Are my expectations in how we split finances valid?

[Ru25]

Hi there,

Me and my partner are both divorced, been together nearly 6 years. We both have our own homes but are in very different financial circumstances. He owns his home now with no mortgage and also has another property with rental income. I have a large mortgage and high monthly payments. Our houses are worth about the same. The idea is to sell our houses and buy somewhere bigger that will house his two older kids and my younger child. However the sticking point is that he would just want to continue his financial situation, no mortgage and for me to continue with my current set up with my mortgage. Therefore live together and him have loads disposable income and me not have much at all...I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team and working out how we could be more equal. He can ring fence whatever he puts in if anything was to go wrong but we should be looking to build a future together. His idea just feels like room mates and actually I;d be worse off due to the cost of moving/another stamp duty to pay etc...He would be living in a much nicer larger house for nothing...anyway interested in peoples thoughts on this as quite complicated/ Thanks

Is an option to continue your current set up? You should have the option of a partner, and to be happy, but blended families are often problematic. The financial disparity won’t help. How old are your kids?

I would throw this one back @Ru25 he’s a mean arsehole.

I think when you both have children already, and you both know about the mess and cost or divorce, it is quite normal & important to still think about protecting YOUR future & that of your children. He has two older kids, he’s possibly got both of them to support through university, houses etc, and him being mortgage free isn’t something that landed in his lap I assume it is something he worked for? So I can see why he feels he wants to retain that and doesn’t want to merge finances, but either way the end result is the same really, he’s going to end up with more. If he puts all his equity in, ring fences that & then also pays towards the mortgage then he is going to end up owning a much bigger % than you are. If he holds back some of his equity & you get a bigger mortgage to both pay then he’s still better off because he’d still have his equity in the bank.

If you’re not comfortable with the set up then I’d say just stick as you are, both in your own homes and paying for own way.

I am of the school that will never live with another man again. Keep your own home and be financially independent and just visit for a few days. Take it in turns to make the cost of hosting equitable.

Nope, that’s not how it works. You both put in your equity at whatever percentage and then the remaining amount would need to be mortgaged, which you should pay proportionate to your incomes.

You can own the property at whatever percentage as tenants in common depending on how the balance of equity works. It’s not equitable for him to get the benefits of a nicer property and more equity without shouldering the burden of the debt.

If you can’t agree, definitely don’t move in together. Frankly, he doesn’t sound like he wants to live with you and he doesn’t sound very nice.

Does he expect to benefit from any increase in value? Does he expect each of the 3 children to inherit 1/3 of the property value?

If you don’t pay the difference there is no increase in value on his investment - if he only invests 50% of the purchase price then his children only inherit 1/4 each of the purchase price value.

Similar to pp- what if he matches your deposit amount and you both pay in to the outstanding mortgage, imo the split should be proportional to your salaries.

I don't blame him really for looking out for his own interests, lots of people realise the importance of this after divorce; but there is no world where you should agree to this! Its an awful deal for you, id either stay with how things are if youre happy or find someone else on a similar page to you.

Thanks, he won't just match my deposit and share a mortgage as he doesnt want to have a mortgage. He will also have 1000k rental income...It just feels so unbalanced and he just cant see as says he will help out as much as he can!

mine is 8, his are 17 and 18

First, I think he’s bringing reasonable. If he pays cash for half, you take a mortgage for the other half but it’s paid out a joint account then effectively he’s paying 75% to get 50%.
If he’s swapping his house for half a bigger one, you’re swapping your mortgage for one that’s 50% of a bigger house, you should both be better off? So why quibble????
Id be tempted - if you can afford it - to think about using any equity you have to buy a small rental so that you retain some independence alongside your share of the new house. If the shit should at any stage hit the fan, it would be nice to think you had options.

Really? But he would say that it's fair as he's worked to get into this place. However I am also very hard working and it's just that I'm 7 years younger and came from a less affluent background, I just feel that if he really loved me like he says he does he would want to build with me for the future, to help us both have a great life etc...but maybe I;m just an idealist?!

It's unbalanced because he has more assets. You say you're not after his money, but you are after his money. How else would it be "balanced" like you want without it being at his expense?

He won't have a mortgage, refuses....so yes it's a difficult one

Totally agree.

in my experience I’ve always done a lot more of the un-valued & un-thanked labour in relationships (all the social stuff, all the catering, the bbqs, the village relations, the family stuff, friends, birthdays etc, kids) & it’s only now I realise that that all has value - in and to - a relationship.

The OP would lose out massively in the arrangement her dp is suggesting IMHO.

Thanks. He won't share a mortgage and split things as suggested, he doesnt want a mortgage...he will also have 1000k a month + rental income + wages and it just feels really unbalanced...if I bring it up I'm only after his money, which is not true, I just want to be sharing a life with someone feeling like we are able to do similar things not me staying in while he goes out!

But then you need to be honest. You are expecting/ wanting him to finance that better lifestyle for you.
He's not wrong to protect himself and his child financially.
If he pays 50%with his equity and you pay 50% with a mortgage. That's equal.

And it also really complicated things way in to the future, as making a Will to leave half a house between his kids means you will be homeless when you least need to be, unless he makes them wait til you die which could be many many years after his kids should get their inheritance.
Stay in your own home, and be financially independent

I'd be happy for us both to put in our deposits, ring fence them, and then split the mortgage. He gets his % out that he;s put in and I mine....

But even if he follows your suggestion and just matches your deposit then shares a mortgage it doesn’t solve your problem because he is still going to be better off because he will have all the rest of his equity in the bank so he’s still cash richer than you, and he will still have his rental income.

But he would then have all that extra £££ in the bank, so he’s still got more money than you to spend.

Yes really. From what you’ve told us, he comes across as mean. If you do go ahead with the arrangement he’s dictating, you won’t be happy. The inequity of the situation will fester inside you, until you won’t be able to stand him.

Not the same situation, but a similar principle: My ex DH earned a lot more than me, and we split everything 50/50. I was living on my overdraft while had loads of disposable income. I remember borrowing petrol money off my Dad. It’s no way to live

he won't do that as doesnt want a mortgage....

How long have you been together op? I'm assuming it already feels pretty uneven if he's got significantly more disposable income. And let's face it, in 5 years he should be free of dependents and you'll have an expensive teenager so that's going to bias it even more.

What happens if he wants to go on holiday or out ATM and you can't afford it?

However surely you won't be doubling the size of your house value? If you're in a 2 bed and he's in a 3, you only need a 4. Have you done the sums? If he's paying off half of a 4 bed totally then surely that should reduce your mortgage from what it is now?

You've said it twice, but I just want to double check it's an error, you mean £1000 or £1k, not 1000k, yes? Because having a thousand k a month income would make him some sort of oligarch and put rather a different light on things!