DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

I take my hat off to you, I really do - you are so strong. I don't even know you and can't see into the future, but I know you and your DC are going to be absolutely fine - because they have YOU for their mum! What a brilliant role model they will have growing up.

If you have a wobble at any point just keep retelling yourself you're doing all this to protect your DC. Protecting them from growing up thinking that this (the abuse/gaslighting/emotionally unavailable) is what a 'normal' relationship looks like, that this is how a man treats a woman in a relationship. Because your children would grow up to replicate this. You are saving them from this.

That's what I used to tell myself on a 'down' day after I split from exH. Then I'd soon snap out of it. And give myself a pat on the back. You will too one day.

As an aside, you mentioned your wedding songs - I used to listen to my first dance song on repeat and feel sad. But one day something snapped inside of me - he wasn't getting control (albeit 'by proxy') of how I felt about MY songs - what I mean is I loved that song and I wasn't about to let his actions now prevent me from still loving it.
When it comes up on my playlist now I enjoy it, some days it may get an eye roll or I might say "Prick!" out loud while it's on, but I still enjoy it. He really is just a sad, little man who I waste no emotional energy on now whatsoever - it's glorious.

Keep being strong, you're superwoman, you've got this 💪🏼💪🏼

Hello all - we are officially HOME 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
do I have to spend the rest of the weekend in his company? Likely yes
do i keep picking long fights every time he offers up a minor criticism? Yes
am I actually now looking unreasonable because of this? MOST LIKELY YES.

the irony is that today he did everything I’ve asked him to do when he gets shirty about something minor - he was clear about what he wanted, didn’t make things tense in front of the kids, and took himself away when he got too pissed off. He managed to hide away and sulk the whole way through bedtime, and then calmly told me what the problem was when I came into our room to probe him later. But obviously I’ve got all this stuff hanging over me, so I picked at everything he said and then laughed in his face whenever he made himself out to be the good guy.

Solicitor chats can’t come soon enough. Legit cannot wait to tell him what I know. I think the MN advice about squirrelling money away for months is fine for some, but I’ve not got that level of long game in me. The length of my game is purely long enough to see a solicitor and get their advice before filing.

Still, it’s nice that he’s trying. 9 months after fucking someone else. Nearly 1 week after I found messages telling someone else he loved her. In fact it’s probably my attitude shift that’s made him bother.

I’d also be fascinated to know if he’s still talking to ‘her outdoors’ while he does all this.

Anyway ive decided that when it’s all out in the open, im sending out an invitation to all of my closest friends to come round and have a coven party. Ritual burnings in the garden. Lots of wine. Dress code: witch.

oh and I’m trading in my wedding and engagement rings for some rings with the kids’ birth stones. And his wedding ring too. He won’t miss it as he’s never worn it. He only got one for the day because I insisted it meant something to me - but didn’t give enough of a shit to keep wearing it. And yet I let him brand me with his name…

Can I come to the coven party? Sounds fantastic 😊

Witches of MN gather at Stonehenge on Midsummer Night?

I hope you are giving yourself some slack/self care op it's been a long difficult week holding it all together for which I admire you. The anger is starting to come to the fore now which is understandable please get your appt for advice ASAP so you can release some of the pent up tension/anger with some knowledge of your position to back you up. You're close to breaking point keep the upper hand, get the info then unleash like a tiger. Hugs

Op just loving your strength,
This on tv today and thought of you,
Whitney houston, it not right but it's OK , youtube it, video of her singing this is great,

You did it, well done!

Have you found The Legal Queen on instagram yet? Think she was on This Morning this week aswell - simple straightforward tips about divorce and which bits you are best to get a solicitor for and which you can do yourself (like filing online).

I wonder whether he did take your ‘honest’ chat seriously - be prepared that you serving him divorce papers might be a wake up call for him. Sounds like it’s too little too late as far as you’re concerned - but be wary if he starts begging and think very carefully about what you’d need in order to continue the relationship.

🧙🏻‍♀️✨

When you dump him from a great height @EmmaThompsonsTears focus on telling him it’s because of his failings as a husband and father - running away when it got tough and being too weak and emotionally immature to deal with things tough. For criticising and belittling you. For being a fucking failure. And then frame his cheating as the final nail in the coffin and emphasise how pathetic it is and what a sad cliche he is. He’s made you feel shit for long enough, yes you’re hurt but actually - you’re disappointed he’s such a let down and embarrassed he’s such a cliche. That’ll cut deeper IMO cos otherwise he can just say he fell in love with someone else while you were being a bitch, or he’ll minimise the cheating. If it’s about him being shit as a human, it takes his power away.

Time your chat for the full moon in readiness 🤣

Glad you survived and thrived! It will be ok. Emotions will be up and down by the hour. It’s ok to feel hurt and mourn your marriage and the man he was btw x

‘Alarm’ by Anne Marie on loud. ‘ I know she’s calling but what the fuck’

@EmmaThompsonsTears drop the name fast. New passport, driving licence, etc. Feels very freeing.
If you want the same name as kids go double barreled.

I had a 'dickhead' party after my ex went. It was a great night. We had a 'pin the dick' on his head game, a forfeit pass the parcel game - do an impression of him/punch the cushion as if it's his face etc. Played strong women songs. Cocktails, nibbles. Very therapeutic! Love the witches night idea - can I come please?!

The song ‘Who’s David?’ By Busted.
Not a band I’d normally listen to but the words are great and it’s pretty upbeat. Okay it’s about a guy calling out his girlfriend but the lyrics are good.

‘Are you sure that you're mine?
Aren't you dating other guys?
'Cause you're so cheap, and I'm not blind
You're not worthy of my time
Somebody saw you sleep around the town
And I've got proof because the word's going around
Don't know you….

You left your phone, so I invaded
I hated what I saw
You stupid lying -, whos David? ‘

The line ‘you’re so cheap and im
not blind, You’re not worthy of my time’ upbeat yet so true.

Hope you are okay op.

'God may forgive you but I don't' is a great song about an unfaithful husband by Iris Dement.

EmmaThompsonsTears Don’t get pulled into his games by trying to rile you into a shouting match, be above that, be calm, think of cleaning the loo with his toothbrush, it clears the mind.
You phoned two solicitors are you going to contact them and fix your half an hour free with each one, to see which you prefer, to plan for your DC’s and your future?

Ok so anger is normal. And healthy. And justified.

if you can get a handle on it then use it.

can you get some time with a friend or your sister for a coffee? Sounds like you need a break from the pressure cooker.

Chumplady is brilliant

I've been following your thread and think you are amazing. Well done on getting through the holiday. Hope the next bit is as smooth as it can be.

Thank you so much for this recommendation @TheRealMrsFeltz! He went out earlier when the kids were in bed and I watched loads of her reels - super informative and really helped me feel like I was equipped with the basics, so thank you!

I tried to get out of a family outing with another couple & their baby (husband is DH’s mate primarily) today so I could spend less time with DH, but he said “you committed to it ages ago” and they are lovely, so I went. I mean, my brain was going “you committed to me ages ago too SIR but that didn’t stop you SHAGGING ANOTHER WOMAN”, but luckily the filter was filtering.

A weird thing though - the wife in the couple told me she had a weird dream last night - that we all came on the outing, but DH brought another woman along and kept telling them it was me. She knew it wasn’t me but was too scared to say anything, she said.

Now either wife from Lovely Couple is psychic, or this was a weird way of her telling me she knew something. I actually think the former is more likely, bizarrely 😂 but it’s mad how revelations like this suddenly make you paranoid and question everything. Who knew? Why didn’t they tell me? Am I the last to know?

Anyway, I’m back in the office on Tuesday, so I’ll have the mental and physical space to make a few Very Important Calls and get things moving. Watch this space…

TWO LYRICS TO END WITH because I’m using music as an emotional channel in an admittedly slightly juvenile way:

”And it’s hard to dance, with the devil on your back so shake him off.” - Florence and the Machine

”Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence”— Alanis Morrisette

oh and once again - thank you mumsnet. What a wonderful help you’ve been over the last few days ❤️

There's another great lyric from Alanis' You Oughtta Know. Got me through my first husband's serial cheating.

Cause the love that you gave, that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died? 'til you die
But you're still alive..

I don't think she knew OP. No one would be that brazen to say it. My guess is that she was innocently re-calling a strange dream.

I dont really know what else to say to you but to take it all day by day. You have super human strength to be able to play happy family's after this bus has hit you. I'm guessing you're in survival mode.

Also I'm sorry that you ended up with a shitty human being. His behaviour has nothing to do with you. You just fell for his charms at the beginning (like we all do) but the mask has fallen. And thank God it has fallen. Now you see clearly.

Sending you good thoughts and wishing you and the children the best.

Oh god don’t get me started on the song lyrics rabbit hole. But if you insist…

These need to be played very loud.

A Lot More Free by Max McNown
When you love somebody and the love grows cold
The sun starts shining when you let it all go
There's a certain kinda hurtin' only time can heal
That's a pretty good picture of the way I feel
I'm a little bit hurt, but a lot more free
I ain't saying that you never took a toll on me
For what it's worth, I can finally see
That I'm a little bit hurt, but a lot more free
Yeah, I'm a little bit hurt, but a lot more free

McAlmont & Butler ~ Yes
So you wanna know me now
How I′ve been
You can't help someone recover
After what you did
So tell me, am I looking better?
Have you forgot
Whatever it was that you couldn′t stand
About me, about me, about me?
(Because)
Yes, I do feel better (better)
Yes, I do, I feel alright (I'm better now)
I feel well enough to tell you what you can do with what you've got
To offer

I hope your DH was shitting his pants when his mates wife was playing Mystic Meg over lunch 😉

"A weird thing though - the wife in the couple told me she had a weird dream last night - that we all came on the outing, but DH brought another woman along and kept telling them it was me. She knew it wasn’t me but was too scared to say anything, she said."

She knows, and wants to tell you but is too scared to outright tell you, so she's told you cryptically instead.

You should say something along the lines of, 'wasn't that weird what Friend said about you with another woman? And watch his reaction...