Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

It’s a civil matter.
It’s not a criminal matter.

She could change the locks and start divorce proceedings.

Realistically, OP, if he’s been gone for six months without contacting his family and quitting his job, he’s had somewhere else to stay. Maybe even another job lined up. If he’d been “sofa surfing” with friends, news would have spread back to you.

I think he went with the intention of starting a new life and it’s all gone to shit so he’s come home.

No way would I let him back in.
Not just because of the callous way he treated you and your children, but because it's way too confusing for your children to just have him there again.

Nope, no way

There’s no way in hell I’d have him back after that. He’s out you and your kids through hell. I’d be livid.,..and filing for divorce.

It sounds like he's still lying to you.

That's an insulting restart, that he thinks you're either dumb or desperate.

Be careful. This is really weird.

I know 2 people this has happened to - their DH went missing, police said they were fine - both times, their “DH” had gone to live with another woman, came crawling back when it didn’t work out. The trust is gone for you, sorry Op 💐

That's absolutely appalling.
If he really did need to have some personal space then he should've used his words to explain that to you. It's still unreasonable just to bugger off but to go completely AWOL is unbelievable.

How do you know he won't do it again?
And sort himself out from what? Where did he stay, what did he do? What was he running away from?

Don't let him back living with you again until he can give decent answers to all of this. Nothing could be that terrible that you just up and abandon your family.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Noone deserves to be treated that way.

You must be in total shock.

I don’t understand.
Could you see money coming into or going out of your accounts?
Didn’t you call his workplace?
Do you work and support yourself and the kids while he was away? Surely your finances changed when he left?

I would immediately start divorce proceedings and go for full custody.

That should have read “ if it is 100% what you and your DC’s want”.

If this is how he copes with the traumas of life - which we all have at some point, or he's been having an affair, he wouldn't be setting a foot back inside my front door-ever. Before any of 'his' issues, he has put the main one last - his children's emotional wellbeing. That's a crime in my eyes.

No clue what happens next but I’m definitely not rushing anything

Sorry? Are you seriously going to take him back? More fool you OP.

Big fat fucking NO from me. He fucked off 6 months ago, left you single handed with 3 dc and now wants to swan back in? Absolutely bloody NOT. He has shown himself to be neither needed nor required. If he wants to earn that back than he would have to move the earth itself to prove that to me, before I gave him one single minute of my time. Ignore him op. He is currently a flaky loser. Treat him as such.

I couldn’t forgive this behaviour.

Exactly. Men don’t leave a comfy set-up without another comfy set-up to go to.

(By that I mean a woman meeting his needs so he doesn’t have to).

To just turn up again is just as cruel as the initial disappearance. He has no regard for anyone else's feelings does he.

There are ways to leave a relationship without just disappearing off the face of the planet leaving friends and family not knowing what has happened and if that person is OK.

He was OK with you and his mum thinking he could have somehow been harmed or even killed because if someone just doesn't come home most people would assume something bad has happened. That's a top level of cruelty and self centred behaviour in my opinion.

How could you ever trust him again? Even now he's not giving you proper answers.

Sorry OP but I really don't think you should take him back. You don't deserve to be treated like this and nor do your children.

This is awful for you and the kids. He cannot be trusted and doesn’t deserve to come back. He has treated you all terribly and mental health issues are not an excuse for 6 months of torture. You wouldn’t have disappeared for months if you had a “breakdown”. You wouldn’t have been able to. I really hope you divorce him and let him rebuild his life on his own and with the kids when they’re ready.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s not the same at all because we didn’t have children but my ex did this after 5 years together, he went back to his home country and had a massive mental breakdown (he stayed with his parents-no affair). I couldn’t get hold of him for 2 months. I felt destroyed like my life was worthless and I would never ever be happy again. He reappeared, sheepishly and we worked through it for another 5 years. I was very understanding when it came to mental health issues, but he was inherently self centred. I couldn’t get past the resentment in the end and every time he criticised me/was irresponsible with money/ didn’t keep his word over something small the voice in my head would scream remember what he put you through. It was a slow acting poison. All he would have had to do is explain it to me at the start, the not knowing was too cruel I couldn’t get past it.

I think what he has done is unforgivable, but you have kids, you may need to give it time to get a sense of where you are at. Prioritise yourself x

Is it possible he has been to prison?
he could have been sacked in December, or left his job knowing he was going.
An impending sentencing would also explain the snappiness and lack of sleep…

This all doesn’t add up. He probably planned it before December, saving money to pay his way while staying with other woman or whoever. My heart goes out to you and the children.
What was getting him down so much? He owes you a full explanation, should get himself sorted out, back in work and prove himself reliable before you consider letting him let him come home.

It might be interesting to know what actually happened with his job. Do you know anyone he worked with, OP? I'm guessing not or you'd already know that he didn't have a job to walk away from - but did he get fired for some gross misconduct or did he hand in his notice to go off into the sunset with his sugar mummy?

Well done for thinking on your toes whilst in the middle of the shock & saying that he couldn't stay.

He's still only thinking of himself with no idea of the impact on his abandoned kids & wife.

Take all the time you need to work out what you want to do.

Christ this is awful. Imagine not seeing your young kids for 5 months by choice and not giving a shit. They change so much at that age, how devastating for them.

Unforgivable OP, no coming back from this.

What happened with bank accounts etc

This man's behaviour is so cruel and so CALCULATED!

I agree with other posters who have urged you to keep him well away from your children, for their own safety. This is not the conduct of a stable person and that makes him dangerous.

In your shoes, I'd be desperately worried that all this is the prelude to him driving himself and the kids off Beachy Head!

I would find what he did totally unforgivable. The trust would be gone.

I wouldn't let him come back. He can go and live with his family, or sofa surf some more as he seems so skilled at it.

If I agreed to meet him at all it would be on neutral territory and when I could get someone else to look after the children for a while. Curiosity could get the better of me, so I would be demanding some answers. However, it would be nearly impossible to believe a word he said so I'd probably end up no further forward anyway.

He needs to prove where he was and check it. Either his friends and family were keeping his whereabouts from you or he’s lying, no way was he sleeping on a strangers sofa.
I’d say prison or other woman and I’m leaning to the latter.

If you’re considering taking him back make him make the effort by staying elsewhere for 6 months and it will give you time to see if you’re done or want him back. If you let him home then it will be hard to split again.

How did the police find him if his family didn’t know where he was - that doesn’t add up.

He doesn’t get to waltz back home like it’s all okay. He needs to know this wasn’t acceptable or yes he will do this again. .