awful men who will leave for an affair seemingly out of nowhere. It takes a special kind to cruel to abandon your kids too. There is no mental health diagnosis in the world that would make me ok with him the tears they cried after he willingly abandoned them.

I'd be telling him I don't want anything to do with him, change the locks, start divorce proceedings.
My bet is he's been away with OW for the past few months and it didn't work out.
Trust is gone, no use dragging this out.