Page 5 | DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

EmmaThompsonsTears · 2025-06-01T14:23:45+00:00

New account in case outing. I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least. 2 DCs - 4 & 18m. He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode. How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome. I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

ExercicenformedeZ · 02/06/2025 10:52

Diarygirlqueen · 02/06/2025 10:35

I really hate it and be so disappointed when people write not to blame the OW. Why not? Are they projecting? Yes she may be single but to get with a married man is one of the worst things to do to a woman. It's vile.

I wish you all the luck in the world OP, you sound incredibly strong and your future will be bright without this ass in it.

I totally agree, it's pathetic.

Kbroughton · 02/06/2025 10:53

EmmaThompsonsTears · 02/06/2025 10:26

This is exactly what I was thinking. I’m a feminist and believe in sisterhood and a young beautiful woman shouldn’t waste her best years on a liar like I did. I’ll be telling her she deserves better than this pathetic weasel of a man. At the end of the day if he really loved her he’d have told me about her and ended it with me already - but he’s a coward and chose to gaslight me instead.

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There's nothing that you can say to OW that will make her believe anything other than what she wants to believe. It's up to you what you do, but if thats what you want to get out of it you will likely be disappointed . My ExHs Ex wife messaged me and told me some things before we got married. My ExH had already 'primed' me so I didnt believe his 'crazy' ex. Obviously now I look back and realise the truth, but it didnt stop me then. i wasnt having an affair with him, we met years after they split up. When my exH then left me for someone, i didnt both telling her anything. She chose to have an affair and because of that, there will always be an element of mis trust. Its not a good way to start a relationship.

Bebee1 · 02/06/2025 11:12

Loveduppenguin · 01/06/2025 15:40

You can’t hide money @EmmaThompsonsTears sorry having just been through it all, you have to declare all accounts

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Exactly this.

Regardless of why you’re divorcing and whose fault it is, you will both have to declare everything. Everything is a shared asset.

Otherwise the other can go back to court in the future and your financial agreement will be null and void.

ginasevern · 02/06/2025 11:26

Sorry OP. My DH turned from an easy going "nice" man to treating me like the bitch from hell for over a year. I actually considered suicide because of the inexplicable abuse. Then I found out the truth. Just think of this holiday as part of the plan. You're lulling the prick into a false sense of security and he hasn't got a clue what's going to hit him. At least he'll be glued to his phone most of the time (and you know why) so you can just get on and enjoy stuff with the kids.

TheRealMrsFeltz · 02/06/2025 11:26

EmmaThompsonsTears · 02/06/2025 10:51

We don’t know what he told her. Plus I think when people go for the other woman, it’s misplaced anger at the DH. Yes she shouldn’t have got involved with a married man with children, but he’s far more culpable than she is. I get the impression it was a bit of a slow burn until they met up in person and one thing led to another

i hope she saves herself and drop kicks him into the moon. Much like I’ll be doing. But she won’t do that if she doesn’t know he’s lied to her too.

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You are magnificent - he is an utter utter twat for losing you. This really feels like your values leading here @EmmaThompsonsTears and if you do what you know is morally right by your standards, and treat someone as you wish to be treated, you can hold your head high. Also, ofcourse the penny might drop in the future, or even early on in their relationship. Or she might just be a shit human and they’re welcome to each other but at least you can walk away knowing you did the right thing.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 02/06/2025 11:33

Op, I wonder was he planning on stringing this younger woman on and keeping her on the side? The affair has been going on for 9 months. Does it appear from the messages that he was planning on leaving you, and the home you had built up with your family?

Nasty piece of work if he was planning on keeping her on the sidelines. Easy to use young naive and foolish women. Not saying she's innocent but he is the elder in all of this.

IOSTT · 02/06/2025 11:48

“You’ve changed since the kids were born”

Translation: “I have zero understanding of (or care about!) what you have been through, physically or emotionally, with the pregnancies, births and how completely and utterly exhausted you must be from trying to look after our babies, or how demanding children are… IT SHOULD ALL BE ABOUT ME ME ME! WHY AREN’T I THE CENTRE OF YOUR UNIVERSE?? WHY AREN’T WE HAVING SEX TEN TIMES A DAY? POOR ME!!”

Crikeyalmighty · 02/06/2025 11:55

@IOSTT yep sums it up nicely as far as ‘some’ men are concerned.

S0j0urn4r · 02/06/2025 12:07

Bear in mind that you need to maintain a relationship with him for the next 18 years or so (if not longer) to co -parent your DC.
I totally get wanting revenge etc.
My bestie and I are both divorced.
She has DC, I don't.
I have no idea where my ex is or what he's up to, nor do I care.
Hers is still in her life in a co - parenting capacity and she has chosen to facilitate that even though he's an arsehole.
What I mean is the divorce etc isn't the end of your relationship with DH when you have kids.
Also, don't message the OW. Again, thinking about the future. Should they marry or move in together she will be DC's stepmum. I know this is a horrible thought.
She won't believe anything you say about him. She's made her bed. Chances are he'll cheat on her, as well.
You have to be guided by doing the best for your DC.

feelingfree17 · 02/06/2025 12:20

Books, meditation apps, podcasts, anything to stop you ruminating on holiday. Keep off the booze (as you may want to kill him!) Just quietly remind yourself that you and your children deserve so much better, and you are going to sort it.
Simple steps will help. Good nourishing food, keep well hydrated and look at a good quality Ashwaghanda (life saver!)

Kbroughton · 02/06/2025 12:32

S0j0urn4r · 02/06/2025 12:07

Bear in mind that you need to maintain a relationship with him for the next 18 years or so (if not longer) to co -parent your DC.
I totally get wanting revenge etc.
My bestie and I are both divorced.
She has DC, I don't.
I have no idea where my ex is or what he's up to, nor do I care.
Hers is still in her life in a co - parenting capacity and she has chosen to facilitate that even though he's an arsehole.
What I mean is the divorce etc isn't the end of your relationship with DH when you have kids.
Also, don't message the OW. Again, thinking about the future. Should they marry or move in together she will be DC's stepmum. I know this is a horrible thought.
She won't believe anything you say about him. She's made her bed. Chances are he'll cheat on her, as well.
You have to be guided by doing the best for your DC.

Edited

I agree with this. It is SO HARD co parenting with someone who left you for someone else, and very hard if they move in with that person very quickly as happened to me. I would have loved to have said all kinds to him (which I did very early days) and her (which I never did) but I always tried to have my DD at heart who was devastated. She refused to stay at her Dad's house for about a year and a half afterwards and as he moved out and in with the OW who lived 40 minutes away, I drove her around for 18 months to meet with her Dad, and facilitated him coming to ours etc. I also encouraged her to speak to OW and they get on alright now. It's hard to see in the early days but channelling things for the good of your kids actually helps you see things clearer and be less bitter. Did for me anyway.

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 02/06/2025 12:35

Hang in there OP and maybe msg here when you need destructions on your holiday (of course be careful that he doesn't find out)

S0j0urn4r · 02/06/2025 12:39

@Kbroughton well done you!
I saw how hard it was for bestie. She got loads of flak from her mum (who was all out for revenge) but just put DC first.
DC now grown up and forming their own opinions about her ex. 😉

MissMoan · 02/06/2025 12:41

Really sorry, @EmmaThompsonsTears ,
And I am amazed by so many others who have experienced the same! Sorry to you all!
I am a huge believer in 'everything happens for a reason', and I really wish that anyone who is going through this goes on to bigger and better things.
You are all amazing, and the feedback here is so wonderful.

Kbroughton · 02/06/2025 12:43

S0j0urn4r · 02/06/2025 12:39

@Kbroughton well done you!
I saw how hard it was for bestie. She got loads of flak from her mum (who was all out for revenge) but just put DC first.
DC now grown up and forming their own opinions about her ex. 😉

Thanks. And also, although this was a small consideration, i know i was made out to be the 'crazy' one, which i wasn't so by ensuring I didn't let my grief and anger control my behaviour, i looked like the reasonable person that I was. That's the best way to sow seeds of doubt I think!

FairyMaclary · 02/06/2025 12:44

How you feeling op?

The book ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant is a good read. It got me through a dark time too.

The website Surviving infidelity has some great resources. It’s slower than here but if you decide to stick it out for 6 months or more people will give you tips on how to do that.

arcticpandas · 02/06/2025 12:48

You're a good egg OP but don't bother with OW. He will have told her so many lies about how horrible you are that there is nothing you can say that will get through to her. She will have to learn the hard way what a twat he is.

Penguinsmum · 02/06/2025 12:50

You sound great and he is a absolute fool! We are all rooting for you!

socks1107 · 02/06/2025 13:05

I was told in my divorce that silence is golden until needed. I used that once sentence a lot and held my head high.
like you there were other women, gaslighting, put downs and actually leaving was liberating. To this day I know stuff I’ve never mentioned, he knows I know and he keeps well away from my life

osirista · 02/06/2025 13:06

its2346 · 02/06/2025 09:36

“The impulse to message OW is a knotty one. Fundamentally I don’t want him to sail off into the sunset with her once im “out of the way” - I want him to have nothing. To really feel the weight of what he’s done to us. He’s also long distance with her so if i can get through to her, she could block contact and cause him pain that way.”
**
I think it depends what you want to say to her. If it’s ’I know about you’ then so what? You could just look like the bitter wife. If it’s to show her that her boyfriend isn’t the honest or wronged prince he’s made himself out to be. I.e; if she doesn’t know about you / he’s told her you live separate lives / your relationship is over by all but in name - then yes, I think fair enough and in your boots I absolutely would. But you might want to show evidence otherwise, again, you could look like the unhinged one and he’ll deny it to her.
It also sounds like you know you’re doing this not for her benefit but for retribution / revenge against him. It’s good to be honest with yourself - revenge really is a dish best served cold though. So don’t do it in the heat of the moment - really plan it carefully. And acknowledge he will likely turn this all around on you and it’ll be your fault (he’ll likely do this anyway to be fair).

————

This is a bit of an aside prompted by this exchange. I’ve always thought that if my DH did this to me, I’d leave him very quietly. But I’d let the OW know it eas on her to let him know I was gone and I was divorcing him so she could tell him he had been dumped. That way she’d get to see his first reaction and the implications for her future relationship with him. I suspect a lot of these men don’t actually expect to be caught or dumped. If he reacts with shock or horror it shows her everything. On the other hand, if he’s elated, I’m well rid.

But this is just a recurring thought in my head. I don’t know how I’d actually react if I did experience this.

A friend of mine found out her husband was having an affair and the OW didn’t know he was still married. He had been awful for months, sniping and criticising everything, moody silences, long walks alone, yada, yada, script, yada.

When he came home from work one evening, he found both wife and OW sitting at the kitchen table. He got dumped twice. One by his wife and then by his mistress. Apparently he started crying…

OchreRaven · 02/06/2025 13:18

EmmaThompsonsTears · 02/06/2025 10:51

We don’t know what he told her. Plus I think when people go for the other woman, it’s misplaced anger at the DH. Yes she shouldn’t have got involved with a married man with children, but he’s far more culpable than she is. I get the impression it was a bit of a slow burn until they met up in person and one thing led to another

i hope she saves herself and drop kicks him into the moon. Much like I’ll be doing. But she won’t do that if she doesn’t know he’s lied to her too.

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Exactly this. I wouldn’t say anything until divorce is finalised and all financial and children matters are sorted. If he thinks he has another woman to fall back on he’s more likely to be reasonable to get it over with and move on with this new woman. If he thinks you ‘ruined it’ or tried to he could become vindictive to get back at you. You want to avoid this. Revenge is a dish served cold.

You don’t need to blame her. Just be honest with her so she can use that information as she wants. Hopefully she will leave him in the dust like you!

Don’t keep his behaviour quiet. But equally don’t shout it from the rooftops. He’s had to make you the villain in his own head to justify his treatment of you. Don’t get down to his level and allow him to reinforce this view. Tell a few close people whose respect he cares about. Word will get around if the right people are told.

At the moment you should focus on practical stuff. If he has crypto this can be tricky. He should have some apps on his phone which show his current investments. Video these so it can’t be claimed to be photoshopped. But beware some crypto may be stored on ‘cold storage’ which essentially is an external hard drive. Research what these look like and search for it. If you find it make sure you take it before you tell him you want a divorce and give it to a trusted person (maybe solicitor). It’s a martial asset so you can keep it as long as you split it (or use it as leverage for other things you want). If you need any more advice on accessing crypto feel free to PM me and I will do my best.

BountifulPantry · 02/06/2025 13:22

ExercicenformedeZ · 02/06/2025 10:52

I totally agree, it's pathetic.

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1000% with you.

4 billion men on the planet but you couldn’t find a single one…

Ohsonotscrumptiois · 02/06/2025 14:04

And be prepared IF he tells you first.
have your reply ready, that will hopefully shock him

StartingAgainFGS · 02/06/2025 16:20

This happened to me OP and at the last minute he bailed on the holiday and blurted the whole thing out.
I went on the holiday with the DC and had a lovely time. Shell shocked, but gave me time to rest and re group.

Original poster

EmmaThompsonsTears · 02/06/2025 18:41

BoundaryGirl3939 · 02/06/2025 11:33

Op, I wonder was he planning on stringing this younger woman on and keeping her on the side? The affair has been going on for 9 months. Does it appear from the messages that he was planning on leaving you, and the home you had built up with your family?

Nasty piece of work if he was planning on keeping her on the sidelines. Easy to use young naive and foolish women. Not saying she's innocent but he is the elder in all of this.

I suspect he was planning on stringing her along yea.

despite everything I’ve just found out, he is genuinely a really involved father who claims to prioritise family above anything else. She’s long distance enough that he’d never leave them for her. Although I have been worrying that he’d try to take them away with him

hes also her superior at work. Real nice power dynamics there

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