Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Sounds like it’s not worked out with the woman he left you for. I know three marriages that had NYE ‘endings’ - looks like grass wasn’t greener.
I would not have him back until he was ready to tell the truth. He will not tell you the truth to start with.

Prison or affair that didn’t work out. I’d tell him that you’ll only talk if he gives a full and candid account (with proof) of where he’s been and what/who he’s been doing. Definitely don’t take him back regardless!

His right to enter the marital home diminishes after months away. OP and DC entitled to peace and private life. OP change the locks. Not saying if you ultimately divorce he won’t get a share but no judge would surely allow him to do a runner and waltz back in like this plus needs of children come first. His antics clearly have upset them. Harsh but no time for the he’s had to find himself and had a breakdown. You didn’t have that luxury. He could have got space, help and support without leaving his wife, children and mother traumatised. Not sure how you come back from this. Just so sorry for what you have all been through. Unforgivable.

Unless it was something medical, (e.g. confirmed mental illness, diagnosed and in treatment), I don't think I could forgive this. He abandoned you with three kids and blocked you. It speaks very poorly of his character and I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore.

Absolutely wouldn’t entertain him moving back in.
I would want an explanation and an apology. Then, after hearing that, if it’s 100% what you and your DH’s want, he can earn your trust over time before he gets even close to moving back in.
No way does he get to stroll in like he was 10 mins late home from the local shop having lost sight of the time chatting to Dave at the bakery aisle. Absolutely the fuck not

My vote is prison. And for something so awful he would rather abandon his family including his parents than let on what he went away for. I would be thinking sex offender but assume he wouldn’t allowed to be around the kids if so??

Very strange. You must be reeling. I’m so sorry @throwawaymum2024 I hope you get the answers you need but in no way should you let him worm his way back into your house. He should be paying financial support and working up to re establishing trust with his children, but his role as a partner is untenable.

Never mind Mumsnet guessing - other woman, prison, ran out of money.
Ask him OP.

How cruel.
If you feel you want to know what happened, then maybe arrange to meet him out of the house, away from the DC, somewhere public and neutral.

Personally I wouldn't let him the house again or consider any sort of reconciliation. If he can behave that coldly to you, his DC and his Mum, then there's every chance he'd do it again. If he was in prison, in hospital, anywhere after a breakdown, he could have got someone to call even if he wasn't able ( by which I mean couldn't face up to his responsibilities) to do it himself. I cannot think of a single scenario in which his disappearance without a word was excusable. What did he say when he turned up on the doorstep?

As a practical measure I’d be getting a locksmith in so he can’t just walk in OP. You have done a brilliant job keeping the ship afloat all this time alone. This tells you that you are strong enough to carry on without him. He needs to very much earn his place back in the family but only if this is what YOU want. You did well to send him away - boundaries are very important here. He needs to know by your words AND deeds that he can’t just carry on as before.

Yes, imagine it’s not worked out with the new woman so now hes come crawling back to you thinking you’ll be grateful.

Whatever the real reason you probably won’t find out.

Left for another woman, it didn’t work out and he’s crawling back would be my first thought.

Agree with PP, I wouldn’t have him under my roof. Let him find a hotel to stay on until you’re ready to talk to him

Has he continued to go to work during this time? It does sound like a breakdown of some sort which I might have compassion towards if he had let you know he was safe and needed help or whatever. Either way I'd have to hear him out now and then I'd decide what to do with that information. I think you're right not letting him in for now. Dreadful for your children, what was he thinking?

Has he been living with someone else?

This.

It needs to be done on neutral ground with a very good counsellor or even a conflict resolution expert in a structured way to avoid getting tied in knots between doubt and lies.

I do not have anything to add that other smart MNetters did not already say. I do not think he was with a woman OP. I think it was a mental break down or something. However, not having contact with you and the kids is unforgivable. Definitely should talk to him and let him explain mostly for you peace of mind, but no, I would not let that person back into my life, no way. Hugs!

Oh hell no. Three kids thrown into turmoil twice, not to mention what he’s put you through? I’d disappear him again right under the patio. Nasty lying piece of shit.

Agree.
He is an asshole

Don't let him back

File for divorce... He abandoned your marriage and doesn't get to decide now it's back on.

I'd need answers so would hear him out but my first thought is that he's been with someone else and either been kicked out or realised the grass isn't greener. Whatever the reason for him disappearing, it doesn't justify what he's done to you and your children. I would never trust him again, never.

I agree with other posters that he went off with another woman who has now had enough of him.

How dare he just turn up as though he's just come back from the shops? What a cheeky fucker he is. He left you and his children for five months without a single attempt to contact you and put your mind at ease.

I think that this is probably unforgiveable.

What kind of awful person can just abandon their children for months? I could not be with a person who could do that.

I would want to hear him out but could not forgive this. Where has he been every day? He literally blocked you and told the police he’d chosen it. It’s exceedingly likely he was shacked up with someone else and now that’s ended he thinks he can just pick you up again.

This is mad! Like WTF he just disappeared off the face of the earth for 5 months then just turns back up.

I would talk to him, I absolutely would want to know what happened. But I don't think there is any reason that would be good enough for me to accept him back.

Including MH issues. Having a MH breakdown is not a blank cheque to do whatever you like, and not without consequences anyway.

You'd be always worried that he would disappear again. Sounds very unstable. It's up to you how you proceed but I'd very careful and wary.

I'm not sure I could ever trust his again