DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Me too! There was a really dark moment where I thought if I was dead at least he’d say something nice about me again. Luckily that was just a blip but wow :( I’m so sorry it happened to you too xx

What an absolute scumbag.

You sound ace OP. Have you seen the film The Other Woman with Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann? Watch this for tips 😉

But seriously, use any excuse to get some time of your own for digging and sleuthing. Take photos of everything.
There was a post a few years ago from a lady, coatsprotectionleague I think. There was heaps of good advice on there and she was in a similar situation. I always wondered how it had turned out for her. Maybe someone can link it.

Godspeed

We're all really looking forward to coming along on your holiday OP to provide all the support you need to get through it.

Is he verbally abusive? If so record him next time so you have proof if you ever need it. Men like that will do and say anything not to be the bad guy in the situation. Having proof up your sleeve even as leverage if he starts bad mouthing you.

After you are out of it and divorced maybe send a copy to OW to let her know what she’s in for. I’m sure she would see him in a new light.

I don't know of it's already been said but you need to prepare for child arrangements. If you don't want him to have 50 50, you need to move an hour or so away from him. That way it'll be every other weekend fri-sun.

Oh ffs. Don’t do this @EmmaThompsonsTears. That’s just punishing the kids and it’s really not their fault!! What kind of person plots this?!?? Seriously.

This is absolutely incredible advice I hadn’t even considered. THANK YOU! bookmarks immediately

Yes. Whenever I say and do mildly annoying things and he completely kicks off and tells me I’m a horrible person and swears in front of the kids, even though we’ve both agreed that’s not how we want to raise them. Then he says he’s not allowed to be angry but I’m allowed to do whatever I want without consequence 🙄

also @readingupsidedown i have not seen that film and now plan to immediately! Thank you for the recommendation.

im not sure what I want to suggest about custody. I want the kids to see him as often as possible, but I feel like two days on two / three days off is incredibly complicated for small children. But 1 week on / 1 week off feels like a hellishly long time without them. If we got the days wrong I’d have massive issues with work (it’s a very long commute on the days I’m in, currently have quite a good drop off / pickup arrangement with DH for nursery). Then there’s christmases…which is so sad.

Im torn between 50/50 split being the just and fair thing to do, and the fact that cheating on me when our youngest was 9 months old and I was in the depths of PNA/PND wasn’t just or fair in any way. And he should pay for that.

any tips on custody arrangements from experience would be greatly appreciated.

also I just want to say - I’ve got through day 1 of holiday thanks to all of you (and my sister). Nearly slipped when I read the lyrics to the smallest man who ever lived at lunchtime and my eyes filled with tears, but other than that I’ve laughed and smiled like the psycho he is. Thank you all 🥰

Oh he also kicked off about something minor today so I walked behind him and flicked the v’s at his back with
“YOU AINT
GOT NO
BACK. BONE.”
by stormzy and Chase and status playing in my head.

highly recommend

(4yo was holding his hand so didn’t see, and 18mo was strapped to my chest in the baby carrier, bouncing away, so also didn’t see. Yes my back is strong as hell)

Is he kicking off and deliberately starting an argument. So he can have an excuse to go home early and blame you for ruining the holiday

No this is very much standard procedure for him, has been for the last 9 months. It’s like he flipped a switch last autumn. He made up some bullshit excuse about something minor I did that was “the straw that broke the camel’s back” at the time, but now I know that’s when he first slept with her, and suddenly the week after that, everything I did made me “the bitch from hell” as someone else described it upthread.

now every tiny normal life mistake i make (eg cooking the wrong thing for lunch) becomes evidence that im horrible person. “This is exactly what I’ve been talking about for months, nothing changes, you never listen” etc etc

I’ve been working very hard to change, but as I spend all day worrying about what’s going to upset him next, it messes with my executive functioning and I end up making more silly mistakes

anyway now I know I couldn’t do anything right even if I did everything perfectly, it’s really quite liberating

What a dick. And a very silly and foolish man. Zero conscience. Doing wrong yet taking it out on you. He is of a different species.

You are one hell of a woman !
What a total idiot he is and i just know he is going to be so full of regret when his shitty life collapses which it likely will whilst you are soaring with the success of a life well lived in your own lovely home free of this disappointment of a man.
You have clearly got your head screwed on and its obvious you will soon get things sorted out .
Don't falter ,keep that fire in your belly burning and think about all the positive vibes being sent your way.
Good luck to you.

No point trying to hide money. When you file for divorce you have to tell the truth on the form E as it is a legal document.

Glad you are seeing things more clearly - it may really help.
Meanwhile ..donr forget to do things that are b good for you....a massage, a walk... holidays are good excuses to indulge ourselves and maybe now is time for a bit of that if you can ...it gives you breathing space and time away from him to cry, or think or whatever you need.

Let me get this right. You were suffering with PND, you were vulnerable, exhausted, needing support and instead of standing by you, he started an affair?

And then, as if that wasn’t enough, he started emotionally abusing you. Criticising you. Belittling you. Gaslighting you to the point where you begin doubting yourself, needing therapy to work out what’s ’wrong’ with you. He shatters your confidence, erodes your sense of self — all while you’re trying to hold things together as a mum of a toddler and new born. That is absolutely vile. What a nasty, nasty man.

How did you find out about the affair? Are you absolutely sure he doesn’t know you know/ didn’t want you to find out?

I can’t believe what he’s put you through. I hope any love that you had for him has died and honestly Op, even if he wasn’t having an affair I hope you’d leave him. You are going to feel so so much better when you haven’t got to live with his abuse. You’ll get back to your old new self. Having two small children to solo parent won’t be a walk in the park but it’s sure as hell going to be better than living with this soul destroying relationship keeping you off kilter and tearing you down every day.
Do you think he’d be prepared to go and live somewhere else once you’ve told him you’re divorcing him?

Keep dancing behind him flicking those V’s all the way to waving those divorce papers in his face. Take him to the cleaners.

thank you for putting it like that. You have no idea how validating it is. There are other reasons we should have been extra supportive and understanding of each other but I can’t go into those because it’s too outing.

I don’t think he intended me to find out. I’ve been dancing around the edge of this for a while - small, suspicious things you could explain away as paranoia,Things like being glued to his phone and never leaving it lying around - but he always had an answer I chose to believe. He might call it stupidity when it all comes out. I’d call it faith.

he’s a light sleeper so I knew I had one shot to look through his phone - there’s no way I’d get away with it while he was sleeping otherwise. I waited months until he’d got blind drunk at an event and passed out in bed. Let him sleep for a while (he’d left his phone under his body rather than on the bedside table like a normal person). Then gradually prized the phone out from under him, 2 minutes at a time, to make sure each movement didn’t wake him. I almost backed out so many times - thinking I was being paranoid. But knew I wouldn’t get a chance like this again, so it was now or never.

finally I got the phone out from under him, and looked through it while still laying in bed next to him. He’d deleted all her messages and calls from most of his apps (WhatsApp, texts, call log etc). I looked for other potential messaging apps we’ve not used together, like Snapchat and dating apps. He slipped with just one app. Oh and they had a shared photo album in his photos, but nothing spicy in it.

I then went to the bathroom and locked the door while I used my phone to record his for about 10 minutes. There’s a very small chance he could have woken up and missed his phone and realised I was in the bathroom with it - but this is unlikely as he was passed out drunk and in established sleep

I won’t be checking his phone again. I know all I need to know from what I found. The only way he’d know is if he had my tech tapped - but given his own attitude to passcodes, and his lack of interest in me, I’m not sure he’d go that far to cover his tracks properly

my new phone passcode (he knew the old one) is suspicious though, so I’ll do my best to avoid him finding out that I’ve got one

Just sending hugs.
He's a complete and utter bastard.

Hey OP ..
I’m really sorry you are going through this 😔 …

He has been carrying on like this with you to justify in his fucked up head why he is cheating !
Guilty conscience would be coming after him otherwise ..
He’s not in love with her , he’s still having sex with you , he’s using her for extra sex , that’s it ..
Op honestly, I just don’t know what i would do in your situation..
Sorry I don’t have any good advice , I’m sure others have ..
Holiday tomorrow on top of it sucks x

Also I didn’t want to just love heart and run with this one - this story is AMAZING. Good for them! What a weasel.

OP , we can be all messaging in here , saying what a dick your husband is & how you should get revenge on him …
Thing is , he’s your husband, & I’m sure you love him , & this must be heartbreaking underneath all the anger ..
Have you Family you can talk to now , a really good friend , because you need support x

I used to get £50 cash back every time I shopped. I also filled up freezer and cupboards with not just food but loo rolls, toothpaste, cleaning products, washing powder etc. so I knew I wouldn't have to buy any for ages. I also bought a few gift cards with food shopping to put back for kids Xmas gifts. I stashed all money away to cushion me for 3 months after I asked him to leave and to pay for my solicitor. The night before I told him to leave I withdrew half of all money in joint and savings accounts too. All his own fault for cheating on me and breaking our wedding vows.

If he notices you've got a new passcode on your phone, you could tell him your 4 year old picked up your phone the other day and seemed to know the code, so you changed it just in case. He wouldn't want your DC having unrestricted access to your phone, including the internet, would he?!

I'm following as have been where you are 12 years ago. If you need to maybe you could look at his phone while he's in the shower (and you can hear when the shower stops). But don't just look for more evidence as you don't need this and it doesn't help you. We did every other weekend and a Wednesday as shared custody so I had my children most of the times. The first times you are on your own and he has the children will kill you (make sure you're booked in to go out with friends or something). But eventually you will appreciate the time to yourself to do things without the children. And my ex turned extremely nasty during the divorce process - be prepared for this. Oh and the lies he'll tell (even blaming you or accusing you). Good luck with it all and try and stay strong however hard it is (I know - I think I cried every day for two years).

What happened legally about this? Did it go to court? I can’t imagine a judge would look favourably on this siphoning of marital assets.

It doesn’t matter why you split, this isn’t allowed.

My ex hid a substantial sum of money from me during our divorce. It’s a shitty thing to do.