DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

I’d suggest choosing the one you get on best with. I choose a local firm (very local) and my ex went with a big name City firm. I know his divorce cost twice as much per hour than mine. Mine helped me reduce costs as much as possible including a charity mediator for us both to use (we did get kicked out of mediation as ex wasn’t prepared to compete).
I think it’s crucial that you feel they are on your side, will keep costs down and will straight talk to you about what is realistic/worth it.

You are a fantastically strong woman , OP.

I would also sit tight and not reveal how I knew. "Someone told me" is all he needs to know.

Option 2 solicitors sounds like the firm I used. They were great. I did a lot of it myself with their guidance and my costs were a fraction of his.

Good luck. You will get through all of this, and so will your children. He will likely end up bitter amd alone, but that's on him :)

Obviously telling him how you found out needs to be done whichever way you think is best but I'm always baffled by the idea that a woman finding out about her husbands affair by looking at his phone is somehow intrusive and wrong. Most women find out this way either by accident or something in their gut tells them something is off so they check. I honestly don't see a problem with that, nor would I feel any guilt if I did that. The duplicitous bastards don't deserve privacy. The level of deceit it takes to conduct an affair doesn't compare to looking at someone's phone. If he does find out that you did that OP and tries to guilt trip you, say yes and hold your head high, don't apologise for it. He doesn't deserve privacy.

I've been following your thread and just wanted to say you're doing amazing OP.

My advice is not to build up the moment you tell him I'm your head. Don't expect it to be satisfying or anything because things rarely ever turn out the way we want them to. Just think about getting the results you want. His words are worthless anyway.

I'm just throwing this out there.....you mentioned he has suggested couples therapy. Why don't you take that up (some divorcing couples go through this too) and then 'out' him there? You could always then say that you forgot an 'important' email to send, and send the divorce papers whilst there.

It's an idea plus you will be somewhere where he will have to react in a controlled manner.

Just adding, considering it's been a really short time since you found out, you are doing remarkably well. x

Have some one liners ready for when you tell him. So if he tries to derail the conversation by badgering you with questions about how you know, be ready with "It doesn't matter how I know, what matters is the next steps" (or whatever...). Or "Don't try to deflect.... we both know you're guilty...this is about what is going to happen now."
Remember you don't have to answer his questions, just reply straight back with the things you need to say, ignoring his questions.

Also try and plan the conversation.... what do you want to achieve during the conversation, what do you need? Write down the points you want to say and try and gauge what his responses will be and what you will say back. How long do you want the conversation to go on for and how will it end? Who will leave the room/house first and where to? Or will you do it in a public place?

Also have an emergency one liner that you can say if it's going very badly (ie. He's being a bully and you're stuck for words and you just want to get out of there). Something like "you'll be hearing from my lawyer" as you bounce out of there!

I don't want to make you overthink it but I know I would be useless and get completely stuck for words ....I know for me it would more likely go the way I wanted it to if I prepared!

I agree with this.
Don't lie any more than you have to.
Thst you know, and that he.knows it is the truth, is more than enough.
One bonus of not doing the DM-lie thing is that he will wonder forever how you found out.

If he has any complex financial stuff like crypto, which I think you said, pick the firm that seems sharpest and gets the implications of that.

For the conversation, I'd just say that planning in your head how he will react is a hiding to nothing. Don't make up a scenario (DM), be vague/impassive. "I know." You've been told, it's credible, and in any case it checks out with his obvious behaviour. A journalist never reveals their sources. And deliberately creating a scenario where he questions the OW is a waste of time - it's out of your control, and while it would be amusing if that all comes crashing down, it is not useful to you to do that right now. You are simply letting him you know.

Also think about how and when you're going to tell his family, mutual friends. I think I'd personally do that at the same time you sit him down (literally 1 minute before!) so he can't get in there first. Like, "I just wanted you to know that unfortunately Tarquin has been having an affair for several months. I've instructed a lawyer, we're obviously absolutely devastated but I'm trying to stay strong for the children."

Ok so I’ve just spoken to option 3 and feeling pretty torn.

she was very upfront about cost, clearly a good egg and an experienced solicitor with 30 years under her belt. She told me she won’t just tell me what I want to hear - she’s tough love. Which is great.

option 3 is the only firm where I actually got to speak to who I’ll be working with. But also the only firm who weren’t quite as sympathetic. I’m not looking for a pity party but if the person has my back on an emotional level, and are on board with why I’m divorcing him, they might work harder to get what me and the kids need.

But that might just be the difference between talking to an experienced solicitor who’s heard much worse before, and a relatively new paralegal.

option 2 charges £400+ for an initial consultation with a senior solicitor at the firm.

what would you do?

This is such a good point and my best friend said the same ❤️ the important thing is just telling him I know and that we’re divorcing. I don’t have to beat myself up if I forget one killer point

Option 3

Hi, I’ve been watching but not posted. I’m a family solicitor and personally I try to be like option 3. Are you paying me to tell you what you want to hear and listen to your upset or are you paying me to work had to achieve the best possible outcome for you? If you want to sit in my office and pay me £300 an hour for my sympathy then you can but I assume most clients don’t want that so I cut to the chase. Remember we hear this all day every day so it’s just the norm to us. You’ll know who is right for you but to me the third one sounds like exactly who I would want in my corner. Good luck!

Option 3. They will work hard for you because you are their client. It will help them to be emotionally detached.

Sending support - you sound amazing.

I'd go for the one who is a good egg and very experienced. It doesn't matter why you're divorcing him in a legal sense. Your divorce lawyer needs to have your back professionally and financially, not emotionally. I'd want someone hard-nosed about it personally.

option 3 is the only firm where I actually got to speak to who I’ll be working with. But also the only firm who weren’t quite as sympathetic. I’m not looking for a pity party but if the person has my back on an emotional level, and are on board with why I’m divorcing him, they might work harder to get what me and the kids need.

This isn't to sway you either way, because I can see both sides.

Feeling someone has your back is a vitally important, but that doesn't always mean 'sympathetic'. I'm getting the impression you appreciated the acknowledgement of the pain you're going through (understandably) with the other two but there's also a lot to be said for someone who keeps the emotion out of it - but still fights tooth and nail for you.

It's often a gut feeling, not so much with rapport but how much you trust them to do what's needed. That means doing what it takes and going far enough, but also telling you when you're wasting precious mental energy (and money) on a minor point of contention.

Also just because the person you spoke to gave a good impression and felt on your level, doesn't mean the solicitor you work with will. I had a similar with a Direct Access barrister (couldn't meet, email, or speak to the barrister before paying the whole fee upfront - I had to trust the clerk!). The clerk was amazing, personable, thorough, 'got' what we were trying to achieve. Told us the barrister understood it too once he'd read the papers. But the barrister was a disaster - disengaged to the point of looking bored, had no idea about the case in the first meeting, steered us in the wrong direction (with wrong advice) because he didn't know the facts and just didn't care - after all, he'd already been paid in full!

So at least you know 'what' you're gonna get with option 3 - and don't be surprised if the experienced solicitor has lost the human connection somewhat compared to the paralegal etc - it happens, and it's not necessarily a bad thing!

Speaking as a lawyer, albeit in a different specialism, you do not want an emotionally involved solicitor for a few reasons.

1. Every second you spend with your solicitor will cost you money - if you want sympathy, I'd suggest talking with your friends. Otherwise your costs will skyrocket.
2. It is ultimately a business relationship between your solicitor and you. Much like you marriage is actually, at its heart, a financial legal contract / arrangement. People get all tied up in the lovey-dovey romantic ideal and heading off to the sunset to live happily ever after. I feel a lot of women do not fully understand that it is a legal contract which has significant financial consequences. You (and your solicitor) need to treat this like a business deal as far as you can - you may want to fling mud, cause upset or get revenge (you are only human) but you can cut your nose off to spite your face if you are not careful. By maintaining a more formal business relationship, it will help get you in the right headspace for your dealing with your ex. And this sometimes means conceding points you really don't want to - I had to pay my ex off even though he brought nothing but debt and has totally ditched the children, because I knew fighting it would cost me more in legal fees.
3. I would personally prefer a clear headed solicitor that can focus on the actual legal issues and provide me with clear advice. Sometimes, what is morally right is not legally correct - I want anyone acting for me to focus purely on the law and what can be achieved.
4. As a solicitor, I always try to get the best deal I can regardless of my client. But there are certain clients I dread answering the phone too and those are generally the ones that do not help me do my job. I am busy, have a large case load and I have chargeable hours targets I am under pressure to meet. I want clear instructions from my client, any information I need to be provided in full in a timely fashion and then to be left alone to do my job. No solicitor wants to waste time consoling you when they have work to do - yes some will be more sympathetic than others, have a better bedside manner etc... but I'm sure you would rather they focus on what they are qualified to do, which is act as your solicitor and not a friend/counsellor.

Good luck

option 3 is the only firm where I actually got to speak to who I’ll be working with. But also the only firm who weren’t quite as sympathetic. I’m not looking for a pity party but if the person has my back on an emotional level, and are on board with why I’m divorcing him, they might work harder to get what me and the kids need.

I went Option 1. Ex was so unreasonable her first expensive London specialist lawyer invited her to seek alternative advice, and her second layer was also an Option 1 type. It went to trial and cost us (the DC is real terms) £230k. She got the similar reasonable outcome I suggested to her before she went acrimonious.
I doubt these costs would have happened with Options 2 or 3.

I'd go Option 3. National Award Winning family law expert. That got my attention. Some sympathy does help, but sympathy doesn't win arguments, clever, experienced lawyers and KCs do. My guess is that Option 3 would be delighted to rip him a new one if required, and deservedly so.

Rooting for you OP. He sounds like a prize dickhead.

Option 3. She’s not going to counsel you emotionally (none of them are). She sounds excellent on all points.

Seriously consider employing a forensic accountant. This man is not going to accept you taking hold of the narrative and will do his best to punish you for it. So many do this financially. You need a fair outcome for your children’s future.

I agree with option 3. Divorce is no fault these days, so his behaviour doesn't matter to the court. This lawyer will get you the best deal financially and with respect to the children, which is their job and the best and quickest outcome.

I would recommend getting a therapist as soon as possible. That person is paid to listen to your heartbreak and get you through it.

And it will help you have perspective with him and the children. You can vent your anger with a therapist, leaving you able to manage the process without hurting yourself or the children.

You are amazing. You will get through this. And he is your children's father, so he will be in your life in some form for many years.

Option 3. Do not be tempted to use your solicitor as a therapist. Under English law, it doesn't matter why you are divorcing, it's all 'no fault' now. You're likely to be looking at 50/50 on all assets, so don't expect anything more, even though he has caused the marriage breakdown. Read the AdviceNow guides to divorce so you understand the steps and do as much of the preparation yourself to save on costs. Download a copy of Form E and fill it in, so you can hand over that to the solicitor. You don't want to be paying them to do things you can do yourself. Also, look up 'grey rock' and JADE techniques, you will need them. Sending you lots of luck and strength.

@EmmaThompsonsTears Been reading this thread and think you are a tower of strength.

Re. solicitors.
Do you have a local FB group for just women?
I am a member of 'insert town Gossip Girls' - there are are over 10,000 members in my group. It's a great group to ask for recommendations - divorce lawyer comes up a lot so you don't even have to ask a question just search 'divorce.'
You'll notice that multiple endorsements come in with the same names.

That's how my friend found her divorce lawyer, her exDH was a complete bastard. Her lawyer was amazing.

If you don't have the above, option 3 sounds like the person I would want in my corner.

Have to agree with previous posters about not expecting emotional support from your solicitor - that's not their job.

Even before 'no fault' divorce courts really didn't take behavior into account when making financial settlements - my mother was told by the judge that my father could have had a hundred affairs and it still wouldn't change how the marital assets were split. That was 35 years ago.

Nobody cares why you’re divorcing him. You really do need to Understand that and that will apply to his family mutual friends the courts the school and the kids.
If you try and look at the divorce as a business transaction you are severing a contract and your solicitors job is to get you the best deal available when you are released from a contract that you want to sever.

There's so many wise and knowledgable women on here. I wish you all the best going forward OP x

Agree. All he needs to know is you know and you’re divorcing him. It doesn’t matter how he reacts. That’s on him.

I do think you should plan the confrontation with a view to how you want it to end. Where does he go? What support do you have?

Maybe see if your sister/ best friend can come round so she’s there if the kids wake up etc and can support you after? Take him aside and say we need to have a chat. Just before the chat message his mother and say that you are having a difficult discussion with him tonight and he may need a place to stay. Once you have finished the conversation tell him to call his mum as she is expecting his call. Get him to tell her what is happening and why. Then ask him to go stay with her while you both process the next steps.

With your sister/ best friend in the house he’s unlikely to get aggressive or verbally abusive and if he does you have her support. And after you have someone there to debrief with.