DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

I know exactly how you feel having found out my exH was having an affair. I had to put on a brave face for quite some time as I didn't want him to know that I knew. We also went on a family holiday. It gave me time to prepare myself financially (armed with information, etc) and mentally and gave me some sort of strength knowing that I was dealing with the situation and he was carrying on thinking I knew nothing! Focus on your children and their happiness as well as yourself as much as you can. You sound strong but I know only too well how difficult it is so thinking of you.

I wouldn’t be going.
I would say I am too ill to travel anywhere. He can take the dc ( if you trust him) I don’t think it’s possible to hold it all in for a week on holiday, it will be a testing environment even without this, with such young children, he is more likely to notice something isn’t right.

I would stay at home, he can take dc out for day trips. You can spend the time getting organised. Getting legal advice and preparing a smooth transition for dc. Counselling will be good, keep going, no doubt you started to trust yourself op and realised it was not you - or your patterns. It was him all along, blaming you so he could carry on justifying his own terrible actions. That level of manipulation and deceit is going to be hard to get past alone.

My only caution here is how do you know how much time you have before the OW wants more or he’s decided he’s ’had enough of your behaviour’ and pulls the plug.

I like what you’re doing OP but do it quickly. Get the important stuff sorted asap just in case.

You’ve got this OP.
It’s a horrible situation to be in, one that too many of us know about, but you are strong & can build a better life for you without him.
Keep doing what you are doing. A few bits of advice although feel free to ignore:

Listening to something at night, eg a meditation track or white noise. You need to block out the thoughts to help you be able to sleep.

You don’t need to know everything they’ve been up to & you don’t need to gather evidence of the affair (just enough that he can’t deny it). Focus on finding financial information.

You will have a smoother relationship, which you need to ensure he keeps up his side of the agreement re paying child maintenance & seeing the kids, if you don’t seek retribution. I wouldn’t post on social media about it. Tell people in person & gradually. Everyone will still know but it won’t be so obvious to him.

Don’t contact the OW to tell him what your ex is like, she’s likely not to believe you. He’ll have spun her lots of lies about you.

You’ll be surprised at some people’s reactions. I had relatives try to tell me to make it work even though he’d walked out by that point. I presume they think I should have turned a blind eye. I also had others say that you don’t know what goes on in a marriage like this could justify his actions.

Every situation is different so this might not be right for you. Take care and one day you’ll look back and this will be a distant memory.

Regarding the OW from a legal point of view with no fault divorce does this really come into it. The finance stuff absolutely but proof of the affair?

It’s really unlikely he could hide money, if it gets taken out of a joint account etc. I honestly do not know why you’d even consider putting yourself into the situation of the holiday. If I were you , I’d be packing for holiday and then announcing he wasn’t welcome. Then I’d go, take the kids , get some space and make a plan.

Ooh yes I remember this!! Do this OP

You really don’t need to plot for months. Tell him to sod off and get a good solicitor. Thats really all there is to it!!

( as a side note, forget about the OW, don’t make yourself look sad and desperate, she is nothing to you. Keep your dignity!)

This is really good advice on all counts, thank you. I wasn’t planning to post on social media but may skip announcing to our mutual friends based on your words.
I’ve got slightly more sleep tonight but still woken up feeling sick. Hopefully holiday mum mode will be enough of a distraction - I can handle the evenings after that.
The impulse to message OW is a knotty one. Fundamentally I don’t want him to sail off into the sunset with her once im “out of the way” - I want him to have nothing. To really feel the weight of what he’s done to us. He’s also long distance with her so if i can get through to her, she could block contact and cause him pain that way. It’s not like he’s met her on the nursery run and sleeping with her every week. But you’re right, it could easier backfire.

I had a new born was on maternity pay, I did the same built up a stash of cash as we had a joint account. Mainly cash back from super markets.
basically paid for my legal fees in the divorce because he was an absolute arsehole when it came to that and it went on for ages . I was earning £12k a year by that point and he knew I couldn’t afford to fight for the house. I did though because of my stash. Sorry your going through this, be strong - we all somehow mange to get through these terrible times - 8 yrs later I am in such a happier better place

OP mentioned crypto and investments. I think she does need to keep calm and gather information where she can. He could have huge amounts of money stashed away, all in online wallets. There won't be any paperwork so evidence would have to be screenshots.

Honestly. My post was only about his investments. MN is absolutely paranoid about any mention of certain types that OP has already mentioned upthread. The sort thst dont have any paperwork.
I was suggesting that OP discreetly looks into these and gets screenshots if she can.

Oh. They have unhidden it now.

I’d probably tell him now, don’t go on the holiday, kick him out and use the time you’ve booked off work for doing the practicalities.

You sound pretty fabulous - do exactly what you need to to get through this horrible time - your life will get better. Use all the advice from MN. Perhaps have symptoms of ibs all week that should keep him at arms length.

@EmmaThompsonsTearsAnd if any of the utility bills are in your name, overpay on them. I know someone who did this.

I would lie and say a close friend/family member is really sick and they need you now. Ask him to take the kids and tell him you will join him later.

The impulse to message OW is a knotty one. Fundamentally I don’t want him to sail off into the sunset with her once im “out of the way” - I want him to have nothing. To really feel the weight of what he’s done to us. He’s also long distance with her so if i can get through to her, she could block contact and cause him pain that way.

I think it depends what you want to say to her. If it’s ’I know about you’ then so what? You could just look like the bitter wife. If it’s to show her that her boyfriend isn’t the honest or wronged prince he’s made himself out to be. I.e; if she doesn’t know about you / he’s told her you live separate lives / your relationship is over by all but in name - then yes, I think fair enough and in your boots I absolutely would. But you might want to show evidence otherwise, again, you could look like the unhinged one and he’ll deny it to her.

It also sounds like you know you’re doing this not for her benefit but for retribution / revenge against him. It’s good to be honest with yourself - revenge really is a dish best served cold though. So don’t do it in the heat of the moment - really plan it carefully. And acknowledge he will likely turn this all around on you and it’ll be your fault (he’ll likely do this anyway to be fair).

Practically, if he does end up leaving you for her and she’s long distance then you might find he’s not there for the kids anymore - while you might hate him presumably you want your kids to have their dad around and not be schlepping miles around the country to see him? Unless you want him out the way, this would be a motivator for me.

I’d also see it as a way of trying to regain some of the control the situation and the agency he’s taken away from you. Bear in mind - once you contact her, you have no further control over what she does next. If she does nothing with the info, doesn’t believe you or he twists it around on you - you need to be prepared for that.

Either way, you’re still in shock and hurting right now - that hurt is going to morph through all sorts of emotions, and you don’t need to do anything now. You’ll know when the time is right, or if you decide you don’t want to.

My biggest regret was not telling his mum. I let him control the narrative (we grew apart!!) and he was still a little darling. He deserves to have everyone know what an awful person he is and for them to have contempt for his new relationship

There are plenty of ways to stash money and move money around. Ask my ex...

Op, my kids dad also cheated on me. I stayed 2 years to try and make things work, woke up one morning and just told him it's over. I'm gonna suggest a song, and I truly think if you listen to the words you'll get why I'm suggesting it. The smallest man who ever lived - Taylor Swift.

We don't need these small men, F him for making you go to therapy for HIS shittiness. No advice on other things (we weren't married, our breakup left me and the kids homeless but everything worked out anyway🫶🏻). You've got this! Don't let anyone tell you you don't.

Just keep saying to yourself you will be in a much stronger position if you keep your cards close to your chest until it’s the right time to show your hand. Focus on the kid’s and keep things as normal as possible till you get back. Don’t forget he too is keeping his cards close to his chest, so you need to do the same. Good luck and a brighter future is waiting for you ahead.

The mother in question feared the H was going to take all the funds. then continue to use the money to control the divorce, & contributing to dc.

Hi OP, I’ve been in a very similar situation to you, knowing that my H was having an affair but carrying on as normal and getting my ducks in a row behind the scenes. He blamed me for problems in our marriage too, and I read self help books to try and get to the root of ‘my’ problem 🙄.
While we didn’t go on holiday, I did have to get through the Christmas period, seeing family, hosting lunch etc and I found that adrenaline powered me though. That, and having a trusted friend to offload to. Just plaster a smile on your face and focus on your DC, and the chances are he’ll be so wrapped up in himself he won’t notice any change in you.
Your children will be absolutely fine trust me. It will come as a shock at first and there will be a transition period but you are strong and you are all they need. I’m 5 years down the line now and my children and I are thriving. You’ve got this OP, best of luck.