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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

918 replies

throwawaymum2024 · 01/06/2025 16:04

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/06/2025 16:38

DelphiniumBlue · 01/06/2025 16:28

How cruel.
If you feel you want to know what happened, then maybe arrange to meet him out of the house, away from the DC, somewhere public and neutral.

Personally I wouldn't let him the house again or consider any sort of reconciliation. If he can behave that coldly to you, his DC and his Mum, then there's every chance he'd do it again. If he was in prison, in hospital, anywhere after a breakdown, he could have got someone to call even if he wasn't able ( by which I mean couldn't face up to his responsibilities) to do it himself. I cannot think of a single scenario in which his disappearance without a word was excusable. What did he say when he turned up on the doorstep?

Agree. For me it's not what he did, it's how he went about it. If he had a breakdown or other crisis, then why not let OP know?? Just a quick text to tell her he was all right and not to worry but he'd be in touch when he felt able. And not to even ASK about his own CHILDREN?

No, he doesn't have one single excuse that would work in this situation other than being a supremely self-obsessed individual.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 01/06/2025 16:39

If you let him back, you and the kids will just be waiting for it to happen again, and it will.

Bad for you, bad for your kids.

I'm sorry OP, some men are just rubbish.

It doesn't matter what his excuse is, especially when you have kids, what he has done is something he can never come back from.

Thricewasundone · 01/06/2025 16:39

OchreRaven · 01/06/2025 16:26

My vote is prison. And for something so awful he would rather abandon his family including his parents than let on what he went away for. I would be thinking sex offender but assume he wouldn’t allowed to be around the kids if so??

Very strange. You must be reeling. I’m so sorry @throwawaymum2024 I hope you get the answers you need but in no way should you let him worm his way back into your house. He should be paying financial support and working up to re establishing trust with his children, but his role as a partner is untenable.

Edited

For five months?

MyRootinTootinBaby · 01/06/2025 16:41

Wow. I’d want answers as to where he has been and what he’s been doing, and who with. I’d never be able to trust him again though, and wouldn’t be having him back in the house.

LimitedBrightSpots · 01/06/2025 16:41

I wouldn't want him around the children. This is not how stable people behave. I'd let him go to court if he wants unsupervised access and he can explain himself to the judge.

Finteq · 01/06/2025 16:43

I wouldn't even bother talking to him.

He wil just lie, lie, and lie some more.

How dare he just walk back in- and now he's put the kids through it all over again.

He should not have come back in front of the kids. He should have contacted you first and met somewhere else. It just shows how selfish he is- all over again.

Octonaut4Life · 01/06/2025 16:43

As far as I would be concerned, he could communicate with me via a lawyer, there is no chance whatsoever he would walk back in after that.

PruthePrune · 01/06/2025 16:44

If you do decide to meet him on neutral ground the first thing you should do is ask him to hand over his phone to you. If he refuses then you know he has been with another woman.

Original poster
throwawaymum2024 · 01/06/2025 16:44

Thanks everyone really appreciate the replies. Honestly it’s just so surreal. I go between wanting to scream at him and just feeling numb.

Prison was my first thought too tbh. Would actually make more sense than what he’s come out with. He says he just needed to “get away” and couldn’t cope and didn’t want to “drag us down” whatever that means.

He’s never done anything like this before but there were signs he wasn’t coping late last year. Quiet, snappy, not sleeping much. Still nothing that would make you think he’d vanish into thin air and not even check in on his kids??

I’ve got loads of questions but don’t even know if I want the answers. Like some of you said he didn’t even say sorry. Just acted like he was back from a long weekend.

I don’t want him back in the house not right now anyway. I’ve told him he needs to stay away and give us space. He didn’t kick off but looked annoyed like he expected me to roll out the red carpet.

I’m so angry for the kids more than anything. They’re confused and I’ve no clue what to even tell them. Just feel so tired. Appreciate all the support it means a lot x

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 01/06/2025 16:45

No. Absolutely not. He didn't have either the courage or the courtesy to let you know he wasn't dead - you had to discover this from the police.

You know he's been with another woman and it's not worked out. So he thinks he might as well swan back in and pick up where he left off.

The biggest thing for me is that he did not give a SHIT how confused and traumatised his children were from NYE to June. He got up every single day and made that decision not to bother see them, speak to them, or reassure them that he was still there for them.

I would never speak to him again - it would all be done through the solicitors.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/06/2025 16:46

I'd be sending him to his mother's and starting divorce proceedings.

You will never be able to trust him again. Every time he leaves the house you'll wonder if you'll ever see him again. Fuck that for a laugh.

BuckChuckets · 01/06/2025 16:47

He didn't give a shit about your pain, and he didn't give a shit about your children's pain. Please don't let him back!

Feetinthegrass · 01/06/2025 16:47

He has to go to his mothers for the foreseeable future - he didn’t just abandon you but the children as well. Consider mediation and counselling - he has lots of questions to answer.

Over40Overdating · 01/06/2025 16:48

Bloody hell! He’s got a nerve. The fact he had the audacity to be annoyed you weren’t rolling out the red carpet rather than on his knees begging for forgiveness is a giant red flag that he’s still a selfish, self serving twat who can’t be trusted. Your poor children. To not even seem to have a shred of guilt for what he’s done to them is shocking.

Marmalade71 · 01/06/2025 16:48

I'm afraid it's pretty transparent he's been living with someone else who has now got bored of him. The abandoning of his children is the bit that is completely unforgivable. Its one thing to decide you need a break from the marriage (not saying it's OK!) but making your kids think they'd never see you again - no words.

Feetinthegrass · 01/06/2025 16:49

The court’s will not look on this favourably at all, he effectively abandoned everyone for six months, no he can’t just waltz back. I would be keeping him out until you know what you are dealing with.

Feetinthegrass · 01/06/2025 16:50

He may not be safe to have in the house, given you have no idea what has happened or where he has been. If he is stable enough to be around such young children.

BreadInCaptivity · 01/06/2025 16:50

He’ll would freeze over before I’d want him anywhere near me of the children.

The manner of BOTH his leaving and return demonstrate utter contempt for you and his children.

Change the locks, see a solicitor and get to divorcing him asap and a court order to keep him away from the children due to the emotional impact of his actions stating any contact needs to be managed with appropriate therapy and support.

If he deigns to give you an explanation he can do it by email though I wouldn’t trust anything he said.

Its always men isn’t it who have the temerity to abscond to “sort themselves out” knowing their wife will have to pick up the pieces.

He’s a vile man and I wouldn’t care if he’d had a MH crisis (though an affair is far more likely) as this would not have prevented him from contacting you.

Protect yourself and your children by keeping this narcissist motherfucker as far from you as possible.

DorothyStorm · 01/06/2025 16:50

Where did he say he has been?

Gyozas · 01/06/2025 16:52

Who the fuck does he think he is? No. He can fuck all the way to the far end of off, and stay there. His particular brand of mindblowing selfishness is no longer required.

S0j0urn4r · 01/06/2025 16:52

He can fuck right off. Needing time is one thing but leaving your family to wonder if you were even still alive? Nope!

PeapodMcgee · 01/06/2025 16:52

Oh good, now you have an address for him to commence your divorce.

He's treated you and your children with absolute contempt. Whatever the explanation, there is no excuse.

RosieLeaLovesTea · 01/06/2025 16:54

Yes my thoughts are he has been with another woman and it has not worked out. I would not let him back as he trust has been completely broken.

babystarsandmoon · 01/06/2025 16:54

Surely you would know if he was in prison. What about work and money? Were you left to deal
with all the bills?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/06/2025 16:55

And it didn't occur to him that it might upset you and the kids, just turning up at the door? No phone calls first, the 'I know this will be a shock but hear me out' type conversations when the kids were out of the way? Just rock up and 'I'm back, kill that fatted calf, Daddy's home!'

What an utter twat.