Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are my expectations in how we split finances valid?

243 replies

Ru25 · 31/05/2025 18:54

Hi there,

Me and my partner are both divorced, been together nearly 6 years. We both have our own homes but are in very different financial circumstances. He owns his home now with no mortgage and also has another property with rental income. I have a large mortgage and high monthly payments. Our houses are worth about the same. The idea is to sell our houses and buy somewhere bigger that will house his two older kids and my younger child. However the sticking point is that he would just want to continue his financial situation, no mortgage and for me to continue with my current set up with my mortgage. Therefore live together and him have loads disposable income and me not have much at all...I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team and working out how we could be more equal. He can ring fence whatever he puts in if anything was to go wrong but we should be looking to build a future together. His idea just feels like room mates and actually I;d be worse off due to the cost of moving/another stamp duty to pay etc...He would be living in a much nicer larger house for nothing...anyway interested in peoples thoughts on this as quite complicated/ Thanks

OP posts:
myplace · 31/05/2025 19:32

Isn’t he getting a nicer house for no additional expense?

Original poster
Ru25 · 31/05/2025 19:34

myplace · 31/05/2025 19:32

Isn’t he getting a nicer house for no additional expense?

Yes thats what I think also...

OP posts:
Tiswa · 31/05/2025 19:35

Then this isn’t going to work is it? Because you will be compromising on everything and him nothing

RelapsedChocoholic · 31/05/2025 19:35

Ru25 · 31/05/2025 19:28

he won't do that as doesnt want a mortgage....

Show quote history

I’m sorry, op in that case, my opinion is that you can’t afford to move in with him until your current mortgage is paid off.

And, if he has actually phrased anything financial as him offering to ‘help out’ then I think you should take a lot of legal advice before combining your assets with this person.

Leiths · 31/05/2025 19:36

Don't do it. It's possibly fair on paper but his whole attitude would make me think the arrangement was going to be unworkable in practice. Kepp your home and
your independence.

MarySueSaidBoo · 31/05/2025 19:37

He's already showing you that he won't compromise, and that he's not prepared to share finances. What else does he have to show you that you're on your own here, seriously?

myplace · 31/05/2025 19:38

How are you splitting the bills? He has two almost adult children and a bigger income. You have one small child and a lower income.
Will he have two extra bedrooms while you have one? Will anyone have a home office?

TwistedWonder · 31/05/2025 19:38

I can see his point not wanting to start paying a mortgage again after he’s paid his off.

I do think if this was the other way round and a mortgage free woman was buying a house with her lesser assets partner, the comments would be very different.

I agree with others who say stay as you are as the financial disparity is too big right now

Original poster
Ru25 · 31/05/2025 19:39

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2025 19:31

How long have you been together op? I'm assuming it already feels pretty uneven if he's got significantly more disposable income. And let's face it, in 5 years he should be free of dependents and you'll have an expensive teenager so that's going to bias it even more.

What happens if he wants to go on holiday or out ATM and you can't afford it?

However surely you won't be doubling the size of your house value? If you're in a 2 bed and he's in a 3, you only need a 4. Have you done the sums? If he's paying off half of a 4 bed totally then surely that should reduce your mortgage from what it is now?

No because the houses he likes are more than double what I;m paying now and he won't compromise

OP posts:
johnd2 · 31/05/2025 19:40

I don't quite understand, you are paying a mortgage now and he is not. If you move together, you think he should get a mortgage in principle because you are living together?
How are you going to lose out from the move? Work out your losses and put them to him, and say you aren't happy to move unless he covers them, what does he think.
If he really can't cover them then stay living separately.
Also consider counselling if you feel like communication is not going well.
Good luck.

m00rfarm · 31/05/2025 19:40

If you want to own the house 50/50, then he pays for 50% funded however he wants, and you pay for 50%, funded however you want. I don't understand your argument. If you cannot afford to pay your share of the 50% without reducing your lifestyle, then stay where you are. It is honestly so simple, I cannot understand why you believe he is not behaving well. And as for the pp who said to dump him - that will make you seem like the biggest and most disappointed money grabber int he world.

Mulledjuice · 31/05/2025 19:41

Have you trialled living together? 8 year old and 17/18 year old are very different dynamics.

Have you discussed 5 bedrooms (what happens if you have visitors)? Space to work from home? Parking? Location?

Regarding the split of finances, you want him to give you some money/buy a bit od the house for you. Why would he do that?

Emsie1987 · 31/05/2025 19:41

He would have more deposit though? And if he didn't use it all he either would have more in savings then (lead a better life) you or invest it and earn more money. But would have to pay interest on the mortgage which doesn't make sense.

johnd2 · 31/05/2025 19:42

Ru25 · 31/05/2025 19:39

No because the houses he likes are more than double what I;m paying now and he won't compromise

Show quote history

Sorry, posts cross over, well in that case my point still stands, if he wants, he pays the extra.
If he's covering his share from his assets and you're paying twice as much mortgage as you were before then it's a hard no, if it's him that wants a nicer house.
Tell him either you stick within your existing budget or he makes up the difference.

Mauvehoodie · 31/05/2025 19:43

Nah, I'd just say no thanks and continue with the current arrangement. I'm divorced and left with nothing and I'd never expect an arrangement like this. Or how about he buys a bigger house for you all, you rent yours out and pay him rent? In any case he needs to house 3 adults and you only need to house you and a much younger dc so there would need to be some financial adjustments to reflect that.

Original poster
Ru25 · 31/05/2025 19:43

MarySueSaidBoo · 31/05/2025 19:37

He's already showing you that he won't compromise, and that he's not prepared to share finances. What else does he have to show you that you're on your own here, seriously?

Thanks, I'm just questioning myself but yes I do feel very alone and not like a partnership.

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 31/05/2025 19:45

I don’t entirely understand this either. He should definitely not have a mortgage if he doesn’t need one. He will always have more money than you do and I can’t see why he shouldn’t really. You aren’t building a life from scratch - you both have your own families to look after already

rwalker · 31/05/2025 19:47

Ru25 · 31/05/2025 19:15

Thanks, he won't just match my deposit and share a mortgage as he doesnt want to have a mortgage. He will also have 1000k rental income...It just feels so unbalanced and he just cant see as says he will help out as much as he can!

Because it is unbalanced he’s arrived with considerable more than you when he arrived to the table there no silver bullet to balance it
and tbh you’ve both been divorced it’s sensible to protect your assets

Springtime43 · 31/05/2025 19:51

Sorry to sound dense but how would the new house be purchased? Is he putting down a lump sum and the OP’s taking out a mortgage to cover the rest? Would the lender even let you both buy a house together with only one person on the mortgage?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 31/05/2025 19:52

The simplest answer is don't do it.
He's not willing to compromise. It's all about what he wants. He may "help out" at times?
Umm, no.
You'll find he won't compromise on anything. He will want xyz & expect you to pay 50%. It won't matter if you don't want/need/or can't afford it.
You & your dd will feel like the poor relations in your own home.
Keep your own house. Keep your independence. Keep your autonomy.

Continue dating if you wish but don't give up everything you've worked for.

LimitedBrightSpots · 31/05/2025 19:54

I think you'd be very naive to sacrifice your house and your independence in this situation. If the relationship breaks down, as sounds like more than a passing possibility, you will be significantly worse off and possibly without a home for your DC. Keep your happy, safe home until your DC is older.

2024onwardsandup · 31/05/2025 19:56

But if he puts half in in cash then you’ll presumably have a smaller mortgage? So that benefits you?

even if he did go half in a mortgage he would still have the left over money to invest which be would make money on?

bottom line is he has more money than you. And you want him to share the benefit of that. Which I actually think is fair enough when you’re a couple - with a level of protection of assets for kids.

Original poster
Ru25 · 31/05/2025 19:57

2024onwardsandup · 31/05/2025 19:56

But if he puts half in in cash then you’ll presumably have a smaller mortgage? So that benefits you?

even if he did go half in a mortgage he would still have the left over money to invest which be would make money on?

bottom line is he has more money than you. And you want him to share the benefit of that. Which I actually think is fair enough when you’re a couple - with a level of protection of assets for kids.

No because we will have more than double value house, so I'll be worse off as also need to pay stamp duty etc again...

OP posts:
Tiswa · 31/05/2025 19:58

So he wants to basically take the money from his existing house and get a much bigger one than you want and expect you to cover it whilst still keeping his rental home?

he isn’t expecting ring fenced deposits and 50/50 is he?

Arseynal · 31/05/2025 19:59

I'm not after his money but I feel like if we are building a life together we should be looking at finances as a team

That is how people feel when they are child free 20 somethings with barely a pot to piss in. He’s in a team with his dc now and has spent 20 years thinking about their financial futures too. It’s just different when you are starting out and the kids are joint. My dc are the same stage in life as his and not a chance in hell would I be tying my finances up with anyone other than their dad. I may feel differently if I was in love but…
You are worse off living with him so the solution is to live apart. It sounds very messy. If he wants a stupidly expensive house then you can’t afford that. I suppose the “compromise” is a more affordable house - him 50% funded by his equity you 50% funded by equity in your old house plus mortgage with you new mortgage being less than your old one so you get a “nicer” house and more disposable income OR - more expensive house with an uneven split such as 30:70 then you get all the advantages of the expensive house without increasing your expenses. I think what’s not going to happen is him paying 50% via deposit from his equity and you paying eg 10% then both paying each 20% via a mortgage so ultimately his dc end up with 25% each of a house he paid 70% of and your dc gets 50% after you have paid 30%.
The bigger problem might come when he dies and you find yourself being turfed out but that’s a problem for another day.