DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Oh love no great advice except to send you a massive hug and tell you that you'll be much better off without him! What a piece of sh....

I would make up some bad news so it covers for your change in mood. So sorry this is happening.

It’s UK but I think I’d struggle to hide the real reason I was staying behind. And I want to give him no reason to realise I know his secret, and then hide money for our kids’ futures. It’s so much harder to get paperwork for stuff when it’s all online!

Gosh do you really think you'll be able to keep it in for the week? I wouldn't be able to do that at all. I found out about my ex's nine month affair and I did have to fake it for a family weekend a few days later but I couldn't have faked it with him. It might be really awful if it all comes bursting out while you're away. Totally understand wanting to sort things out, do you think he will try to hide money?

He’s justified the affair in his head so I think he could justify anything at this point. I also can’t afford the house on my own but would be ok if I downsized. Just so sad. He’s been so cruel to me over the last 9 months and led me to believe that my behaviour and how “I’d changed since the kids were born” were responsible for our relationship problems. Now I see he’d just fallen in love with someone else. And was making me the bad guy to justify his guilt. It’s so depressingly typical.

i knew 6 months before I handed papers to my ex that I was going to. It gave me really valuable time to stash some cash (have a secret box safe), gather papers and set some stuff in motion on my terms.

if you can do this by stealth it’ll be the best thing ever. Just say you’ve been feeling peri menopausal / out of sorts / unwell to explain distance

Does it get easier once you get through the early days? I barely slept last night and kept thinking about the right time to drop papers in his lap. But our eldest goes to school in September and it’ll just throw a massive bomb into his little life.
That said, any disruption is better than bearing witness to how DH treats me for life. It’s no way to model a relationship.

Why are you going on holiday with him??

Fake an illness and stay home, though I guess you're going to say he wouldn't manage the children by himself.

There used to be a genius thread by a lady who stocked up for months, getting cash back in supermkt, next size up school uniform, cleaning products, gift cards for hair dresser etc. Before telling her cheating OH she was out !

@EmmaThompsonsTears this is the point you need to bring in your very best drama skills- have in your head ‘I need to maximise everything for me and the little ones’ - mysteriously have a case of thrush or cystitis whilst you are away - smile sweetly whilst thinking ‘prick’ - it’s hard but it’s totally to your advantage to ride it out - it’s hard to do I know so keep in the back of your head ‘you are not my friend’ at all times.

You can’t hide money @EmmaThompsonsTears sorry having just been through it all, you have to declare all accounts

Who is going on the family holiday - just the 4 of you?

Can you feign some kind of mild illness to explain your distraction? And just focus on the children having the best time.

How long do you think you need for digging for financial/pension information and gathering together some money?

Personally I’d be plying him with booze one evening and screenshot whatever you can from his phone if/when he passes out - messages to OW, banking info, etc.

Try and get some time to yourself to make some phone calls and set up a solicitor appointment for as soon as you get home.

This is a great shout thank you. I think I could get info together in a few days. Unfortunately I’ll have to go through him for a lot of the non-everyday accounts (investments / crypto) but I’m sure I can think of a premise for that

And yep just the 4 of us. It’ll be extra concentrated in the evening but he’ll probably just stay on his phone and ignore me so that plays to my advantage

I'd go, focus on the children and start proceedings online. Keep out of his way, feign illness, you will know when he calls ow when hes on the phone, goes out on his own and makes up some pathetic excuse just feel confident inside knowing it'll soon be over, she's welcome to him. If you can get access to his phone I'd send a happy family selfie photo, which you took, to ow when you get back.

ive written her a message already and plan to send it when I’ve served him 😂 she’s young and naive, and I don’t think she’d be too happy to know her “boyfriend” was still having sex with me two nights ago (she knows he has kids). Hopefully she’ll come to her senses and not waste her best years on him like I did.

Rise above it. She will able have been told bad things about you and frankly, probably won’t care if she’s young.

You don’t owe her a heads up if she knows he is married with kids. But no doubt he has laid it on thick so she thinks he’s some sort of martyr who is staying for the kids. When in reality he’s abusing you all. Take everything you can get because he won’t look out for your family once he’s confronted with the truth.

He will do the same to her one day. Probably once she has had a baby and is no longer acting like he is the centre of the universe.

I remember an OW once saying that she received a very mature and well intentioned message from the ex-wife which really made her realise the impact the affair had and also gave her a fresh perspective on the lies she had been told by the man involved. It led her to ending the relationship. However in many cases the OW is so in denial nothing you say will matter.

I remember that thread about the woman getting her things in order.

coats and shoes for the next few years.
replace bedding, duvets, cutlery, crockery etc (as much as you can get away with) and stash the old stuff at a friends.
same with lawn mower and garden bits.
kettle/microwave/toaster.
Get yourself a capsule wardrobe and a nice dress - a style that will last. Plus handbag and underwear etc.

Sane with groceries- stash wash powder, dishwasher tablets, tins, cleaning products at a friends. An extra £20-50 per shop depending on what you can get away with.

Pay all school trips on account for the next year.
Overpay if you get tax free childcare.

Basically items that will last and save you thousands.

A course if you need to upskill.

If you focus on this you may manage the holiday and longer. The fact that you are calm and level headed and not falling apart makes me think you will do this.

Clear your browser - he will judge you by his standards and he is likely to check your phone thinking you are up to no good.

You do not go and you tell him why, don’t prolong the torture. Kick him out

As for the woman who is daft enough to fall for his lies. Leave them to it initially - him being distracted will help you as he won’t be focused on making you miserable and/ or winning you back if you dump him.

You may find when divorce is on the cards he changes his tune and wants to remain married. A friend managed to use the new woman to get her ex to sign quicker by mentioning to the new woman at kids drop off that he just needed to sign the paperwork he had sat on for three weeks.

You sound strong op. How you feeling? Are you still in shock or deep down are you okay wit separating?

I think I’m still in shock to be honest. I’m moving between righteous anger, worry about the future, sadness, and weirdly - elation.

he has gaslit me for months. I’m in therapy trying to sort out some of the patterns of behaviour he said were ruining our relationship. If I didn’t do minor life admin tasks exactly as he’d decided they should be done, I heard no end of it. I’ve been constantly treading on eggshells, doing my best to stop doing the little things that were annoying him. But he constantly moved the goalposts and I couldn’t do anything right.

now I know why it’s lit a fire in my belly. This isn’t my fault. I don’t deserve this. I’m not responsible for the breakdown of our relationship, like he led me to believe. He is.

it’s oddly liberating. I’m not a terrible person after all. He is.

@EmmaThompsonsTears that’s the spirit!!

You sound really strong, and heartbreaking as this is I suspect you’re about to go on to far far greater things without him. Treat your holiday as merely part of your game plan - an opportunity to keep him sweet while digging out all and every piece of evidence you can find.

However, do you think he might be waiting until the hols are over to leave? I.e; are you confident you can bide your time?

A relationship that puts you in therapy to work out what’s wrong with you and why your husband is treating you like shit is an abusive on. Once the initial shock and heartache subsides, the calm you will be able go enjoy in a peaceful home that’s all yours without a bully belittling you and making you feel unworthy will be priceless.

I hope you’ve got a support network around you. Well done brave lady, he’s about to get a shock at how much he has underestimated you.

Thank you so much. I really needed this today.

i honestly can’t wait to live in peace. There’s just a lot of mess to get through first. And my poor, poor babies.

in answer to your question, I think he’s too much of a coward to leave off his own back. If he did, he’d never admit this was the reason. I have lost all respect for him. Tiny, tiny man.

I can’t wait to tell his mum what he’s done