Page 21 | DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

EmmaThompsonsTears · 2025-06-01T14:23:45+00:00

New account in case outing. I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least. 2 DCs - 4 & 18m. He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode. How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome. I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/06/2025 22:18

I'd pick Option 2, whilst waiting to hear what you thought of Option 3. I would not go for Option 1.

MyrtleLion · 10/06/2025 22:19

Personally I'd go with Option 2 and ask for a solicitor rather than a paralegal. If Family Law is their speciality, then you might need that expertise.

Thinking of you. Wishing you the best.

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 10/06/2025 22:20

Blondiebeachbabe · 10/06/2025 14:34

I know it's hard to believe, but you'll look back on this one day and be glad it happened. Had the same situ with my 1st H. Met young, we were each others firsts etc. 16 years in, I found out he had been unfaithful with several OW. Took me 4 years to leave!

Within 2 months, I had met my now DH, and we are so happy. Been together 17 years now, and he's so much nicer than my 1st H.

Be very wary - once he knows you are leaving, he will turn nasty - mine assaulted me twice. Also, be prepared for him to try to take the kids, and try to keep as much of the money as he can. It's every man for himself.

When all this was happening, my best friend dumped me. Was really weird. I managed to look at his phone, and he was shagging her too! I called my best friend and told her that I knew they were having sex, and that one of her other friends had tipped me off. She was left wondering who had betrayed her, and lost a few friendships in the process - sorry, not sorry.

When you do tell him that you know about the OW, I would tell him that the OW told you herself, and that she said she would deny this if he asked her about it. That way he will never know if the OW was actually the person that blew up his marriage.

Fwiw, my 1st H went on to cheat on his next partner too. And I think he's cheated on his current partner as well. Grim.

Another warning - his family are likely to stick by him. My MIL and SIL's of 20 years never spoke to me again, because in their eyes he had "just been having a bit of fun, whereas Blondie was breaking up a family". Twat's the lot of them.

Within two months! Wow! That’s amazing @Blondiebeachbabe , and sounds like exactly what you needed and deserved after such a tough time ❤️
I have to say I have absolutely zero interest in tolerating another man and would be very hesitant indeed to bring someone else into the kids’ lives before they’re like, 10 😂 so you’re not going to find me on Hinge any time soon.
however I am a romantic at heart, so if love randomly finds me, who knows. I’ll stick with the Rom coms for now!

OP posts:

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 10/06/2025 22:24

wannabewitch · 10/06/2025 21:11

OP - I saw it as if I was boat - the HMS Wannabewitch kept sailing on, steady as she goes - a few storms to weather on the way but I weathered them - the odd squall from the OW and the occasional full blown hurricane from the EX but I kept it steady for my DCs and now 10 yrs down the line - my steady course continues and the shit show that is theirs ( no longer together) continues.
My DCs are fine, I am fine and my little family is stable, I provide and I am their rock.
The HMS Emma Thompson will do the same -one day at a time the horizon is in view and you will get there.

@wannabewitch loving your nautical-themed story of hope, thank you.

in fact a big thank you to everyone who’s given me a picture of what life looks like a year, 5 years, or even 15 years down the line. It really helps to hear so many positive stories. Makes the future feel a lot less scary ❤️

also the name HMS Emma Thompson really tickled me for some reason. Could she be the new Boaty McBoatface?!

OP posts:

TheOrphanTree · 10/06/2025 22:26

It's great you've got a couple of people in real life to vent with because you are playing a slightly longer game than I'm sure you would like. You have my very best wishes that this works out for you and your DC. Your H sounds like someone who is no longer someone you want anything to do with, couples therapy be damned. If he can play the gaslighting long game you deserve so much better.

OchreRaven · 10/06/2025 22:33

My only worry with giving him too much information on the story of how you became aware of his affair e.g DM from a random person, is that he will try and pick holes in it and make you out you are unreasonable to others I.e. she believes some anonymous person over her own husband and has broken up our family over it.

It’s enough to say ‘Someone has told me about your affair and provided proof.’ You don’t have to show him the proof but I would use it as a tool to make sure you set the narrative I.e. I want you to call your mum right now and tell her what you have done. If you don’t I will have to show her the evidence to prove it as no doubt you will turn this around on me, and I really would rather spare her that as it’s disgusting.

ChaliceinWonderland · 10/06/2025 22:45

PinkBobby · 02/06/2025 10:31

My friend went down a slightly different route with the OW chat. She had a call and said she could tell her all sorts about her OH but she’ll find that out herself. She then said that she just wanted to focus on what’s important and basically told her all about the kids (she has 4) and what they’d need from here every other week/weekend (cosleeping sometimes, pack lunches, school drop offs etc.). She made it absolutely clear that this wasn’t going to be a ‘fresh start’ for the two of them because he had a whole family that would still need him. Shock horror, the OW didn’t fancy being a totally involved step mum to 4 energetic kids and the relationship imploded.

I also know this is not the easy option but really try not to speak badly of the dad to your kids. They still have a right to a relationship with him and they will figure out really quick if he’s not invested. You don’t need to be blamed for ‘turning them against him’, he can do that all by himself.

In time, there’s also a place for you to calmly explain to him that his son(s) look to him re how to treat women and so far he’s setting a terrible example. He needs to do better. And if you have a daughter, they will base their relationships on how he treats women so he really needs to be a better role model. This isn’t the best source but summarises the dynamic pretty well:
“Girls learn self-worth and self-esteem from Dad. They observe and learn how men and women interact in relationships. If they see that a relationship contains respect and love, then they will seek those qualities in their own relationships. How their fathers treat the women in their lives has a tremendous impact on a young girl; they see women as having value and strength.” All of this is to highlight that he messed up with you and with them.

Again, good luck. I’m sure you’re realising each day just how strong you are!

Really clever. Show the OW that being step mum will be hard work!

WombatStewForTea · 10/06/2025 22:48

IsThisLifeNow · 09/06/2025 18:15

Another invite request to the coven party please? I'm struggling with my separation from exH. I've posted quite a bit on here, but basically he's come out as gay and had had sex with a man before telling me about a month later. I've figured out he only told me because he had to attend the big Sexual health clinic at the hospital for monitoring for PrEP, an anti-HIV medication nd could have run into me there. I occasionally work there as part of my job.

You must have nerves of steel OP, I've completely fallen apart!

For a second there I thought you were my sister in law 😑 very similar story

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 10/06/2025 22:49

OchreRaven · 10/06/2025 22:33

My only worry with giving him too much information on the story of how you became aware of his affair e.g DM from a random person, is that he will try and pick holes in it and make you out you are unreasonable to others I.e. she believes some anonymous person over her own husband and has broken up our family over it.

It’s enough to say ‘Someone has told me about your affair and provided proof.’ You don’t have to show him the proof but I would use it as a tool to make sure you set the narrative I.e. I want you to call your mum right now and tell her what you have done. If you don’t I will have to show her the evidence to prove it as no doubt you will turn this around on me, and I really would rather spare her that as it’s disgusting.

This is a really good point thank you @OchreRaven. I’d considered it to an extent but ultimately he knows he’s guilty, so even if he does try to pick holes in my story, we both know whoever “told” me is telling the truth.

but maybe starting with a more general “somebody told me” would be a good start. It’s just harder to make him question her if I do it that way

OP posts:

NescafeAndIce · 10/06/2025 22:59

but maybe starting with a more general “somebody told me” would be a good start. It’s just harder to make him question her if I do it that way

For some reason I'm picturing something along the lines of Father Ted's "I hear you're a racist now, father!" but more like "I hear you're a dirty shagger, now, Henry!"

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 10/06/2025 23:02

EmmaThompsonsTears · 10/06/2025 22:49

This is a really good point thank you @OchreRaven. I’d considered it to an extent but ultimately he knows he’s guilty, so even if he does try to pick holes in my story, we both know whoever “told” me is telling the truth.

but maybe starting with a more general “somebody told me” would be a good start. It’s just harder to make him question her if I do it that way

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I don't think you need to give any reason for how you know, just "I know you're having an affair. I know her name is .... I know you've had sex, I know you're in regular communication and have said you love each other, (or whatever the actual facts are), I want a divorce."

And then when he inevitably starts digging to find out how you know "It doesn't matter, I want a divorce."

Mightyhike · 10/06/2025 23:03

Just found this thread and cheering you on OP!

OchreRaven · 10/06/2025 23:12

EmmaThompsonsTears · 10/06/2025 22:49

This is a really good point thank you @OchreRaven. I’d considered it to an extent but ultimately he knows he’s guilty, so even if he does try to pick holes in my story, we both know whoever “told” me is telling the truth.

but maybe starting with a more general “somebody told me” would be a good start. It’s just harder to make him question her if I do it that way

Show quote history

Unless he has been blabbing then the only option is her or someone she’s told. He doesn’t have to know for certain it was her. The doubt and unknown is enough to drive him crazy. Think about how you felt not knowing if he was having an affair. It’s also why ghosting hurts more than being broken up with. He will want to know all the information you have and how. Don't give it to him and let him come up with scenarios in his head.

You are doing amazingly. Honestly, your inner strength is inspiring. Can’t wait for the tables to turn for him. Just remember in the long term, he is the one who will be full of regret. The reason he thanked his OW for saying he was such a great dad is because he wants it to be true but deep down he knows it isn’t. He’s a weak man who when times got hard for his family, he wasn’t their rock. He emotionally checked out and physically betrayed you. That’s who he is and he has to live with that. You don’t need to tell him that, he knows deep down, but it may take many years, and space from the situation for him to realise this.

WindyRiver · 10/06/2025 23:12

How about "I found out through a reliable source." Then refuse to explain further. Anyway, it's true. His own messages are a reliable source. What a piece of garbage. Better things are ahead for you, OP.

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 10/06/2025 23:22

OchreRaven · 10/06/2025 23:12

Unless he has been blabbing then the only option is her or someone she’s told. He doesn’t have to know for certain it was her. The doubt and unknown is enough to drive him crazy. Think about how you felt not knowing if he was having an affair. It’s also why ghosting hurts more than being broken up with. He will want to know all the information you have and how. Don't give it to him and let him come up with scenarios in his head.

You are doing amazingly. Honestly, your inner strength is inspiring. Can’t wait for the tables to turn for him. Just remember in the long term, he is the one who will be full of regret. The reason he thanked his OW for saying he was such a great dad is because he wants it to be true but deep down he knows it isn’t. He’s a weak man who when times got hard for his family, he wasn’t their rock. He emotionally checked out and physically betrayed you. That’s who he is and he has to live with that. You don’t need to tell him that, he knows deep down, but it may take many years, and space from the situation for him to realise this.

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Thank you so much ❤️ yep, the less information I can give him, the more it’ll drive him nuts.

and you’re so right about the ghosting too. Him withdrawing his love all those months ago hurt so much more than finding out the truth.

OP posts:

SlowestHorse · 10/06/2025 23:52

Google the “grief curve” about the stages you go through during any major change, including a break up like this. It really helped me manage myself to know why I was going through phases (sometimes more than once, be warned!).

Also my dad the strategist gave me great advice. Do NOTHING that does not serve your longer term objective. So when I felt like screaming or drying or ranting, I didn’t (before and after it was all out in the open) I think it’s called the grey rock method. It drove him nuts and he was even more unkind to get a reaction but that made me feel more determined.

and - bloody well done - and hang in there!

Kamek · 10/06/2025 23:52

You could type out an anonymous letter but with enough detail about ow to be clear, and give the impression that it is one of their colleagues who believes you have a right to know what's going on between them. Then post it to your home address addressed to yourself. At least you would have something to A let him know you know and B make him think who knows what about him.
But it's a shit situation to be in all round OP and I hope you're OK!

Alifemoreordinary123 · 10/06/2025 23:53

You are incredibly brave OP - so proud of you for all of this, particularly telling your sister and friend (so hard to say it out loud) and getting your legal ducks in a row.

Another perspective re how you tell him you know. I’ve had the incredible misfortune of having caught two people out for cheating - both via their phone. In both situations I refused to disclose how I knew - I simply asked whether they would like to tell me anything / how they would like to explain their cheating. Both asked how I knew (when they eventually confessed) and I just wouldn’t be drawn and said I’d received evidence. One of them still to this day thinks I had a private detective follow him. It almost gave me the upper hand as they didn’t then know how much I knew (if you see what I mean).

Please be careful when you tell him - in my case both were generally reasonable humans (whilst lying, cheating shits) and I had no concern for my safety. If your STBXH is already emotionally and verbally abusive, I would strongly suggest having a friend in the house, doing it in a neutral place or at least making sure the children are out and someone is outside for you.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking a day at a time (sometimes an hour at a time). You’ve got this and a wonderful life of peace awaits.

NescafeAndIce · 11/06/2025 01:22

Don't type out fake letters, ffs!

CheerfulYank · 11/06/2025 02:07

I’m so proud of you, OP. I can’t wait to hear how you’re doing once you’re on the other side!

SortingItOut · 11/06/2025 05:37

Option 2 for the solicitors, a specialist in family law is exactly what you need.
Close to work is perfect if you are in the office more than at home so you can drop paperwork in if needed or have an appointment during work hours.

I know you probably haven't done it on purpose but I love that you will have spoken to 3 solicitors as it means he can't use them due to conflict (even if you arent using them)...so his choices are reduced 😂

Omgblueskys · 11/06/2025 06:00

MyRootinTootinBaby · 10/06/2025 21:15

I’d be tempted to make sure my profile pic was of the four of us in this holiday, so she can see it if she snoops. She’s obvs got some sort of suspicion if she’s looking for his surname in his friend’s list.

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This yes,
I would put up family pic from weekend on sm tag him in it see how he reacts, he won't want ow seeing it , just little satisfying , surname family time, I wonder how he would react tho,

Omgblueskys · 11/06/2025 06:00

MyRootinTootinBaby · 10/06/2025 21:15

I’d be tempted to make sure my profile pic was of the four of us in this holiday, so she can see it if she snoops. She’s obvs got some sort of suspicion if she’s looking for his surname in his friend’s list.

Show quote history

This yes,
I would put up family pic from weekend on sm tag him in it see how he reacts, he won't want ow seeing it , just little satisfying , surname family time, I wonder how he would react tho,

MinnieDelight · 11/06/2025 06:13

EmmaThompsonsTears · 10/06/2025 22:49

This is a really good point thank you @OchreRaven. I’d considered it to an extent but ultimately he knows he’s guilty, so even if he does try to pick holes in my story, we both know whoever “told” me is telling the truth.

but maybe starting with a more general “somebody told me” would be a good start. It’s just harder to make him question her if I do it that way

Show quote history

‘I’ve been told in depth about you and Stacey’s relationship and I’ve seen and heard enough undeniable evidence to know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s true’
If he pushes to see it or denies I would say ‘you and I both know it’s true, I have no need to prove anything to you’

‘In depth’ suggests someone with a lot of knowledge of the relationship and he can draw his own conclusions about who that might be….

For extra effect / depending on how the chat goes you could go with:
‘You will be getting into a lot of trouble at work if they decide to talk’
OR
‘You will be calling your mother and telling her exactly what you’ve been doing, or I will and I’m very happy to pass her the evidence of you and your ‘girlfriends’ mutual masterbation sessions’ on to her.
(or whatever other evidence you can drop in that will indicate it might have been his lovely ‘gf’ sharing intimate / personal info)

So he’s left wondering either it’s his gf telling you or his gf has been blabbing, and presumably he’s sworn her to secrecy so…

Vie8126 · 11/06/2025 06:36

@EmmaThompsonsTears I have been reading and following and just want to say how amazing you are doing.

I was you 17 years ago now when my children were 8, 4 and 6 weeks old. Pretty much the same younger woman (18!) Was made to feel I was going crazy, told I had PND but I eventually got to the bottom of it and realised I HADNT been crazy. I can’t keep my mouth shut so screamed it from every roof top, kicked him out told his parents etc. The girl knew about us and our family we regularly socialised at her place of work. My in-laws took her in to live with them and cut me off after 11 years of knowing them. The whole thing made me physically so ill I lost a tonne of weight and was around 6stone and lost my hair. Your strength is amazing.

I don’t have any advice other than what’s been given up thread but I can tell you 17 years on that yes it was hard but it was also a lot of fun for me and the children we would have kitchen discos and dance parties etc. Now they are all grown up the older two see their dad differently he has done the same thing over and over to various women that have come and gone and they don’t really have a lot of time for him. Leopards don’t change their spots it seems!

As for me, I’m happy have another child and about to get married again - in the darkness and miserable days I never thought I would ever have the life I have now. Gather your friends round have the coven party laugh and lean into them for support - I did similar and we still laugh about it now all these years later. You and the children will be ok 😊 I would go back and make the same decision a hundred times over despite all those wobbles and worries at the time.