DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Don't put yourself through any more OP. Be ill, develop a fever and a headache and call the hols off. Take to your bed until he buggers off out and then spring into action.

You are looking after yourself and the kids now. At their ages, it won't be the end of the world.

Illness is definitely the right way to go. You actually do feel really, really sick and have insomnia. So just go with that - the truth. What a total cunt he is.

Morning OP,

Did not want to read and run! You are such a wonderfully strong woman for doing this, and you'll be making your kids so proud in the long run, by not putting up with his bullshit. Try and fake it and make up excuses like you're just not feeling well etc. Bide your time and make an exit strategy. There's a great book/audio book called the 'Let Them Theory' and it was so good with me for taking back control in your life, at times when you feel very out of control.

Sending you so much love for this OP. You will do this and you will be better offf!!!

What an absolute rat OP. So glad you have your sister to talk to. You will need good RL support.
Is your employment watertight? And do you have a good network around you besides sister?
Agree with PP, don’t contact the OW. Keep classy and don’t stoop to his level. This is all on him.

I think you could get away with feigning illness OP. It doesn't sound like he cares about you so just keep talking about your symptoms and he will stop listening.

Not this nonsense again. If you knowingly help someone cheat, you are wilfully naive at very best, absolute scum at worst.

You can hide money. Its not impossible.

“The impulse to message OW is a knotty one. Fundamentally I don’t want him to sail off into the sunset with her once im “out of the way” - I want him to have nothing. To really feel the weight of what he’s done to us. He’s also long distance with her so if i can get through to her, she could block contact and cause him pain that way.”
**
I think it depends what you want to say to her. If it’s ’I know about you’ then so what? You could just look like the bitter wife. If it’s to show her that her boyfriend isn’t the honest or wronged prince he’s made himself out to be. I.e; if she doesn’t know about you / he’s told her you live separate lives / your relationship is over by all but in name - then yes, I think fair enough and in your boots I absolutely would. But you might want to show evidence otherwise, again, you could look like the unhinged one and he’ll deny it to her.
It also sounds like you know you’re doing this not for her benefit but for retribution / revenge against him. It’s good to be honest with yourself - revenge really is a dish best served cold though. So don’t do it in the heat of the moment - really plan it carefully. And acknowledge he will likely turn this all around on you and it’ll be your fault (he’ll likely do this anyway to be fair).

————

This is a bit of an aside prompted by this exchange. I’ve always thought that if my DH did this to me, I’d leave him very quietly. But I’d let the OW know it eas on her to let him know I was gone and I was divorcing him so she could tell him he had been dumped. That way she’d get to see his first reaction and the implications for her future relationship with him. I suspect a lot of these men don’t actually expect to be caught or dumped. If he reacts with shock or horror it shows her everything. On the other hand, if he’s elated, I’m well rid.

But this is just a recurring thought in my head. I don’t know how I’d actually react if I did experience this.

Are you a reader OP? If so bring a stash of distracting holiday reads so you have an excuse for not being chatty in the evening. I suggest Frieda McFadden for absorbing twisty thrillers that aren't too long and are an easy read so quite good when your brain is whirring all over the place

Absolute rat is absolutely right, thank you so much!

employment is relatively strong yeah. I dropped down to 4 days after DC2 but I’m quite senior and very much got my feet under the table. I could go up to 5 days again easily I think. That said, our current home is quite big and I definitely couldn’t run it on my own - even with generous child support. It would also take quite a while to sell. And im so sad the kids would no longer have a big beautiful playroom and garden to play in. In the long term it’ll be worth it though, I’ll be able to make all my own decisions about the decor for one thing!

I’ve got a great support network around me but nobody on our doorstep really, except for his family. We only moved here last year and my closest family and friends are dotted around the country. So it’s good and bad at the same time.

I am! Although nowhere near as much as I’d like since DCs (the hidden motherhood penalty haha). This is a really great shout, thank you!

Sounds like you have your head screwed on and you will be fine. Horrible thing to go through though.
He is an arsehole. He will be the loser in the long term.

I agree that there is no point in informing the ow. She won't listen.

In the same way that the other woman doesn't owe OP anything, OP doesn't owe the other woman anything so if sending her an email with a few home truths about her DH opens her eyes to what a shitty man he is and makes OP feel a bit better, why not?

OP's DH is the real villain of the piece but the other woman has no right to expect to be shielded from any and all consequences of her own actions. A snotty email from OP is hardly the modern equivalent of a 'scarlett letter'.

@EmmaThompsonsTears once it comes out I would be taking a day out and dumping all his possessions on her doorstep! especially if he does not admit the affair!

You sound very composed for such a recent revelation. Did you suspect something?

You sound so brave and strong @EmmaThompsonsTears. Amazing given what you have just discovered. I have every faith that you can get through the family holiday successfully. He will be distracted anyway and you can feign minor illness, as others have said.
I wouldn't bother to contact the OW. She deserves him!

I’m a massive worrier and spend my life thinking “what if”. So when the result of all my catastrophising happens I’m weirdly calm and stoic. It’s a current problem I can do something about - rather than a hypothetical worry. As the CBT would put it!

I have suspected something for a while and confronted him about a few minor things, but he always had an answer for it and told me what I wanted to hear to put me off the scent. I told myself it was the anxiety making me paranoid. It wasn’t.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I’m a feminist and believe in sisterhood and a young beautiful woman shouldn’t waste her best years on a liar like I did. I’ll be telling her she deserves better than this pathetic weasel of a man. At the end of the day if he really loved her he’d have told me about her and ended it with me already - but he’s a coward and chose to gaslight me instead.

My friend went down a slightly different route with the OW chat. She had a call and said she could tell her all sorts about her OH but she’ll find that out herself. She then said that she just wanted to focus on what’s important and basically told her all about the kids (she has 4) and what they’d need from here every other week/weekend (cosleeping sometimes, pack lunches, school drop offs etc.). She made it absolutely clear that this wasn’t going to be a ‘fresh start’ for the two of them because he had a whole family that would still need him. Shock horror, the OW didn’t fancy being a totally involved step mum to 4 energetic kids and the relationship imploded.

I also know this is not the easy option but really try not to speak badly of the dad to your kids. They still have a right to a relationship with him and they will figure out really quick if he’s not invested. You don’t need to be blamed for ‘turning them against him’, he can do that all by himself.

In time, there’s also a place for you to calmly explain to him that his son(s) look to him re how to treat women and so far he’s setting a terrible example. He needs to do better. And if you have a daughter, they will base their relationships on how he treats women so he really needs to be a better role model. This isn’t the best source but summarises the dynamic pretty well:
“Girls learn self-worth and self-esteem from Dad. They observe and learn how men and women interact in relationships. If they see that a relationship contains respect and love, then they will seek those qualities in their own relationships. How their fathers treat the women in their lives has a tremendous impact on a young girl; they see women as having value and strength.” All of this is to highlight that he messed up with you and with them.

Again, good luck. I’m sure you’re realising each day just how strong you are!

Well maybe but she chose to have an affair with a married man with two children for many months. I don't think you need to feel any obligation towards her at all. I would focus all your energy on yourself and your lovely children.

I really hate it and be so disappointed when people write not to blame the OW. Why not? Are they projecting? Yes she may be single but to get with a married man is one of the worst things to do to a woman. It's vile.

I wish you all the luck in the world OP, you sound incredibly strong and your future will be bright without this ass in it.

You have show such strength, bravery and grace. Your kids already have a wonderful role model in you. I hope you continue to find strength to play the long game needed so he doesn't have the power to take anything else from you.

If you know the relevant passwords, it should, in theory, be a lot easier to obtain information due to the instant, and centralised nature of it. Good luck!

We don’t know what he told her. Plus I think when people go for the other woman, it’s misplaced anger at the DH. Yes she shouldn’t have got involved with a married man with children, but he’s far more culpable than she is. I get the impression it was a bit of a slow burn until they met up in person and one thing led to another

i hope she saves herself and drop kicks him into the moon. Much like I’ll be doing. But she won’t do that if she doesn’t know he’s lied to her too.