DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

I would become ill, and cut short the holiday. The anger and adrenaline is now turning to deep sadness and despair as it wears off. You are going to find it almost impossible to carry on. You need the support of home, and to be able to grieve the terrible loss you are going through.

This holiday is only serving as a delay tactic to face the reality that is coming. The pressure to keep up appearances will become so hard. Take care of yourself. Your own heart. I hope you are okay op.

I think that you are going to have to work through this grieving process, and you will have moments of strength and elation and moments of fear and pain.

As my therapist always told me, you either rip the plaster off, or pull it off slowly. Both hurt, but in different ways. Both have the same result, and you don't truly heal until the plaster has gone.

In my case, I made the mistake of forgiving over and over again, falling for the gaslighting, and believing the abuse for decades until I eventually collapsed. But I got out, and I'm good now. You sound so strong, please don't beat yourself up if you have nad moments or days.

@EmmaThompsonsTears sending you a big unmumsnetty squeeze. It sucks that you can't recognise the man you married any more and he's become a prize thundercunt. But you've got this - think of what's on the other side of it. Nobody making you feel shite about yourself. Nobody lying to you. Pleasing yourself and the kids. Not having to turn yourself inside out to please someone who won't be satisfied with anything you do.

It will be better when you're out the other side. You can do it x

You are doing good, don’t let go now, it’s for your DC and your future.
I used to think of my DC future together with me and block ex out of my mind. An argument was another £10 away.
Chose a good song for yourself eg I Will Survive, and sing it in your head. Don’t let him get into your head, ’grey rock’ him. .
Forget about OW, think of your future and what you can do for yourself, hang on in there you are doing well.
She who laughs last, laughs longest.

Good luck OP.
You’ll feel so much better once it’s all sorted.
FWIW I thought I wanted my kids for the vast majority of the time (did almost everything before split) but ExH wanted more equal.

Ours is about 65/35 and I really enjoy my downtime. Assumed I’d hate it and at first I sat and cried all the time 🤣 but soon got over it and now go to the gym, date, chill, have a life. I always pick up more when he asks and happy to do. Doing it all alone all the time is lonely.

Edited to say mine were 1 and 4 when we split and he didn’t move out until nearly a year later

Oh OP, sending you the biggest handhold. Please give yourself credit, you’re holding it together despite spending 24/7 with someone you’ve just discovered has betrayed you in a way that will upend all of your lives. I’m not surprised you’re all over the place; a lesser woman would’ve been hitting the mother’s ruin before breakfast by now! But you’re doing it and proving to yourself just how incredibly strong you are.

I don’t recognise the man I married anymore.

You’ve mentioned before that it felt like a switch flipped when he began his affair, but I suspect it’s more complicated than that. It’s probable that he always had the capacity to behave this way but managed to hide it. When his needs were being met and he was the centre of your world, he could maintain the appearance of being kind and loving and attentive. But life happened and the dynamic shifted in your relationship - kids, PND etc etc and the version of him that couldn’t tolerate not having his needs met or been the priority started to show.

Out of interest, how long have you been together? And how long before you had children?

It likely that he’s been suppressing the nastier parts of himself but that kind of masking is hard to sustain over the long haul. Now the mask has slipped and his selfishness, emotional detachment, and cruelty over the last few months have started to show but they may well have been there all along. The shift could have been driven by stress or boredom or resentment, or a desire to escape etc.. But whatever the reason, I suspect the affair is a symptom of a deeper rot—not the root cause.

I think it’s very telling that he’s cheating with someone significantly younger, likely more naive, and his subordinate. That kind of power imbalance says a lot.

If you look back, were there red flags you dismissed? Subtle signs—how he handled stress, conflict, accountability, empathy? Was there ever any kind of control?

Of course, it’s also possible that in order to manage the guilt of cheating, he’s flipped a switch internally. But still, normal people don’t just wake up and accidentally fall into an affair one day. A one-night stand, maybe. But sustained deceit over months requires a level of selfishness and entitlement that doesn’t appear out of nowhere. Even with love goggles he hasn’t got the balls to call it a day, so he’s punishing you.

And honestly, even if he hadn’t cheated, I hope you’d still be considering leaving because the way he’s treated you is reason enough.

These are early days and you are grieving not just the relationship and the man you thought you knew, but also the future you imagined together. It’s brutal. And the only way out is through—minute by minute, hour by hour. You’ll be sick of hearing it but I promise it does get easier.

Just maybe lay off listening to the wedding songs anymore 😉

This is great to know, thank you 🙏🏻 what does that look like on a weekly basis?
(eg Monday - Thursday you, Friday - Sunday him etc)
did the kids find all the transitions disruptive at 2 and 5 or was it ok?

I’ve been on the other side of this as a step mum. We lived over 100 miles away so it was Friday to Sunday every other weekend. At 2 and 5 it will very quickly become their normal, give it six months and they’ll take it completely for granted. Everything for us went really well from the kids’ point of view, I think the person the transition will be hardest for, unfortunately, is you initially until you start to enjoy the time without them. Eventually it will be fine. And don’t worry about wobbling, it’s inevitable, you’re being incredibly strong.

Thank you so much for taking the time to craft such a thoughtful response - and for making me smile with that last line!

We’ve been together for 14 years. Met in fresher’s week at uni. We were each other’s first love. Got married just before Covid. Dog 2020. DC1 2021, DC2 2023. Big house move 2024.

Give or take one or two meaningless high school boyfriends, he’s all I’ve ever known. But it’s entirely possible that my initial naivety meant I missed some red flags over the years. Eg Silent treatment / withholding affection if we fell out over something (we were long distance during the uni holidays / for about a year after uni, which made this particularly torturous for me).

you might be onto something though. DC2 had some health issues that required surgery (DC is fine now and an absolute fireball!). DH struggled to cope at the time. 7 weeks after the operation, it’s my understanding that he slept with OW for the first time. I’ve only just done the maths today.

7 weeks after the operation, it’s my understanding that he slept with OW for the first time.

I hope you include this little detail in your message to the OW. What an utter shit. When he should’ve been supporting you and your dc. Sounds like you’ve been carrying this family for a long time @EmmaThompsonsTears

‘All cruelty springs from weakness’ ~ Seneca

What a conniving twat. Hope it all goes well when you get home whatever you decide to do.

It's tough but he'll blame you for everything anyway, it's his plan, he doesn't care and hasn't got the balls to do anything, he will leave it up to you to start a divorce, he's lazy and selfish, just like my ex. Once home he'll be straight on the phone to ow, does she even know you're there with him, it'll be some sob story bollox about how awful and mental you are, don't fall for it. I'd try not to spend too much time analysing his affair, once you've split the novelty will wear off, he'll have no one to lie to anymore, no more secret drama and phone calls. It'll all be a bit of a damp squib for him, I'd let the solicitor work out fair custody and the financial side of things. When are you due back at work, I'd be tempted to take a few days off, get the paperwork together, see your sister and keep out his way, when he starts nit picking just walk away knowing you'll soon be free of this idiot telling you what to do and arguing the toss about nothing. I wouldnt bother messaging ow, i contacted my ex ow mum to tell her to come and collect her things that she'd moved into my house while I was away on a 1 week holiday, gawd knows who they thought all my clothes belonged to, I'll never forget her whimpering, he didn't even have the courage to be there to explain, men like ours are weak and pathetic. Your life withnyour babies will only get happier and stronger.

Basically, all your significant life events since the age of 18 have been with him so his transformation from your champion to your enemy is completely bewildering. The rug has been pulled out from under you and the person who you would normally turn to for support is now the person that you need protection from so no wonder you are having moments of doubt and sorrow.

You are being amazingly brave and your children are lucky to have such a strong and loving mum. The other woman is inferior to you in every single way but for a shallow inadequate man, she is young and adoring and is offering a responsibility-free fun relationship with none of the work and worries that children bring to a marriage. Men like him love to re-write history to justify their actions. Don't, for one minute, think that any of this is your fault. He will try and blame you as he won't want to be the bad guy in the eyes of the world.

He's a lying, cheating, gaslighting arsehole and you are amazing.

What a prince!
Might be best to go grey rock until you're ready to tell him to leave. Not worth arguing with him when you know you're done.
And get yourself a 'Kick him in the balls' playlist.

OP, my husband ended our marriage (no affair that I had proof of, but within a year was in a relationship with the woman I'd suspected) when our children were 4 and 2.

I'm not going to lie because at times it was horrendously hard - managing both of them alone, and also when they went to his for a night. But they are massively resilient and managed so well. They don't remember him living with us, and the three of us, a decade on, are really close.

If moving will be good for you in terms of support and work, it will be good for the children. I understand not wanting to move your DS but honestly this age is a good time for those changes. We moved DD's school after year 2 and she managed fine, after reception also it would have been ok.

You can do this. It's a hard road but you won't be alone.

I would think the only way would be to take the kids off and do things without him but then again he would probably spend his time ringing her.
I would say cancel the holiday then tell him you know and solicitors apt coming up

The more you write about him the more obvious this isn’t just about the affair, it’s because he’s a weak, cruel, abusive, domineering, entitled little man. My ex checked out for other reasons and was vile and we did the eggshells thing. I spent years making excuses that it must be depression etc due to life events. No he just wanted out and didn’t have the balls to say so and started to treat me and dc worse and worse to push me to end it. I’m not saying he wants to leave for her, but that maybe he wants out so he can selfishly be a bachelor again and his awful behaviour to you is that he’s hoping you will end it and he doesn’t have to be the bad guy and you can be the one to blame.

A good partner has your back and lifts you up, not criticise you and kicks you down. Even if there was no affair he’s shown you who he is now in his treatment of you and your eyes are open.

He’s nasty and abusive so the safest thing for you is to have an exit / escape plan ready to execute before you say anything. He’s not going to be falling over himself to take the blame. He’s used to being the one with power over you. Having your ducks in a row takes his power away.

The divorce is straightforward these days as it’s no fault and just some online forms. It’s the dc and finances that get used as weapons. Some people leave and take the dc and stay with family or get a secret rental. some want to stay in family home. What do the finances look like if he cooperates v if he doesn’t. What’s the likely eventual financial split v the short term when there’s a mortgage liability to be paid. What do benefit and CM calculators spit out. You have a good job and are financially independent and a supportive family so you are in a great position.

It sounds like you’ve had a tough couple of years but instead of working together to support each other, he checked out and then he betrayed you. I don’t think you really know someone until you’ve been through the hard stuff with them. However, silent treatment and withholding affection shows a patter of control, avoidance and emotional immaturity that unfortunately makes a lot of sense with what’s happening now. Doesn’t make it any less painful though. Does he share you and his family on social media? I ask because if he doesn’t, this is a red flag he’s been in the ‘single man’ mindset for some time.

You’re so young - you’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of you. You deserve someone who gets down in the trenches when life gets hard, who doesn’t punish or withdraw, who doesn’t need to blame you for their own unhappiness. FWIW it does sound like OW is a bit of a pathetic distraction. But you change so much in your 20’s and 30’s - sounds like you’ve done the emotional growth and he hasn’t.

Keep going, hope your hols are nearly over!

Gobsmacked to read

Youngest child had surgery
DH "struggled to cope" but found that starting an affair was a way of coping that really worked for him.

OP didn't have the luxury of struggling to cope so instead got on with getting her youngest through their health issue.

What a great character he is.

You are well rid OP. Shake the dust from your sandals and don't look back.

Thank you so much for this.

the more I think about it the more I see it as he just couldn’t hack the responsibility. Of supporting our family financially. Of having two children. Even more so of having a child with health issues.

so 9 months in he shat himself and decided to pretend he was in his 20s again. In a long distance affair that wasn’t quite real enough to impact real life. Or so he thought.

the betrayal is incredibly real. And @GiantSaucepan is right - he just hasn’t matured. @DuckbilledSplatterPuff is also bang on - and I’ve tried to explain this to him a thousand times before - that mums don’t have the luxury of struggling to cope, because the buck always always stops with us. Even if we get to hand the baby over to someone else for a few minutes, we can never really relax. Because we know that sooner or later we’ll be needed again.

he got a fraction of a taste of that and folded like a deck chair.

Loving the idea of a ‘kick him in the balls’ playlist

@EmmaThompsonsTears
Have a look at the Chump Lady website.
For what it's worth, I think you'll be absolutely fine without him. You're doing it all on your own already, FFS.

Don’t go you absolutely will burst it out whilst on holiday no human being could hold that in

Perhaps you should read the OP again and updates.

Mine is called “now that’s what I call dumped” 😀Alanis Morissete features heavily although the song on repeat this week has been piece of my heart by Janis Joplin. It’s very cathartic to belt out at high volume.